Step Mom vs Dad vs Child
It feels like when my step daughter is around (or even if my husband and I are having a conversation about her) it turns to World War 3. The back story....my husband has a daughter from a one night stand 7 years ago (he of course has his own emotional issues that come with this..). We've been married for 2.5 years, have an 18 month old daughter together and I'm pregnant with our second. We've had issues working together to raise my step-daughter from the moment we got married. We argued over behavior and consequences (I always thought there were behavior issues, he didn't), who was responsible for what, etc etc. At times, it seems to get better, but then we just dip into the same old fights. To be honest, I've given up on the behavior/consequences, if he wants his daughter to act that way, than be my guest. At this point, for my own sanity, I just have ignore it and how my daughter to different expectations. I do hold boundaries though, a huge issue in our marriage. We've gone to counseling, which band-aids the issues temporary, but the issues still exists. I've never once said this aloud, and it hurts to even to put in writing...... I don't love my step-daughter. Some days, I can't even say I like her to be honest, although I would NEVER show that. I only see her a couple hours every week (dinner visit) and one weekend a month, and we just don't have a connection. I think that is REALLY hard for my husband to understand because I think he knows it. I can't force myself to love somebody, and when I did, it just made things EVEN WORSE. I don't know what kind of help I'm asking for here... Maybe just a friend... Deep down, I know if we don't fix this, it will ultimately end our marriage. How many years can you spend having the same arguments?
Also - what boundaries do you have? I will cook dinner, do my step-daughters laundry, and watch her if my husband needs to run an errand (doctor appt, mow the grass, etc.), but I'm not willing to take her for full days. Her mom has her 80% of the time, I just wanted to hold him accountable for his 20% or I'm afraid I'll end up taking on more and more and more! Is this contributing to the issues? Should I be equally responsible for her as I am my own daughter?
It sounds like you have
It sounds like you have disengaged a bit.. which is perfectly fine. It also sounds like you do help him with her at times.. but have set your limits as to what you are willing to do. I am curious.. what is his level of involvement with your child vs his?
Also, what are the aguments about regarding her.. if you are disengaged?
He absolutely is on the wrong page if he thinks that you have to "love" his daughter. You can coexist in the same home without that feeling. It sounds like you help out with her at times.. so is he just upset he can't completely get rid of his responsibility to do child care?
His involvement with our
His involvement with our child and his is probably about the same, which is also frusterating for me at times. He's only ever been a 20% parent (if that), and sometimes it feels like that's what he thinks he should be with our child too. I get her up in the morning, put her to bed at night, and take care most of her basic needs throughout the day. He will help with packing her lunch from time to time or change diapers, but it's far from 50/50. I get a lot of help from my parents, which I'm SO fortunte for!
He will make comments like, "she is your step daughter!!" I guess trying to tell me I do have responsibilities for her? Or he will just get angry. I think some of his anger stems from the sitaution. He didn't want a daughter out of wedlock, but it is what it is, and I can't change that.
He needs to deal with his
He needs to deal with his anger and not take it out on you or be a lazy parent because he is frustrated at the situation he has put himself in. Maybe he needs some personal therapy.
Yes, she is your STEP daughter, meaning your only responsibility towards her is accepting that she exists and being civil towards her. The cooking and the laundry is one thing, you are doing that for the family, but you have no personal responsibility for her, as much as he wants to put it on you.
What difference does it make
What difference does it make if the kid was out of wedlock? He's not doing much for his bio kid either.
Face it, kids: your dad's just not that into you.
His daughter is not your
His daughter is not your responsibility, so no, you should not be equally responsible for her as you are your own daughter.
You don't have to love her, either.
Your husband has unreasonable expectations if he thinks that you should love his daughter as he does, or be as responsible for her as he is. If he wanted somebody else to share his responsibility, he should have married someone who was willing to take that on... after he let said person know, up front, that that was what he wanted.
Was any of this discussed before marriage?
You should absolutely keep your boundaries in place and he should respect that. I guess he wants you to be his doormat, instead?
No, before we got married he
No, before we got married he said he just hoped that we could have a friendly relationship. I think he feels alone in this and wants a partner in parenting, and I feel terribly guilty, but I can''t be that person. I can be his partner as his wife, give him advice, and help him through the hard times, but I can't replace her mom or change the situation.
Ah, the 'ol bait and switch.
Ah, the 'ol bait and switch. I see. He said one thing, but really wanted and expected another and hoped he could just force it on you after marriage.
Sounds like he's the type of
Sounds like he's the type of man who sees parenting as the mother's job, and extends that to your SD. That's not uncommon on here, and often the women agree at first, but then when it doesn't work out, they want a change (which is fair) and the man is resentful.
Too bad, she's not your responsibility.
I think that some of the
I think that some of the problem comes from women's propensity to "audition" for wife role. I see it in my SD's.. who would do things like put their domestic skills on display for their boyfriends. Cook for them.. do their laundry.. pack their lunches.. keep the house clean.. being solicitous and bringing them beers while they watch a sports game on TV. Then they get miffed when the guy ends up sitting on the couch and expecting the "service" that she so proudly displayed for him when they were in the early dating phase of their relationship.
This auditioning can even go as far as showing them what a great "mother" they would be by doting on the guy's kids..or showing him how good she is with a friend or relative's kid.
But, sometimes when we do things.. in earnest at first.. we realize that the effort is not worth it. Caring for Skids can definitely fall into that category as we realize it's not just like babysitting. There are pitfalls.. dealing with a bitter EX. Dealing with an absent father who is more than happy to abdicate their responsibility to the woman. But you realize you have all the work with none of the authority and that dynamic sucks.
You see him not parenting the other kid he made either.. and the same will go for his third child. He doesn't see child care as his job.. you are the woman.. YOU do it... but he doesn't trust you to do it your way.. and has the expectation that you will automatically love the kid.. because it's an extension of him.. not true.
I also think women, by and
I also think women, by and large, are nurturers and they think it will work out fine to become the primary parent - many on here say that. And that's what men like this are looking for, so it's a match made in heaven - they think.
I'll confess that I do a fair amount of "wifey" stuff for DH - do his laundry, make him coffee in the morning, remind him to take his pills - and I'm fine with that. I am a natural caregiver and I enjoy that (most of the time). But I never expected or wanted to be SS's parent, and DH didn't want that either. The few times I overstepped and acted like a parent, he put me right back in my lane where I belonged. So that's worked out well for us, because we had a plan from the start.
A lot going on
Soon to be three small ones. Not easy. He should not expect you to love his kid, but how the heck is he supposed to mow the lawn on the weekend his kid is there? It does not seem like she is there that much.
She literally says that she
She literally says that she WILL watch the child for small errand/chore type situations. What she has a problem with is him assuming that she will watch his child on a "full day" basis.. and even further to that.. not even give her the courtesy of telling her WHEN that might be.
Again.. the only time that he might be somewhat off the hook on the childcare issue is if they made a joint decision that she would stay at home and "watch the kids" and he would work. If she is a SAHM.. his assumption is that she would let him know when she won't be available to fill that role.
Unlike some others on here... I think if you fill a SAHM role in the home.. it's ok to include the skids in that responsibility. If you want to exclude them from that agreement.. the wage earner is also able to vote in that "no.. if you can't watch all the kids.. then I prefer that you return to work.. and you and I will split the childcare of our joint kids while I have to cover my prior relationship child's care". I don't think that the SAHM can broker a deal without agreement.. just like the wage earner can't either.
This kid is only in your
This kid is only in your household a mere 50 hours or so a month? And when she is there, he can't be bothered with her because of...doctor's appointments? Mowing the lawn?
Are you kidding? At most, SD's little more than an occasional visitor to your home -- hardly a "responsibility" for him with so little contact.
He should NOT be scheduling ANYTHING on the one weekend a month the kid is there. He can mow during the week, pay someone to mow it, not mow it, or rip it up and put in cement, but please do not let him use this bullshit excuse on you.
Please, please tell me what doctor this king-of-a-husband of yours is managing to schedule appointments with on a weekend! There is no such thing as weekend doctor's appointments unless it's at the emergency room. If your husband must see a doctor, let him take time off work or go on a weeknight. He is bullshitting you if he's telling you there is no other time to schedule a doctor's appointment than when his kid is at your house.
I'm also confused...if this kid is rarely there, how much work can she generate for you OR him? How much laundry could this child generate over a two-day visit? I'm not doubting that there's more work, and I don't think YOU should have to do it, but come on, the kid is only in your house 24 days out of 365 days a year! She can't possibly be the cause of so much work. Are you SD is the problem? Sounds to me like he checks out after climax and leaves the mess for the women to raise. You're doing a lot more for your own kid/kids than you are for that other woman's kid, so...maybe that's really your frustration -- he's not parenting your kid and soon there will be more kids for him not to parent.
But back to SD...he has NO responsibilities for this girl except to spend time with her, but your guy can't manage to "be present" for 30 hours a month (she probably sleeps 20 of the hours she's at your house)?
That's great: he has BM for the heavy SD lifting and you for the light lifting. I hope he's worth it, but I doubt it. And you already know therapy won't work.
I think you're missing the point about this guy. It's not about SD. He's a shitty parent to ALL his kids and that makes him a shitty husband. He has no interest after the act that brings them into this world, as evidenced by how the first kid got here. That's what you better start worrying about because he's not going to be a better dad to three kids than is already is to two. I predict he'll check out even more, if that's possible.
He's a deadbeat. Stop burdening yourself with more kids you're going to end up raising alone. Kids deserve two parents who want them. If you know you already don't have that, it is not fair to keep breeding.
There is no such thing as
There is no such thing as weekend doctor's appointments unless it's at the emergency room.
While I get your point that he should make his appointments when his daughter is not there, there most certainly are weekend doctor appointments, I just had one.