Separating feelings
My bf and I both come from previous marriages. He has a kid from his marriage, I do not. His daughter is about 7.5yo, and she's been living with us every other week for 1.5yrs. She's not a bad kid, just kinda annoying sometimes because she's just like her mother - talks too much, self absorbed, a busybody - which probably describes children in general, so I don't really fault her for any of those things. But, I don't love her - not yet anyway. On a good day, I think "oh, she's not so bad.". Most of the time, I'm just trying to be really zen about the whole thing and not let the fact that I have to be a stepparent bother me. I'd also like to add that her dad is really trying. It was rough in the beginning, but he is really trying to focus on US and our future, bc we want our own kids, etc...
Like a typical starry-eyed father, he wants me to love her like my own, blah blah blah...encourages me to be super involved and parent her like my own. I'm not trying to be her mother - I consider myself another adult/role model she can have a relationship with. At first, I thought it was because he wanted everything to be about her, but upon upon further thought, I think he thinks by encouraging me to fill the "mom" role, I'll start feeling like she's my own and love her as such and I'll feel like our family is "normal" and not just blended. For the sake of simplicity, let's assume we all know this is not an attempt to replace her real mom. This is purely about the family dynamics in our own home.
While I'm not with him BECAUSE I wanted to be a stepparent, I understand this is our reality. However, I wonder, are my feelings for his kid some kind of gauge for how much I love him? Meaning, if I loved him more, would it be easier to love her and come to peace with being a stepparent, bc I know how important it is to him? Or can those be separate feelings?
In my experience, they're
In my experience, they're separate feelings. I treat his children well because I love my DH, but my love for DH doesn't make me love his kids. I think stepparents can grow to love their skids as they develop a relationship with them, know them well and spend a lot of time with them, but I don't think the degree of your love for your partner causes you to love their children, any more than it would cause you to love your mother-in-law.
Two different kinds of love
Love for a partner and love for a child are two different types of love. Loving your SO more will not make you love the skid more. And just because you don’t feel that way about your skid does not make you a bald person. Your SO doesn’t get it because he doesn’t have to deal
with feelings toward someone else’s child.
I couldn’t love nun DH more than I do and yet I don’t love his kids. I care the youngest and even can enjoy his company most days. But I don’t love him like my own. I have zero love for the oldest two. I doubt I ever do love them. They aren’t the kind of people I like let alone love. That doesn’t lessen my love for DH.
You can care about, have concern for another persons child and still not love them. It’s normal.
So true...it's a real
So true...it's a real struggle for me not to know his experience BEING her parent, and for him not to know my experience NOT being her parent...and it just feels way more taboo to NOT like a child, esp your partners, bc the obvious question is always "well, why are you with him then?" Nasty in-laws aren't anything new, but you usually don't have to live with them...
People (parents) want us to
People (parents) want us to believe, "If you love me, you have to love my child because they are a part of me." Well, that's just stupid, really. I mean, I love my niece (my sister's kid) but I don't love her dad just because they share DNA.
I love my DH, therefore, I accept the fact that he has a daughter and that HE loves her. Me loving her, or not, has nothing to do with my feelings for him, it's based on my relationship with HER, it's based on HER actions and her role in my life.
Your BF trying to get you to be super involved is going to backfire. Loving someone elses child cannot be forced.
On a similar note, I hope his
On a similar note, I hope his feelings for me are not swayed by my feelings for his daughter. He says they're not, but I'm not a parent - how do I know what he's REALLY feeling? ::shrug::
Hopefully, he fell in love
Hopefully, he fell in love with you because of you, not because of feelings that he hoped you would have for his daughter.
All that can really be expected, is that you care about his daughter's well being because that affects him, and you care about him.
I did love my SD at one time (long story) and even though I no longer have those feeling for her, I care about her. I don't want anything bad to happen to her. I want her to do well because I don't want my DH to worry about her. He understands that and is okay with it.
Your BF needs to understand that unconditional loven(like that between parents and children) does not come easy, very few people have it for those they are not related to. That is just a fact and it should not be held against you.
If he doesn't get that, I would really wonder what his ulterior motives are, as it seems he has at least one (based on your other post). I would be very wary of this relationship.
I would say that it depends.
I would say that it depends. Yes, SD is heavily influenced by her BM and the baggage that represents. However, does your SO parent, confront the crappy behavior that SD brings from BM's and does he make you and the relationship that you have between the two of you above all else? If so, then I would say it is possible to consider your feelings for SO and SD as semi-independent from each other. If not, then I would say that your feelings regarding SD reflect underlying feelings for your SO.
Only you know which it is.
Do not go down the "if I loved him more" rathole. Put the onus of making you and the relationship the priority on him. You are there and participating. Is he?
That... is the question IMHO.
He tries to, but then he's
He tries to, but then he's got all that baggage too of not being able to parent her full time, so it's like...when thinking about our life, talking about our future, there's always that nagging "what about SD?" and I GET that she is a part of the package, but I guess I'm struggling with how can WE be a priority, yet still including her. I don't particularly find the family time fulfilling for myself, it's just something I do for him - is that making US a priority? Is that quality US time? So it's hard not to feel like she's just getting in the way of us...even though she is not actively doing anything... Prioritizing our relationship when he has a kid with someone else - what does that look like exactly? I'm so confused lol
I do not think that it is any
I do not think that it is any different to prioritize a relationship over BKs than it is to prioritize a relationship over SKs.
My parents gave my brother's and I absolute clarity that their marriage and each other came first above all else including their sons.
I suppose that is why I don't struggle with this either as a concept or in my own life, marriage and as a parent to my Skid.