Beware, OP - stay disengaged. Grandkids become weapons of more hurt, according to many stories on this board.

If you want to give a gift do so, but be honest with yourself about whether or not you are hoping it will lead to something more.

If you are sending gifts in the hope of a relationship, that never works, imho.

The mother to be will feel special no matter what, she won't need your basket, however nice it is, to feel good

Do what gives you joy, and expect nothing in return.

If it gives you joy to buy a gift or babysit. Do it. Do it because you want to and the joy it brings to you.  But, don't expect anything to change in your relationship with SD.

re-engagement, and opening it all back up again. In all liklihood she probably won't even keep the gift if she feels resentment toward you. You know she'd only thank her dad. SD did this with me for years too. I'd wrack my brain and try to buy just the perfect gift for HER, only to be met with "Thanks dad." Or, to have her post on social media photos with "Thanks dad!" So, at that moment I decided my efforts, talents and gifts could be put to use elsewhere.

I would stay away for your own self-preservation. You've been doing well for 3 years now. Why open it all back up? You've worked hard to get where you are emotionally.

Also, grandkids in step families often become pawns or bartering chips for DH's who're desperate to receive any crumb these girls may offer to throw his way, but they almost always come with contingencies,("If you don't do...you can not see the baby, dad." or "If you do....I will let you see your grandchild, dad." or "You can see the baby dad, but I don't want SM anywhere around.")

You're a loving, giving person and it's understandable you'd want to give things to people. Have you thought about working with teen mothers, or donating the gift to a women's shelter? There are always women who flee their homes due to abuse, and they are in need of "gifts" too. This would be far more cathartic than giving something to SD, whom you've successfully disengaged from.Just a thought.

Give yourself the gift of not reopening all of this mess and allowing future frustrations and heartaches.

My husband’s son and his wife had a baby about 3-4 weeks ago. I ordered a box of diapers for Dh to take.  The baby is nothing to me.  And that’s okay  

I'm so sorry I know how much this hurts. I have a slightly different situation with my best friend. We are basically as close as sisters and when her daughter got pregnant I was pretty much gifted the "great aunt" role.

That is until the baby was actually born. I was useful when I was hosting the gender reveal, the baby shower, sitting with them at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born. But once the baby was born I was pretty much persona non grata.

I have got to see the baby a handful of times and each time my best friend dominates and takes the baby and allows me very little interaction. I realize I was just being used for what I could offer financially. My friend even made the comment one time about "Great Auntie Advice can buy this or that for grandbaby, because grandma can't afford it." After that comment I haven't made any attempts to buy anything for the baby again.

When my OSD had children I was very excited to get close to the kids, and I did. I loved those kids and they loved me back. But OSD had the power to withdraw the kids and she used that power. 

I bought nice presents, took professional photos and handmade the frames, etc. OSD thanked DH not me. When DH told her that I  was responsible for the gifts and she should thank me too, she responded that everyone knew the woman picked out the gifts, so a thank you to me was not necessary.  She made sure to include me on the thank you notes, however, to show her dad how nice she is. 

She began expecting every time I was around that I was the family photographer, and got mad when I was too ill to take pics of her family and 4 other families she signed me up for without my knowledge or approval (for free). I later had surgery due to that illness, but it did not matter.

Four years ago DH showed me pictures of the grandkids. He said OSD did not want to email the pics directly to me because I was not family, and DH could just pass them on to me if he thought it were important. I was hurt, but by this time I was fed up and saw she was now going to use the kids as pawns to get her way, which she has with DH as well. She didn't want to communicate with me directly because I was not family, so that's what I gave her. 

And that really wasn't what she wanted - she wanted the ability to play ping pong with me, rejecting and excluding me when she needed to power to feel good about herself.  The kids were a great tool for the control she wants. 

OP, I would strongly advise getting close to the baby. I know it's difficult because it's hard not to love an innocent baby.  I regularly see a friend's grandbaby, and I will probably have grandchildren myself some day.  I am in a few volunteer musical groups that play for children also, so I get a healthy dose of children.  There also are volunteer grandmother groups out there. Channel your grandmother instincts and efforts where it is appreciated. 

The first year I missed the sgkids very much.  I now see evidence they are being raised in their mother's image - superficial and narcissistic.  DH picks out the presents - always a Target gift card.  DH signs his name only, but OSD still sends the thank you to both of us, which humors me now. It doesnt hurt me now to hear how they are doing, and I have been able to emotionally distance myself to protect myself.  I wish I had never emotionall invested myself but lesson learned.

First, she asked for no gifts. So you ignore her request and overrode her request and made a gift basket because what you want to do is more iportant than what she wants. Think about that for a second.

You have had nothing to do with her for years and now there is a baby on the way you want to offer olive branches and she turned you down. Yes, she and her mother (who has been there for the past 3 years as she should) has this baby shower all in hand. Consider this ... if your daughter was having a baby shower and you and she had it all sorted out and SD rocked on in and said "Can I help?" how would you feel?

There is a lot of cold feeling between you and your SDs. I am pretty sure this is well placed as they do not sound like nice people. So just continue to hold back. If you are attending the gender reveal or whatever it is, just go as her fathers wife. Sit back and just watch.I am sure some of the hurt is due to your daughters decsion not to have children and yes, in time she may just change her mind.

In the meantime if you feel like making some kind of gift, buy diapers and donate to your local womens shelter. NICU units have rosters for women and men to go and cuddle with babies. Use your love in other directions where it will be appreciated. Sometimes we go through the motions because we think it is the right thing to do. Like offering to help. I feel it is not in our best self interest to extend our hands into the vipers pit over and over again.

Stay disengaged.

First time baby at the cute stage, then low and behold kid reaches three, gets some cold type virus illness and parents can’t cope! Then they are only too happy to ask for help.

I have two little ones with a cold ‘in stereo’, but it’s a relative breeze these days at the age of 43.

Its very sad that your SD has disregarded your feelings for such a long time now.

Maybe parenthood will give her some perspective on how she treats people after the honeymoon phase had ended and the real work kicks in.

When we married, SD had 2 grands that were 3 - and when we travelled shortly after the wedding, my DH and I found some cute T-shirt’s for the gskids.  SD told DH she did not want me to buy her kids anything since she felt I was trying to buy her affection (really?).  Okay...so I didn’t any more although I love to shop for little ones.  Fast forward to now and she wants money to send them to college.  Nope, don’t want to buy anyone’s affection ... although I did not say that to her, it crossed my mind.

Aqua, like you, I have many of the same emotions.  I've also been treated very similarly to you - excluded, treated with very cool politeness and obvious indifference.  I dealt with it for more than a decade before I decided to disengage, which has been pretty successful overall.

Until, of course, a thing like a grandskid arrival changes it all.  Then it's time to flex those disengagement muscles again, and psychologically steel yourself for yet another changing skid landscape in your life. 

Others have already posted some very good advice (as well as some honest insights, like about the gift basket) which I hope you can learn from.   Keep saying to yourself, "This woman (SD) does not want me in her life.  She will most definintely not want me in her child's life."   This MUST be your mantra.  Whenever you feel your heart melting, thinking you want to give or be generous, repeat again to yourself, "SD does not want me in her life nor her child's life."

My SD had her baby boy, first gskid, this week.  Baby was premature and it just so happened my SO had already planned a trip to visit SD, so he was there the day after baby was born.   I could already feel emotions beginning to surface within me, since the whole "happy" family - SD, her husband, BM and her husband, SIL's father, and my SO  would all be there for the exciting event.  Everyone except me, of course.

When my SO returned, I asked all the obligatory questions that I would of any other friend - how were mom/baby doing, how was new dad doing, how did it feel to see/hold your grandson, does he have hair, etc.  I figured it gave my SO an opportunity to "share" with me his entry into his new journey of grandparenthood.  It does not, however, mean that I will continue to pepper him with questions about the gskid because I must now go back to being disengaged, and repeating my mantra "SD does not want me in her life, nor her child's life." 

You are just beginning the journey but now is the time where you initially do the right thing, to a limited degree, and then go back to practicing disengagement.  This is what I've done.  It means psychologically putting that gskid into the same mental box that you would of a young co-worker who had a baby - you send your congratulations, you send a small gift (DO NOT go to any gender reveal parties, showers, etc. - always find a way/excuse to not attend, even if it's faux-illness, and just send/mail the gift), you ask polite questions and talk about baby after the birth.... and then ... forget about it as much as possible.  

Because you will not have a relationship with this child, so don't even get your hopes up.  For what it's worth, I am childless so will never have grandchildren.  I have learned to expend my emotional and financial resources on other people in my life (like my godchildren and their children) where I know it's welcome.

Right now, the news your own daughter may not have children is heavy on your mind.  But that could change.  And even if it doesn't, you still don't need to grovel and beg for a scrap from your SD - she's not going to give it and you and your efforts are better off somewhere else. 

Hope this helps!

If you have disengaged from his adult daughters.. it is likely a mutual situation.  His daughter is having HIS grandchild.  That is not your grandchild.. and transferring your desire to have one onto your SD isn't fair to her really.  

Absolutely discuss with your daughter her situation and how she truly feels about not having a child of her own.  There are plenty of childless SM's with regrets.. but also some without regrets.

Unfortunately, with regards to your husband's granchild.. you can only do what you feel you can freely give of yourself without any expectation of warmth in return.  

Married for 8 years been with him 16 years. Have 4 kids between us. Married when all out of our respective houses. I have not talked to either of my adult stepdaughters in a year. DH has not talked to pregnant one (36) for a year as well, but  younger daughter (32) always gets a daddy’s girl hall pass because she has depression. Oh, well who doesn’t !? I have it terribly because of them. I told my DH if the only way to be rid of them is to loose him I was willing. I never expected my second marriage after being widowed to go like this. I have 2 Bio kids and they hate them as well. In the Italian community we are very family oriented so this makes it very hard for us.  There is such jealousy from his kids and it just does not work and makes me so depressed.. their Parents were divorced when they were young and mother now lives away. Both are with SO but use(d) their Dad as sounding board for everything in their life, every problem, bitch and whine, or to complain about me and my kids. They are TAKERS and are selfish and inconsiderate.  Adult brats. Never given boundaries or taught to respect so there are no expectations. The DH has set the bar so low there are no expectations to meet. My kids have no dad and my DH has tried to be a good SD to them but SD hate him for it. They were furious at my Oldest BD wedding when he volunteered to walk her down the aisle. My Son would have done it but my daughter thought it was so sweet of my DH to offer. We heard from guests that DH SD’s were furious he did that and that he was “their dad”. Umm ok. These girls are 32 and 36. DH never told me they didn’t want him to. Didn’t want me to know the “truth” so disengaging from the SDwas my only answer. Now his oldest is pregnant and holding the ropes on all of this. He’s already worried about having a relationship with his GKid. Asked me what he should do! I said I’m not the right person to ask. I freaked out at the thought of having to see her but then say to myself i can do whatever i want. She has not talked to him after the wedding and is punishing him by not communicating.after 8 months She emailed him to tell of her pregnancy already 20 weeks but never said she would like to see him or discuss the reason for their not talking. So much here can’t even get it All out. Could write a book. Long and short. I had to disengage and try to move on with my son and daughter who live on the w coast near us. I just pray that she does not want to be with me or see me and then i can have DH visit alone if that is the outcome. She is wicked and her husband is her PR man so he feeds off of it. I have years of reasons to back this post up i just didn’t act on them until the last straw event. Years of atrocious behavior and selfishness and I AM DONE or i would rather be alone. 

Stay disengaged and guard your heart.  My SS "gifted" us with a grandchild and suddenly became super friendly.  Even started calling me the "grandmother."  DH was NOT pleased when I expressed skepticism at the sudden reversal so I played along but obviously did not buy into it in the slightest.  

Now that DH and BM are again having issues because he refuses to raise her alimony now that all child support has ceased, BM has ramped up PAS and it is radio silence from the skids.  And that means no contact with the grandchild.  DH is shocked that his son would behave this way after he has literally showered money in the form of monthly Amazon deliveries of diapers, formula, toys, and supplies plus actual cash for bills as he needed it over the past year.  Me?  I was expecting it and had warned him it was coming.  He is heartbroken about the child.  I honestly could not pick her out of a lineup.

This is not an unusual story at all.  You can read ones just like it by the hundreds on here.  Children who were weapons themselves will use their own children as weapons.  Or at the very least tools to get the things that they want.  It is normal to them.  Be very cautious with your heart.  

This is exactly why I am a firm proponent of rubbing the noses of the toxic opposition in the incontrovertible fact that .... my SO and I are partners. I couldn't give a flying rat's shit about what they think of me.  But what they have no choice but to recognize is that I am my bride's husband and she is my wife.

I agree with disengagement from the toxic skids and I agree with not engaging in a relationship with the GSkid spawn of those same Skids. But.... the Skids and everyone else in the mix should have no choice but to see you on your DH's arm as his equity life partner, as his priority and in the unshakable position as his sole top priority.

If DH goes for the GSkid birth, you go too.  Be radiant, be front and center on his arm, and do not let anyone exclude  you from making the very clear point that you are your DH's partner and his priority as he is yours.  No need to give gifts, or be a nightmare, just be obviously and radiantly present in your DH's life and be happy for him.  The Skids don't matter. DH does.

They off course will get all butt hurt and cranky. But that is their problem and most definitely not yours. 

I would stay disengaged as Miss Texas advised.  

Rags has my attitude and when you reach the stage of "not caring" it is much easier.  I do as I feel like doing.  The entire game belongs to my DH and his adult kids.  Not my problem and I refuse to give myself grief. 

It's my DH that has to give gifts etc.  I no longer do it.  I do not even remind DH.  There is a dayplanner in sight, with all dates entered for the year.  Again, not my duty.

Hugs

At not caring it is much better, that is true.

If your husband is like many of ours, whenever he is around them, he changes. He becomes their frightened little puppet with no backbone who sits through one insult hurled after another with not a word of response.

There is no amount of radiance I want to put off to have to endure watching my husband be a coward once again--to his adult kids, basking in yet one more show. You know, maybe they won. But, I am the winner more over-- by being away from this dysfunction for whatever sick reasons it exists.  Unless you have experiemced it, you would never believe the radical wimp husband transformation.

There are men who protect their wives and there are men who only protect their selves.  Knowing which kind you have is critically important.

Last time I went out and bought gifts for gskids SS and his wife had the audacity to return them to me. SS said, "did you have something to do with picking this out?" I told him yes I'd picked the gift out very thoughtfully and got sgs an age appropriate toy he would like.  It turns out sgs did love it but his parents did not so they gave it back to me. Have they ever rejected and returned a gift to DH?  Nope! That was it, luckily I learned my lesson and turned over ALL the gift buying duties to DH. I don't help, remind, wrap, nothing. His ungrateful brood is his responsibility.  

Wish I'd never put myself in the position of caring or engaging. I'm sure if someone had warned me I would have told them it would be different with me because I'm such a good person and love all kids. Ha!  They gave me the memo and I read it. Too bad the kids will suffer since DH's gifts are kinda lame sometimes. He grew up in a religion where they didn't celebrate anything so he's a bit clueless at this kind of stuff.  

I'm sorry but your stepchild's child is not your grandchild. In my view, the child is not related to you in any way. If the stepdaughter's mother is in the picture then the stepdaughter will prioritise her and my only advice is to stay disengaged. I am not interested in my stepdaughter so it is truly easy for me to say but I know everyone is different.