Advice— run or scale back?
Long time reader, first time poster. My boyfriend and I were set to take the plunge and move in together & get engaged. We are both full-time single parents, him a son 8 & my children 14 & 17. No breaks from kids at all
I had reservations because of his son, major behavioral & psych issues from early childhood trauma from BM (she is not in the picture at all.) I’m glad I listened to my gut about not taking the plunge because recently all help broke loose.
The son was diagnosed with attachment disorder. It’s going to be years of therapy and years of difficult parenting. My bf has to spend an incredible amount of time and energy devoted to his son. It’s taking its toll on everyone with no end in sight for years (based on what therapists have told us.)
Of course we are still committed to one another but at what point do you say ‘this is too much?’ We don’t get to see each other anymore & his son is resentful of our relationship. It’s almost like the writing is on the wall but we aren’t ready to walk away. Do we do a slow fade or rip off the bandaid approach if we decide it’s been too much? Or do we try to still best support each other right now during extremely difficult times and see if we can find a new way to enjoy a relationship neither one of us wants to walk away.
I know no one has an answer for me. I supposed I wanted to talk and hear some kind words
Welcome. I think that for
Welcome. I think that for your two kids' sake, don't move in with him. Living with a kid with Attachment Disorder will be very stressful and it's not fair to put them through that. I'm assuming they should be launched in the next few years and they deserve a reasonably peaceful home.
The therapists are right that this is a challenging issue to solve and the prognosis is not great. I personally would not move in with him at all, but have my own place and continue the relationship in that manner.
I have a friend who is divorced and has a 16-year-old son. She has made clear to her BF that she won't be moving in with him any time soon and maybe never - he chooses to stick around anyway.
Thanks... The moving in
Thanks... The moving in together was scrapped. I know better. My BF would still like to, but it’s not an option for me right now. (Or for a very long time.)
I suppose that’s part of my question. We are no longer moving forward. It’s more like we are moving sideways in our relationship. It’s still very committed but we’ve scaled back from an engagement to going on a date ever other week or so.
Good for you. Far too many
Good for you. Far too many people on here move their kids into crappy situations because they want a partner.
I guess only you two can decide if that level of relationship is enough for you. It might be, if you have other hobbies/interests/work/stuff with your kids that keeps you busy, or it may not be.
There may also be ways for you two to spend more time together - any relatives around that will take his son for a night? If not, he might be eligible for respite services. Your kids are old enough, or close to old enough to stay overnight alone, provided they are responsible kids.
Many times relationships don't end with a slam.
Sometimes, it's a slowly and softly closing door.
I think your SO is going to be focused on his son for a long time to come. You have your own children who must be your priority. For these reasons alone, I envision that you will continue to be "connected" to this man for the time being, but will not have a long-term future with him. Deep down, if he truly loves and cares for you, he probably wouldn't want you to either - he knows how much sacrifice it will require dealing with his son's issues. It's the old, "If you love someone, set them free..." adage.
In your case, setting you free - forever - would be the best outcome.
Slowly, your time together will shorten until this door has closed. Then, look forward to another one opening somewhere else.
You're a better person than I
You're a better person than I am. I could not live with losing my companion and my dream. I also could not live with a child with the diagnosis his child has. I would walk away. The rip-off-the-bandaid way. As much as it would hurt, the alternative would likely be more painful. There is an opportunity cost to staying with your BF in a relationship that's not what either of you wants.
Attachment Disorder is a
Attachment Disorder is a severe mental illness with lifelong consequences. You have children to think about as well. I could not willingly expose my children to this type of disfunction. Please do not move in with him until your children have launched.
Not moving in
I’m not sure if you missed my other posts about me putting the breaks on moving in. That’s not happening and for the reasons you mentioned... my kids. And also, for me. I can’t take that on. I know that. And also for my bf and his son moving in together is the worst possible idea
I actually understand this diagnosis more than my bf does. I’ve educated myself and am facing the harsh reality of what this means. That’s why I turned here for some kind words... this is not easy but I’m not going to be selfish, although at times I want to be.
Hey,
Hey,
So sorry to hear of your situation. You are a very strong and loving person to even be thinking about a way to keep the relationship intact. I feel like over time your relationship would become more of a friendship due to the lack of time and intimacy you would spend with each other.
You also deserve to be HAPPY! Truly HAPPY! What sets your soul on fire!? Do you want to travel, do you want to have companionship, do you want to beable to become a blended family and be able to include your children?
Do some serious soul searching. Because if 5 or 10 years down the road your situation is still in this same spot will you be happy!??
Your girls want to see you happy, they are watching
Best of Luck xo
D
The crux
And your post nailed it. Together, the two of us ARE that happy. The blended family without his son is that happy. But that’s not how it works. His son is impacting and will impact everyone for a very long time
For a long time I knew his son had this disorder even before the official diagnosis. My bf didn’t want to admit it so I tried to offer support and go along for the ride.
I admit that I took the easy way out of ignoring what I knew. I saw parenting ‘mistakes’ he was making. I tried to gently guide but nothing changed. I don’t want to disparage him... he didn’t know and he also didn’t want to know. Now that he knows, well...here we are
Blending the family is a disaster waiting to happen. So now what? I’m not bringing this into my fragile family, but damn it hurts.
Also, the guilt and sense of responsibility I have towards him weighs on my mind. I’ve put up very strong boundaries but to end a relationship right now seems cruel when I’m his lifeline. Also, he’s my lifeline while I deal with my own set of trauma. It’s a reciprocal give and take of support.
The entire thing just sucks.
Who says you have to end it right now?
As I mentioned in my post above, you don't have to slam the door shut right now. Go ahead and be his "lifeline" albeit from the comfort of your own home while your own children are protected from it. Get together with him (without his son) and have dates. Talk on the phone, sob on each others' shoulders, be friends with benefits. Spend adult one-on-one time with him as he gets used to this new normal he is going to have to experience with his son.
But. Know that this is NOT going to work out long term unless you are willing to sacrifice plenty - including your own kids' well-being.