Internal conflict - like the push me pull you
Remember Dr Dolittle's Push-Me-Pull-you, sort of an alpaca type creature with 2 heads?
I am experiencing some internal conflict and this time DH made notice and spoke of it. So funny because he sees the outward manifestation of things, comments and then I think about it and figure out the source.
You see, I have a reall good relationship with Munchkin SD13. We have these great conversations, she shares her feelings and all is good in the world. If there is a flare of something, we work it out, work past it, or move on from it. I love her very much.
So where is this conflict? Ill tell you! Its like she is 2 different people moving between 2 different worlds. When she is with us, we are close. I take her places and buy her things and "have adventures". We talk. When she goes back to her mother's apartment, she is back to being "her mother's child, not my child...Im just the step mom step aside..."
You here know what I mean. Its disjointing and jarring.
DH went fishing Sunday, Munchkin SD13 and I were hanging at home being lazy, talking. Then I took her shopping with a $20 budget (she came in at $12.50!) and we tried a new fancy place for lunch and then a fancy ice cream place for dessert. Then BM picked her up, and that was that.
This morning (Tuesday), Im telling my DH that I dont want to continue paying Munchkins phone bill, her mother doesnt pay her a dime, why am I stuck I dont want to do it any more. This was in response to Sprint upping the final payment on our phones. Then I told him any future spending on munchkin was on lock down as I need to save money. Ive been spending a lot of money on adventures with Munchkin. His response was to be expected "well stop taking her out with you, she is perfectly happy staying at home when you leave to do your own thing! Over here she has a nice big home, she has her pets, its clean. Over there she has a filthy apartment, her sister is wasted, her mother is drunk or hungover, so shes much happier hanging out here than there."
So, this lead me to the realization that perhaps I need to let go a bit. Repeat the mantra of "not my child, shes Toxic Trolls child, she loves her mother, that will never change no matter what happens, I dont need to try to buy her love, I need to be a solid person, get myself healthy, hope she wants to follow my lead, but dont get disappointed when she wants to continue her current lifestyle of being sendentary and always on her phone." Dont you love internal dialogue?
I enjoy the outdoors and so wish for a hiking buddy. I enjoy going to art museums, and seeing historical locations, gardens, going to the neaby beaches. I am not sure if I am projecting or what. Dh tells me just let her alone, dont get upset.
But when she goes I really miss her and WANT to do things with her and for her. Buy her pretty clothes. And thereby is my eternal internal conflict!
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Comments
This is something you have to work out
in yourself. You can continue to do think with her, with out spending a fortune of money, Free things, local paper usually have free thing to do in weekend. Free movie at library, street fairs , cost you a hot dog. Take her to a museum, stop at a pizza place. Hiking, pack a lunch. Stop for spread a blanket have lunch. Do cooking classes, free at schools or library.
No reason to pay for her cell phone. That your DH and BM problem don’t make it yours. Tell DH to pick up exter houts of work, or a part time job and he can pay the phone bill. Let see if he want to do that ?
Great ideas!
I need to do that for myself as well!!!!!
She really would be happy with less from me. I just feel bad when I go out, and leave her behind.
yes, it is something to work out.
I can understand how you feel
I can understand how you feel about this.
Especially with my younger SD. She and I really click.. I enjoy her company (mostly always have) and we have a good relationship. I also feel that I am "better than" her mom in a lot of ways.
BUT.. she loves her mom.. as flawed as she is. Her mom actually did the best she could (i think). Her mom is just super high conflict.. and just didn't know how to do for herself. she definitely was a gold digger (still is).
Her mom would also punish her if she percieved my SD's liking me too much... or if she thought I was doing fun stuff with them.. it would somehow dull HER relationship with the girls.
I know it's a bit of a balancing act for my YSD even now as a young adult. She loves her mom.. but she loves her dad and me too. She kind of also gets the push me pull you conflict in her life.
I think that your level of concern and care for your SD is great. It always should be tempered with the fact that she has a mother and that you are "in addition to" not "instead of". i think it's fine to do things with her if you enjoy it.. and can afford it. You don't always have to make them money things.. and I think encouraging healthy outside time is great and will do her good in the long run.
The addition
LOL. Yes I am the "bonus", the addition. Ill never ever be main event, the entre, just always the appetizer.
Thats the conflict too, when she tells me Im more motherly than her own "real" mom. The entre makes the appetizer work harder...to be more filling.
My SS was always great with
My SS was always great with us. Even now, at 19, he comes over, we have a good time, he says out loud that he wants to do it more often - then he gets back to BM's and he sinks back into the misery and the negative mindset and he goes back to baseline.
You have to work out your feelings of being competitive with BM, as if you want Munchkin to see your way as better - she probably will someday ... 10 years from now. But for now, just enjoy the time without being competitive with her relationship with BM. I know that's hard, but her relationship with BM really has nothing to do with you.
That being said, I do guard myself from getting close to SS until the day comes that he has an epiphany about who BM is and how her mindset has affected him.
Meet yourself in the middle.
Meet yourself in the middle. Cut back but don't cut her out completely.
A friend once gave me (what I
A friend once gave me (what I think is) good advice. Only do what gives you joy.
So if you want to do something, if it gives you joy, and you want to bring Munchkin, do it. If you’d rather go alone, or with a friend, do it. If it’s not something you want to do, don’t do it.
Leave toxic troll out of the equation. Don’t give her headspace. It’s what gives you joy that matters.
I find that there is very little that gives me joy with the steps and SGkids. And the amount of joy I find gets less each year.
EXACTLY
That is the crux of my internal conflict that DH noticed...and remarked on.
I do it, it gives me joy, then when she goes off to Toxic Trolls place I start regretting my expenditures...regretting the joy. Like a hangover I guess!!!!
From just reading your blog,
From just reading your blog, it seems like you want to be overly enmeshed with her. Do you have friends to do those things with?
She's reaching an age where she's going to be all about her friends soon. Be prepared.
Not having bios
I wonder that myself - like how much "us time" should I expect/give. I take her out with me probably 2 times per month, during weekends. Is that too much? And when she is with us 5 days on/5 days off, 2-3 nights are movie nights or something...depending...is that too enmeshed? We dont wear the same styles together..lol!
Shes already at the all about friends - we talk about when she starts driving and is 18 - we will never see her, and I say that as an encouragement "go out tino the world, little bird!" although when the time comes Ill be a little nostalgic. Im always telling her to start arranging sleepovers with her bff.
Oh, and yes, I have friends to do things with. And I like "jaunting on my own" as well.