If you have already agreed that nobody is moving in with you again, then do NOT do it.

My own DD17 sounds about the same.....she stopped staying at my house when I refused one night (I was 9 months pregnant and not feeling well) to take her shopping for a new outfit the for the next day .....she went off on me....and said that because I had laughed out loud that evening...then I must not be that sick.....she has  not stayed a night at my house....since.

She has treated EVERYONE in my house like crap, including her sisters...physically and emotionally mean to them.

She's been living with her dad for the last 2 years....and acting like I don't exsist and that she is better that all of us....has nothing at all to do with her 1.5 year old baby sister....so if she asked to live me again it would be a big fat NO.

I, like your DH, "set myself on fire for DD17" and it didn't matter.....she still hated me...blamed me for the divorce...and what not. I finally had to stop.

I would not let her move in for the 6 months, especially since you have already agreed that no one moves in with you again.

She needs to learn to get along where she is at, she cannot just ping pong back and forth whenever it suits her.

No, no and hell no.

You're already much nicer than I would be.

If I had a pregnant SD and was still married to my wife, I'd make my wife move out with SD, or I'd take my BD and move out myself, whichever path lead to less resistance.

You know you have a rotten kid, and you know that you CAN say no.

Say no. Save yourself that stress. It'll probably keep your marriage in tact as well.

Four years of no contact, then two weeks of contact and she wants to move in. Sure she's nice now, but I'd give it six days or less after move in that previous behavior returns. So, no I don't think she should move in.

This is not BM's house burned down and they are living in the car. If that happened I'd take her in. But, because she is unhappy with BM's house. No way. 

Absolutely not. Do NOT let her move back in. Under absolutely no circumstances. NO NO NO. 

Why is he the one to give the ultimatum?  Why can't YOU give him one.  

he can’t respect vows and promises we’ve made to each other
He cares more about pleasing his children and being a doormat to them than making you happy.

I don’t feel like a priority to him, at all.
You are not.

he’ll break a promise to me without blinking.
He's a jerk.

I could not remain in a relationship with a man who repeatedly breaks promises and vows, puts his children above his marriage, and continually disrespects his wife.

Why do you stay? Please take time to seriously consider this. Don't you feel worthy of being honored and respected? Do you feel LOVED?? Do you love yourself? 

I would make a list with two columns: the positives and negatives. TBH, your story has so many negatives, I imagine they will significantly outnumber the positives.

Ok, so this is so tricky. I can't imagine being in your shoes and telling my husband to choose between his son or me. That is essentially what is happening here.

I think that before you give any answer at all the 3 of you need a long talk. Talk about boundaries, chores, general expectations. Maybe a 30 day trial before she is allowed to move all of her stuff over to see if the arrangement works?

of so-called being nice was to move in so she wouldn’t have to pay rent.

end of the day bio mum and bio dad created this rotten mess, its upto them to suck it up and handle it without it affecting your spouses lives.

if sd was truly genuinely a changed person, she’d have long ago apologized to hubby, not out of the blue suddenly regular meet up and then go “oh me and mummy don’t get along well and she is kicking me out, can i move in with you??”

if your man would rather dump you for saying “no, i refuse to have a disrespectful shit living in my home again”, then you were never ever a priority or the love of his life to beginnwith

When the eldest, Feral Forger, graduated high school and got a job, she was living with us full time. Shed just had a horrible argument with her mother, Toxic Troll, and had been choked and slapped, etc.

She got a parttime job, had no license and ubered to this job. She was also taking CC classes, so she was moving (slowly) in the right direction. Then she stopped staying at our home, which was fine, but there was no communication. NADA. And this girl is a pig who will toss her cookies in bed and sleep in it. So, about 8 months after she stopped staying with us, I cleaned and l cleared her entire room. Bags and bags of trash and donation, and some things for munchkin SD13. Then I installed my own furniture, clothes, plants, and a large fish tank. Took the door off, and made it a sort of dressing room, writing room. Its my favorite room in the house where before it was simply cold storage for FF trash.

Just a few months ago, Feral Forger got into a big arguement (just 1 of hundreds) with her mother, TT, and texted DH to let her have "her room back, to consider her more important than an OFFICE, to put her ahead of his STUPID WIFE for once."

Now our entire relationship she has been cruel, disrespectful and nasty. But I thought we had reached a point of neutrality once she moved out on her own. I did her taxes (for free) and got her over 1k back.

So, I tell DH, no, Im not giving my room to his toxic, mentally unstable, selfish, dirty pig of a daughter. He agrees. And because he told FF she had to talk to CLove if she wanted to move in, she cut off contact. She lives about 2 miles from us, and munchkin SD13 lives parttime with her and doesnt really like her much. Still no license, and just recently stole checks from her mother and cashed them. Hence her moniker. It used to be winona because she was caught stealing from a jc penney a few years back.

Heres the short answer: No, do not let her move back in, and if you are given an ultimatum, leave for that wonderful job and new life opportunity.

It's great she's stressing she is changing.  But there's too much to risk should she move in and you then find her changes are still a work in progress.

If your DH is hell bent on this, have him rent an apartment for the two of them for 6 months. She can have her Dadee and he can see first hand - without you as a buffer/scapegoat - if she's truly changed.

Your sanity is saved, you'll have gained much needed time to plan your move!  To the great new job! No stress with the skid, no DH telling you to do more for her...

But having her move in ends your peace, happiness and will rob you of what should be a fun exciting time for you.

It's great she's stressing she is changing.  But there's too much to risk should she move in and you then find her changes are still a work in progress.

If your DH is hell bent on this, have him rent an apartment for the two of them for 6 months. She can have her Dadee and he can see first hand - without you as a buffer/scapegoat - if she's truly changed.

Your sanity is saved, you'll have gained much needed time to plan your move!  To the great new job! No stress with the skid, no DH telling you to do more for her...

But having her move in ends your peace, happiness and will rob you of what should be a fun exciting time for you.

Seems awful quick for her to be asking to move in, after 4 years of no contact.  And what does she expect as far as rules go in the home? Has that been discussed? Has she acknowledged why she didn't speak to DH for 4 years and now thinks he's the better option? Does she think he will give her more freedom? More money?

I'm sure your DH is glad his DD is back in his life - my SS was alienated for over 3 years, and DH is happy he's back. But if he had asked to move in after a few weeks of resuming contact, I'd have had a great deal of concern, and thankfully, so would have DH.

Also - is DH really going to move 2 hours away now that she's back in his life? That has to be discussed too.

I'm going to say no.  If you want to not appear as the bad guy- why don't you suggest to your honeymoon phased DH to just slow down and observe longer. Say:  She went 4 yrs w/out contact, then suddenly out of the blue is back in touch and weeks later asks to move in? It 'appears' she's trying to use us DH- maybe not, but we can't rush this.  I'm not ready to say yes to this either as we agreed no more kids living with us.  YOU need to slow down and watch her and continue building a relationship back slowly.  I can't immediately trust there are good intention or that this won't cause issues in our marriage.

You have sacrificed enough....what more can you possibly give and do for this man? You have to draw the line somewhere and for me SD moving in would ABSOLUTELY not be an option. It would be a hill to die on for me.....given all the broken promises and the bullsh!t that you have endured.....HELL NO!!!!

If you give in to this now....there's no going back.

Please love yourself more and don't give in to this. Stop allowing this man to continue taking from you without even being able to reciprocate the love in return.  You will be more miserable and regret it.

Wishing you all the best in this new job that you have awaiting you. Much success to you!

I feel for you in this, if you are like me, you feel caught between wanting to "do the right thing" by your DH and his kids, but when you feel like you are essentially tossed aside (at least, you are placed behind skids whims of the moment), of course your feelings get hurt and you start to question your relationship.  That makes me feel guilty, like I need to rise above these things, but then I think...do I?  I am not an unreasonable person, why am I not allowed to have feelings and input into what is going on around me?

My SD16 also moved out angrily about 6 months ago, with a rocky couple of years leading up. At first she and DH did  not have a lot of interaction and she was pretty nasty to him at times.  She sounds similar to yours, in that something like not dropping everything to take her to Target makes him an awful person who makes her cry all the time.  If it were anyone else acting the way she did, he wouldn't put up with it, but the guilt makes him think that maybe she's right..maybe he is awful, after all, he isn't with her all the time, the least he can do is take her to buy some shampoo, right?  But when he catered to these things, all it did was feed her entitlement, and teach her that things = love.

My DH and SD have started communicating more in the last month or so, and things almost seem normal.  I am afraid of something happening at her mom's to make her want to move back in, I do love her and want to support her, but there has been so much manipulation I do not trust her. And I don't like what my DH turns into when it comes to his kids, the closest thing I can think of is a puppy running for affection.  I get it, he loves his kids deeply and just wants things to be good, but it damages our relationship when he does that at my expense and only makes theirs ok on the surface for the moment.

You should do what you feel led to do in this situation.  I think the best plan is to be up front about communicating your needs and expectations beforehand, put it in writing if you have to.  I think you should let your husband how important this is to the health (or continuation of) your relationship that the two of you agree and work together on this.  And if you guys have already agreed to move for your job, stick to that.  If your SD were in trouble or in "need" of a place to stay, maybe I would feel differently about that, but it sounds like she is just not satisfied where she is anymore.  You can't stake your future on tha . Best wishes to you!

It's a trap. Once she moves in , she will change back to her old self.  You do not need the drama