I have a DSD7 who spends 50% of her time with us. In addition my DH and I have two younger kids together and I'm pregnant right now.

DH was never married or in a serious relationship with DSD's Mom. The pregnancy wasn't planned, my DH didn’t want a baby and by all accounts, it was a pretty awful time. Bio-Mom resisted contact at the beginning in all the usual ways (levied abuse claims at my DH) and regular contact didn't start until my DSD was 2. This has progressed to a point where my DSD is with us at least 50% of the time. DH and Mom barely speak. DH is a good dad and a good husband but he does work a lot. DSD's Mom is more than happy to leave me to deal with all my DSD's school stuff, haircuts, dental apts, extra-curricular activities etc. I'm not going to lie, this doesn't always sit comfortably with me. I work, I study and I've got little ones of my own so my days are already pretty full. Things came to a bit of a head a couple of years ago and I told DH he needed to step up more with DSD. He has done so and when he’s home, he takes charge of her care but the fact remains; if it’s during (his rather long) ‘work hours’ it’s deemed my job and I if I don’t do it, nobody will. Because my DSD is so close in age to our own kids, we've always done our best to treat her equally. So as I’ll attend my DS's sharing assemblies or whatever at school, I'll attend hers too (because neither parent will go). She fully expects it and rightfully so I guess. I went to parents open afternoons for her on my own twice last year.

She’s a bright kid and does well at school. Her behaviour on the other hand (at school and home) is not so good; she’s attention seeking, scheming, dishonest, selfish and unkind. Every single parents’ meeting we’ve ever been to has centred around her lack of compassion towards other kids, her inability to share and to let others have a turn to speak, her need to be in charge etc. The word ‘bully’ has yet to be used but I don’t think it will be long.

We are supposed to be moving away at the end of this school year - about 4 hours away from where we are at the moment. The move was my idea - I've been offered a good job there and it's nearer my own family. The plan was for my DH to keep a small home here so he could spend extra time with my DSD during school time. My DSD was supposed to be spending the majority of school time here with her Mom and the majority of the school vacations with us. To be brutally honest, I was quite looking forward to the idea of having my DSD when my DH was on holiday too so he could be mostly responsible for her. I was also looking forward to just having my own kids school stuff and activities to deal with each day and being able to spends more time with just them. Actually I think the only way I’ve been able to carry on doing what I do for my DSD for the last couple of years has been because I’ve known there was an end in sight. Let me be clear, I do what I do purely out of a sense of responsibility and duty towards my DSD and out of love for my DH. I do not, I don’t think, love my actual DSD. I’m not proud of myself for it but that’s my truth.

DH is now talking about going for full residency so that my DSD spends school time with us and school breaks with her Mom. He thinks my DSD's quality of life is going to deteriorate once we leave. He may well be right but if he does this, it's going to be a very hostile take-over... Mom isn't guilty of abuse. Her personal life is chaotic (she’s currently pregnant and has just moved in a new boyfriend – not the baby’s Dad) hence I don't think my DSD always gets ‘put first’ but she does love my DSD, far more than I do... DSD isn't outwardly unhappy at her Moms (although there has been a lot of upheaval there recently and some problems are simmering). Whether that will change when we go I don't know. It is true that we do the majority of organizing playdates, taking her to after-school activities, organizing her birthday parties, remembering school cake sales, performances, parents’ meetings etc and a lot of that stuff will fall by the wayside once we’re gone.

Am I wrong for not being more supportive of my DH in this? It's a side issue but I can't bear the thought of the inevitable court battle and the accompanying expense either...especially as the outcome is far from guaranteed. I have told him how I feel but he’s certain this is him ‘doing the best’ for his daughter. I can’t really argue with that or can I?!

Please say I can and tell me how....