I am honestly sorry this 3000 words but I hope to find someone who understands what I am going through.

So, I met my husband 5 years ago and at the time he had a 1-year-old daughter. We were both 20 years old and our relationship moved very fast. BM was 18. For the next two years DH could only see SD every once in a while, because of her BM. They were still married but separated when we met. When SD was 3, they finalized the divorce and he managed 50/50 custody but she lived with BM. BM had a new boyfriend (now husband) and she had SD calling him dad. At this point she was 37 pounds. SD would come over to our house and could not do anything for herself and had many other issues I will state in a minute. First, SD could not talk, pee in the toilet, dress herself or even simply play by herself. DH and I painstakingly taught her to pee in the toilet but BM refused to do it at her house so she wore pull ups with BM but not with us. Next, we taught her to talk and taught her the alphabet song and taught her to play alone. BM would sit SD in front of a TV all day and DH and I were not going to do this. Now for the other issues involved hygiene and health. Specifically, SD came over to our house every time smelling like a bucket of grease, dirty clothes and shoes on and extremely bad lice. I would immediately bathe her when she came over and then search her head for lice and find anywhere from 50 to 100 every time. She gave me lice 4 times but for some reason DH was completely immune. The back of her head was a complete scab from itching. I have pictures of things but I don’t want to share them on here. She was also sick every time she came over. After a few months SD started losing her hair and none of us could figure out why. BM said it was our fault for using lice solution on her hair too much. I never used lice solution because I had an electric lice comb. SD basically had half of her hair left when one day I looked over at her while she was eating breakfast only to see her pulling it out! I immediately told DH and we confronted her. I will never forget what she said to me. SD said she wanted to get rid of the bugs and started to cry. A couple of weeks later something worse happened. (not the worst so keep reading) BM shaved SD hair and made her wear a beanie and verbally shamed her. BM amazed me with how she would put SD in booty shorts and a sleeveless shirt in the winter and a hoodie with a beanie in the heat. We had not seen SD in around three weeks due to BM holiday falling on DH weekend. I tried to talk to her about it but it would make her cry. I tried to put a flower head band on her head and bought her some dresses and told her she was beautiful without her hair. I put a dress on her one of the days that I already had and I noticed it was falling off of her when it hadn't been before and it turned out she was at 32 pounds. At the beginning on May BM called DCS on DH and claimed he had bruised her face and bottom. We found out later the DCS worker told BM that it was a false claim and she was okay to come back to our house. BM would not let us see her again. She put out a restraining order on DH. SD turned four and we missed it and we scheduled a custody battle to happen around December. The week after thanksgiving we got a call that would change our lives. My mother was Facebook friends with BM and saw a status about how SD was having surgery. Soon after we got a call from DCS. She said BM and her BF were being investigated. BM's father made her take SD to the hospital when she wouldn’t eat on Thanksgiving and he told her something was wrong with her. What happened to her happened four days before Thanksgiving. She was taken to Riley hospital with a black eye, bruising all over her side and back and a split pancreas. We have asked her a couple of times and she said BM's BF got mad at her and would spank her with a long board. She said BM would repeatedly smack her in the head when she was mad at her. He had stomped on her from the back and the trauma tore open her pancreas. Due to the restraining order BM had put on DH before, SD went to live with BM's father. BM and her BF also have another child who was 1 year 2 months old. He was unharmed. They both had lice and bedbug bites. This would also lead to DCS getting BM's sisters kids taken away as well (not for physical abuse but cleanliness) so BM's father had 4 kids staying with them along with his own SD who was 27 and has MS. As a result of the trauma SD had to take medication with all her meals until March when it healed because her pancreas could not function properly. Mid-December DH got the restraining order removed and finally got to see SD and the last week of December I got to see her. DH received a detailed paper about her medical issues and report to DCS about DM and her BF and it stated she was 32 pounds still. Visitation was on Wednesdays and I had to work so it took me longer to get the day off and BM lived in a different town. For the next few months my husband quit his job because of all the trials and visitation and later many doctors’ visits. In late February DH went to custody trial and got full custody of SD with supervised visits only for BM. She was 34 pounds at this point and looking healthier. So, SD was still technically in custody of DCS but was living with us. We had to go through a trial where they interviewed us, I had to do a background and they inspected our home more than once. DCS was providing transportation and BM was refusing to feed SD during the visits when she had to be gone from our house for around seven hours. I started sending food and BM would give half of it to the brother when he lived five minutes away so I had to complain to DCS and they made her bring food but she would only bring something for the son. In May, the week before Memorial Day, SD was fully released from DCS and DCS was not going to provide transportation or a location for visits anymore. So, at this point they released custody to DH. This was last year and BM has not seen SD since. SD is now 5 almost 6. BM married the BF and said in court in front of DH that they only wanted the son back. During this last year has been quite the struggle for me and DH. First, SD would cry randomly when sitting on the toilet, or some other mundane task and when asked she would say she missed her brother. We made a deal to let BM's father take her one weekend out of the month so she could see her brother. To this day the brother’s case is still open and BM has another child now. We have not told SD about the new child yet. BM lives in a RV on a friend’s property from what we have been told by her father. SD also had a bedwetting issue that she did not have before BM stopped letting us see her. She still pees the bed every once in a while, but it mostly stopped around July. She went to Kindergarten later that year and would act up in class. She would scream, spit on chairs, she drew a 4x4 mural on the wall, eat things off the floor and even smacked a boy across the face. We took her to the doctor and asked if we could have her tested for ADD or ADHD and they basically said we don't know what we are talking about. We also got SD up to 40 pounds and when she started school, she was dropped down to 37 because the school was not making her eat her breakfast or lunch. The doctor also took no issue with this. It’s so odd because she doesn’t do the things she did at school when she is at home. She destroys all her toys and clothes, though. We have now moved to another town and she doesn't sleep. When we moved, I decided to homeschool her and she honestly refuses to do the schoolwork. I taught her a lot but not enough for first grade so we have decided to do Kindergarten again this year coming up. She will be 18 when she graduates high school still, if she went to 1st grade she would have been 17. I am hoping she will be more emotionally mature this year. I read that kids at her age need about ten hours of sleep. I will put her to bed at 9 or 10 and she won’t be asleep when I go to bed at midnight and when we get up at 7 or 8, she will be awake before us. I need some serious advice from someone who has been through something involving an abused child. I know she is upset that her mom won’t see her. She also has made it to the stage of disliking me because I am not BM. I knew it would come but I didn't think it would be this soon. DCS recommended us to have her do therapy but I know she won’t do it. They tried to do it with her at the beginning and she would either just manipulate treats out of them or cry until someone came to get her. She also has not seen her brother or grandfather since February this year. Grandfathers SD is not doing well medically so they don't have the time to see her. I don't know if I should let SD know about the declining health. She doesn’t cry about her brother anymore. Another issue I am having is that SD will not play with her toys. She will just sit in her room and do nothing. Sometimes she will talk to herself but not actually play. She has so many toys it is ridiculous. Toys R Us was shutting down when she was about to turn 5 and I spoiled her a bit too much. When she came to live with us last year in February, I also threw her a Christmas because we didn't get to spend it with her.

My issues I am having that I really need help with are that she doesn't like me. One thing is that she will try to drive me and my husband into arguments. She also tries to pin my mother against me and tries to embarrass me in front of her when my husband is not around. My main issue is that she will not listen to me. I don't mean this in a way of I tell her not to touch something on a shelf and she does. I mean I will say "go get dress" or "go pee so we can go to the movies" and she will wait until my husband repeats what I say to do it. Recently I told my husband to stop repeating what I say but she still will wait for him to. She also tries to trip me when I am walking sometimes or will cut me off when walking. She doesn’t do this to any other person. I went outside once to get the mail when I was home with her alone and she told DH that I should leave forever because I left her in the house alone for 30 seconds. She also struggles with expression. We try to help her and say "how does that make you feel" she will either say "it’s sad", "I’m mad", she will thumb up if she is happy but she will not do more. DH has asked a therapist and he has said she probably wasn’t allowed to have emotions before so she is behind on expressing them. I want to say she does not respond to negative or positive reinforcement. If I take something away she does not care and I tried a sticker chart for her to earn new toys, stickers or whatever she would like and she won't do anything to earn the stickers. In her class she would have a color system and would only come home with yellow or red. I tried to tell her if she could get a week of green that we would go bowling or go to the park or do something fun and she wouldn't do it. DH was abused as a child but was never put into the hospital because of it so he understands her a little bit but not all the way. Also, she pretends not to know how to do things. Sometimes she will pretend she can’t open her own bedroom door. When my mom is around, she pretends like she can’t put her own shoes on or brush her own hair. I have taught her to do a lot of things that I don’t think other kids her age can do and she is so smart but she chooses to act like she isn’t. One day we went to her school for the meeting and her teacher told us she can only count to 25. We started teaching her to count before she went to school and I had heard her more than once count to 100 but she pretends not to know how in front of her teacher. In September we got a cat and she hates the cat too, she will get really upset if DH hold the cat in front of her. The other day she told DH that she wished she could be me and be his wife instead of me. We tried to explain to her that parents and kids don't love each other in the same way husbands and wives do. When she is in public with just DH she will kiss his hand and try to kiss him a bunch of times. He is uncomfortable with it and we both know she doesn't understand. Also, the BIGGEST issue that has been going on this whole time she has been with us and has not stopped, which is the things I need help with. She hurts herself sometimes. She will beat herself in the head with toys and she won’t say why. When she breaks a toy or smacks herself with one, we will ask what she feeling and she would say she doesn't know. I would say were you mad or upset and she would say no. 

I didn't ask to be her only mom. I would never wish someone’s parent to dip out on them, no matter how bad they are. I lost my dad 5 months after DH and I met. He never got to see me get married and he never met SD. I have taken her to museums and to the library. We read books to her most nights and let her pick them. We did a summer reading challenge last year at the library and she has around 100 books and we are doing it again this year. I payed for her to do dance until we moved and Girl Scouts. I was a Girl Scouts troop leader. I sat her down and showed her videos of people doing different sports and she picked dance. DH is going to put her in it again this school year and Girl Scouts. I do not think it is anything I am or am not doing. Everyone in my family tells me how proud they are of me because they can see the change in her over time. She used to be very closed off and shy when she moved in and now, she is very loud (sometimes too loud) and social. I have also been in contact on and off with BM's husband's other ex. He has two other women he had children with and we talked off and on. 

I am also going to ask for help from anyone who struggles with their DH's family. When we were at a visit with SD, I asked her what she would like to do for her birthday. I thought she would say Doc McStuffins or Hello Kitty but she said Wonder Woman. She repeated from that moment until October that BM made her be SuperGirl for Halloween that year and she really wanted to be Wonder Woman. I went ahead and made it a mix of DC super hero girls and Justice League so it was boy and girl friendly. I had a falling out with DH family because they said we made it up and she didn't actually like Wonder Woman. They don't like me personally because of this. How do I deal with this as well?