Pregnant "Teen" Stepdaughter

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Hello all - long time reader, first time poster. A little backstory about my situation: I am 32, husband is 42 and he has two daughters from his first wife. They are 16 and 18. I have been with my husband for six years and married for just over one. We haven't seen his youngest daughter in about three years because she's been manipulated by her mother who she lives with full time. His youngest was always terrible towards me, calling me names, slamming doors in my face, telling her dad she hoped I died during a surgery I had several years ago etc. One day she and my husband got into a huge argument because he wouldn't drop everything and take her shopping on the spot so she started screaming that he's a piece of shit and a failure and blah blah. So she ended up calling her mom to pick her up and we haven't seen her since. The girls mother has always manipulated them by trash talking my husband and I. His oldest daughter (18) came to live with us full time about a year ago. My relationship with her has always been a bit more relaxed because she's more like her dad, easygoing. We've definitely been through ups and downs but all in all, I don't hate the kid. My living situation is strained to say the least. My husband let his cousin move in with us from up north about two years ago. He's just turned 21 and has no drive or motivation to do anything in life. My husband admitted letting him move in without a lease was a mistake, because there's nothing binding him to any kind of time frame. He is going to school, and working, and does pay us a little bit in rent every month. I've recently been told he's planning on moving out in the next couple months. Great.

So a few months ago, my stepdaughters boyfriend moved in. They both work as well but only part time. They do not pay rent or contribute besides taking the trash out maybe once a month. I've made it crystal clear that everyone is responsible for cleaning up after, and taking care of themselves. Four weeks ago, we find out 18 year old daddy's girl is pregnant! Fantastic. So a couple months ago these kids are planning on moving to the coast and starting their lives and now they are looking at renting a trailer in a shitty neighboring town. I told my husband that it's imperative to our marriage that they move out before this baby is born. I've given up so much of my freedom and the evolution of our relationship for him and his kids. I'm ready to move on and take the next step in our life together. We've never lived together alone, we didn't even take a honeymoon. Just to add to everything going on I find out that I may not be able to have my own children. My doctor wants to do laparoscopic surgery to remove endometriosis and check my uterus. My husband also has a vasectomy which we've already discussed reversing. I want more than anything to at least give my body the opportunity to have a baby. So I'm probably barren, but get to live with my pregnant stepdaughter for the next unknown amount of months. I've really tried to keep my distance and isolate myself over the last few weeks. Every time I asked how she is she tells me how many times she threw up that morning. Absolutely everything is about this baby right now. We pay hundreds of dollars for her car every month but she has her boyfriend (or my husband) take her to and from work because apparently being 3 months pregnant is some kind of disability.

I feel so uncomfortable in my own home I can barely stand to be there. My libido and desire is dead because there are so many people living with us, in and out at all hours. Every night I lay down and just wish that everyone would move out. It's going to be absolutely the worst form of torture living with her through this pregnancy knowing that I probably won't ever have that for myself. My husband has always spoiled his kids, and let them walk all over him. He's been the "cool" dad to counteract their monster of a mother. Over the years I've tried to make them take accountability and to set boundaries himself. We don't know when her and her boyfriend are moving out. I said they needed to be out by January, because she's due in April and won't feel like moving much later than that. Plus all of their needs are taken care of. What possible motivation would they have to move out after this kids born? I guess I just needed a space to vent - and thank you all for reading. I'm trying so hard to just keep to myself and not cause fights with my husband. But we've been in a really bad place ever since this happened. I don't know what to do.

We had a discussion about

We had a discussion about husband’s cousin moving in before it happened - BUT it was only supposed to be for a year while he went to school. Now we are going on over 2 years - and no movement. SD was with us every other weekend until she turned 17 and decided to live with us full time. Her boyfriend just started showing up more and more, and just like that, he’s living with us full freaking time. And she’s almost proud to be pregnant if that makes sense. I would be terrified if I was 18 and pregnant. She’s like “oh well, it is what it is.”

This is a disaster for your

This is a disaster for your marriage!

No, no way can you deal with her pregnancy under the circumstances. Even without the pregnancy, this was eventual disaster.

It sounds as if your husband isn't lobbying for any of them to stay, which is good. You and he should work out the timeline YOU want for all these moves to happen. Then sit them all down together and lay it out.

In a way, it's better there are so many freeloaders -- none of them should take it personally when you have your meeting and say, "We've been married a year and it's time for us to live alone, so we've worked out a timeline..."

When you have the chat, close with this: "OK, so that's the plan. We're going to sit down each month and talk about your progress toward moving out. So mark the 17th on your calendar and expect to revisit this because we'll be calling on you for that chat." That way they know the subject isn't closed and things aren't just going back to normal after the chat. This is imperative -- it suggests subtle pressure will be applied until they're gone.

I'd also try to get SD out sooner than January -- if she goes into labor early or has trouble with her pregnancy, you'll be bearing that burden and then there will be a preemie and all their medical issues making it harder to force the move.

It sounds as if they all have jobs and they're certainly old enough, so getting them out is a matter of helping them see how it can be done, but most importantly, setting the boundary.

As long as your husband is onboard, you can leverage them out. If he's opposed, ugh, that's trouble.

Good luck. If you really want to get pregnant, eliminating the stress is a good start!

Thank you. I’ve attempted to

Thank you. I’ve attempted to be aggressive with these timelines while still considering how my H feels about his teenaged daughter being pregnant. My original “out by” date for all of them was Dec 31. The initial conversation I had with SD I encouraged her to move out several months before the baby’s born and she agreed. Now circumstances with finding an affordable place and her b/f finding higher paying full time jobs has pushed this to “Feb at the latest.” Basically one month before this kid is due. I know their will be no motivation for her to get out after she gives birth. My H is a bad boundary setter meaning he just can’t set them. These kids have their own entitlement too. The cousin thinks he’s more entitled because he pays rent, SD is entitled because she’s the daughter. It’s a mess.

I couldn't live like that.

I couldn't live like that. If it were me, I'd give my husband a date in the not very distant future (certainly not as far away as January) by which the freeloaders need to be out. And if they weren't, I'd be out. If your H doesn't get the message from that, then at least you know where you stand. Make sure you do it properly with the cousin. He will probably be viewed as a tenant with rights, so you will need to give him a formal notice that you're ending his month-to-month lease and then at least a month to move out. The sooner the notice is given the better. I'm not clear on how long the freeloading boyfriend has been around, but you may need to do the same with him.

I can’t live like this - it’s

I can’t live like this - it’s a nightmare. I feel like a tenant in my own home. It’s not even my home. I told H very simply “I am not living with your daughter plus b/f and baby.” I did say that if everyone isn’t out by Jan - I’m out. Now every time we have a conversation about it he throws the ultimatum back in my face. The cousin never signed a lease/contract with us plus we rent our house and don’t own (cousin not on lease). Would he still be considered a tenant requiring written notice? Boyfriend or shall I say “baby daddy” has been here for about 3 months. Thanks for reading, and for the advice.

He "throws it back in your

He "throws it back in your face" that you don't want to live with three adults that you are subsidizing?

So he is trying to convince you that there is something wrong with your request instead of the three mooching adults.

You have been most understanding, but there is a difference between understanding and being walked on and used.

What an ass.

Yes, he can have the rights

Yes, he can have the rights of a tenant without a lease and without you owning the property. I would take a look at your lease and see what it says about occupants. Every lease I've ever signed has had a restriction on who could live there. Your DH could put the blame on his landlord/lease and say they're not permitted to be there under the lease.

Just take care of you.

The stress of this situation has to make conception a near impossibility even without the need for your surgery or DH’s reversal.

BTW, if you are in this marriage for the long haul, why go through your surgery until DH has his reversal and you determine if it is successful. Put the onus on him before you go through any reproductive system surgical hell.

Thank you. I chose to do the

Thank you. I chose to do the laparoscopy first because it’s partially covered under my insurance and it will fully determin if I am even able to conceive. The vascectomy reversal is much more expensive and not covered at all under insurance. I honestly can’t even begin to think about trying for a baby under these circumstances. Only when all of these people move out and H and I can just be with each other fully would I consider it. I feel like it’s a bit hopeless. The one thing I want, an eighteen year old can get accidentally without a care in the world.

I can see exactly how you

I can see exactly how you feel she got what you wanted without even wanting it. This thinking will kill you, though.

Get them out at all costs. Even if you never have your own child, your life will be better without the strays. Focus on that for now.

My husband also can't set boundaries with SD. You set the boundary with him. He must set the boundary with them. As much as I hate to say it, the only way to get what you want is to be a complete and utter bitch. Let them all hate you as long as they do it from their own space somewhere else.

I don't know how your life got cluttered so easily with all these people. You must play every card in your deck. Because you're renting, maybe the card to play is for you and your husband to move. I know that is extreme, but it will work. Or better yet -- tell the rest of them you're moving and stay where you are after they're gone.

I think you really have to impress upon your husband that you are serious about leaving. Press him now. Press him every single day. You have put up with enough by any reasonable standard.

Thank you - why do some dads

Thank you - why do some dads have this “princess” complex with their daughters? I’ve started being a bitch - because I really don’t care what his kids think about me anymore. I’ve spent too many years trying to make a good impression and this is where it’s gotten me. Stuck with no power. We can’t move until our lease is up next summer. I am pressing him every day and it usually just ends up with massive arguments. He thinks I’m selfish - the most selfish person he’s ever met according to him.

{{{Hugs}}}

So sorry. It seems when you can't get pregnant, everyone around you does. Just a word of hope. I have endo & exDH had low sperm count... We got pregnant with DS less then 2 months after Endo surgery and this was 16 years ago. There is hope.

Thank you <3

pregnancy envy

I cannot get pregnant, yet ToxicTroll, our very own BM did, TWICE after Drs said she could not. AND she is a terrible mother who beat her own child (18-year old) while the youngest watched. ToxicTroll doesnt even deserve her own kids, in my opinion.

You definitely need to set solid boundaries and stick to them. First with DH, and then, with him backing you up, with pregnant SD. It sucks that she, who has no motivation in life, can have a baby just like that, and of course will use that baby as a "baby money maker". What with child support and grandpappy support, all is well in her world. Try making her life there a little less comfortable, and certainly stop paying for her car. She can buy an old used one. Put together chore lists - Ive heard that works. And get them out! The boyfriend needs to get them both going to a new fresh place, so they can start new fresh family, right?

Thank you - and I’m sorry

Thank you - and I’m sorry about your situation. So glad we have a place like this to vent and offer support. I’m scared to cut any of the financial assistance we provide (phone, car payment, insurance both medical and auto) in fear that she’ll use that as an excuse to why they can’t move out sooner. She works but only part time (same w/ her b/f) Still, they can afford a little apartment somewhere. That’s exactly how I phrased it too - “you need to get out and have your own home for this family that your creating.” Judging from her complacency about the entire situation, it wouldn’t surprise me if it was planned. Gross.

Maybe the direction to take

Maybe the direction to take then is, "We will continue paying for your phones and insurance IF you move out by XXX date. If you aren't out, all that free money goes away and WE will be moving, so either way, you'll have to go. But if you go now, you get all the freebies. It's up to you."

And I'd start blaring Barry Manilow day and night. A long time ago I wrote an article about a convenience store owner who blared classical music in his shop. It drove away the kids who'd cut school, hang out and shoplift stuff. They moved to another store because they couldn't stand loitering with Beethoven blaring 24/7.

Personally, I just think Barry Manilow would be more effective with this new generation.

Ha! I don’t know if I’d be

Ha! I don’t know if I’d be able to stand Barry Manilow for too long. Unfortunately using her car or phone bill as leverage is not an option. I had to fight my H for days just to get her to pay a little bit every month for her insurance. He just doesn’t see it the way I do. He still sees his little 8 year old girl - not the pregnant adult woman she is. I was upset when her b/f moved in and we weren’t charging them rent, the H just welcomed him in and said “we are helping them get on their feet.” I’m at my wits end - H knows my life will be a certain kind of hell until they all move out.

Number one rule when DH and I

Number one rule when DH and I started living together- no other adult lives with us.

Get those adult mooches out of your home or get your own place. Letting the cousin move in was bad enough but the daughter's boyfriend? Nobody plays house, under my roof, when I'm footing the bill.

Your husband is a total ass.

Your husband is a total ass. Move out and upgrade. I know you can do better.

Why do some dads need to

Why do some dads need to rescue their princess daughters, you ask? I think it's because it makes them feel like THE MAN to do it. It also helps them compete with their exes to be the more indulgent parent. It also buys the kids' affection. And it pays for whatever guilt they have for breaking up the original family.

And why shouldn't these dads treat their little princesses like royalty? Here's why: Right now, who is making your husband's life miserable? His daughter isn't the one harping on him about the living arrangements. It's a right cozy mutual aid situation: she gets somewhere to live and he gets to feel like the big man helping out his little girl which probably relieves his near-constant guilt. So what happens then? You hate the living situation, so you harp all over him, ergo making his little princess seem like the perfect woman -- she never complains about the living arrangement the way YOU do!!!

So, it's a setup. She gets what she wants from him. He gets what he wants from her. But this exchange negatively affects you, so you complain and hassle him. But your hassling him only makes her look soooooo easy to get on with -- she's content and kept, he's fulfilled knowing he bailed out his kid, but you're shaking their boat. If it weren't for you, they'd have complete and utter harmony in their marriage. Oops. Wait. Didn't mean to go there, but hey, it fits doesn't it? She is like a wife to him.

You can't really win because they are enmeshed in a way that you and he are not.

I may be wrong about all this, but after years of asking the same question you did, this is what I came up with. It sucks. And it especially sucks when you didn't see that dynamic BEFORE you married 'em!

Why do some dads need to

Why do some dads need to rescue their princess daughters, you ask? I've thought about this. A lot.

I think it's because it makes them feel like THE MAN to do it. It also helps them compete with their exes to be the more indulgent parent. It also buys the kids' affection. And it pays for whatever guilt they have for breaking up the original family.

You can't really win because they are enmeshed in a way that you and he are not.

It is a complete set up. I

It is a complete set up. I agree with you and think that your explanation for this father daughter dynamic is spot on. It absolutely sucks to be on this side of it all. I am making their lives miserable. If my family wasn’t backing me up, I’d really feel like a crazy person. The H and SD feel like I’m the nastiest most selfish person in the world right now. I got into a text battle with her yesterday. I laid it all out there and told her as her fathers wife it’s not an outrageous request to say that we can’t live like this. It’s not a healthy way to live, and I feel like my whole world is falling apart. I really appreciate your input. The problem is, I love him. And I want everyone to be ok - I just feel like his last priority and it hurts.

I would start paying 1 fifth

I would start paying 1 fifth of the monthly bills, if your husband instist that that his 3 non paying relatives (and yes I'm including his dd bf) live with him then he can pick up the cost of having then live with him. As he putting his and their needs above your as his wife.

I would also start looking for somewhere else to live because this is not going to get any better. Come Dec she won't want to move as she too pregnant, early next year it will be she doesn't want to move because the baby too small. And the excuses will just keep coming while you and her dad continue to pick yet more costs. And before you know it she will be 'accidently' pregnant again.

Yeah I’m pretty certain that

Yeah I’m pretty certain that she planned this pregnancy. I never thought that I’d have to think about an escape plan as these kids became adults. I would however be in for another two years of this if his younger daughter was around. So that’s a win. :/ Thanks for your advice - I don’t want to do anything financially that would prevent them from leaving as soon as possible.

I'm sorry OP, this sounds

I'm sorry OP, this sounds like a miserable situation where you and DH are subsidizing everyone else's existence. It would be different if everyone contributed and pulled their weight chore wise and financially but this is just not the case. You mentioned you're renting, what does the landlord think about moving all of these extra people in? Do they know that 5 people currently live there soon to be 6? How many bedrooms are there? House or apt? If I missed that info oops. I rented for a long time and every landlord was particular about knowing who lived there, how many people, pets... One landlord wanted to charge $15 a month for a lizard in a glass cage, pet rent, this was in a house.

Maybe drop an anonymous tip to the landlord that the home is overcrowded. If a notice to move people out comes from them and not you, yay! After the lease is up you and DH should moved to a nice little 1 bdrm or studio apt!

Thanks. We rent a fairly

Thanks. We rent a fairly large home (which we pay a ton of money for). It’s on some acreage too so at least we aren’t living right on top of each other. The SD and her b/f have the entire upstairs which is 2 bedrooms and a bathroom. The cousin has a room and bathroom downstairs. H and I have our two little back rooms and bathroom. But the house is full and it’s not like any of my family or friends can come and stay with us for a visit. Where would I put them? Our landlord is pretty relaxed, SD and cousin I believe are listed as residents on the lease but H and I are the tenants with everything based from our incomes. It’s just so uncomfortable. SD literally told me yesterday that she’s allowed to change her move out date as much as she needs to because she’s “his daughter” and he’s “her father” and he’ll forever do whatever she needs.

"she’s allowed to change her

"she’s allowed to change her move out date as much as she needs to because she’s “his daughter”

Translation: "I have no plans on moving out anytime soon. Bf, baby and I will be quite comfortable living upstairs on daddy's dime." Sorry to say it sounds like no one's going anywhere.

Time for a sit down with

Time for a sit down with daddy, call a locksmith to rekey the locks, and inform daddy's little girl that she isn't evicted but she no longer lives there. No key. No access. She has to figure it out.

If DH balks, don't give him a new key.

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Pregnant "Teen" Stepdaughter