Stepmom having DH's first child (no infidelity)
I probably have a unique situation. BM and DH weren't able to have children together due to BM needing a hysterectomy at a very young age. They eventually adopted DH's nephew after an abuse situation, but he's always called them aunt and uncle.
They adopted him at 6 and divorced when he was 9. Child is now almost 12. Custody is 50/50, leaning a little more towards BM as she has a more flexible schedule. DH and I met over a year later and have been...not preventing since our marriage 8 months ago. I'm now 12 weeks along and have just publicly announced. I never thought it would happen this quickly with our ages, but it's bringing up things we weren't prepared for.
We're both overjoyed, and in many ways we're both first time parents. But it's causing problems with the ex-wife and nephew. BM and I work on the same office floor, so we see each other every day and as awkward as it is for me, I'm sure it's not easy for her either. The child wants to stay with us more as he wants to spend more time with his father figure, which we're fine with but that raises more tension with BM. Things are starting to get tense and I have no idea how to mitigate that.
I can't NOT have a child, nor would I want to if I could. I can't stop nephew from going through puberty. How can I make this transition easier on everyone?
Anyone else dealing with anything even remotely similar?
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It's not uncommon for the ex
It's not uncommon for the ex to get a bit upset when their former partner moves on and has a child with someone else. In your case it may be even more challenging because the BM could not have her own biological children and now DH is having one with someone else.
If BM has been pleasant up until now, it may blow over with enough time, and with you and DH not reacting in negative ways.
Just stick to the custody schedule. If nephew wants more time at your home, he can ask his aunt/mother himself, and if she says no, then so be it. 12-year-olds don't get to decide where they live, and now is not the time to rock that boat.
It sounds like
Dad is not taking all his time now. One problem with 50/50 is that there be no designed NCP, which means that each party has to take all his time. The mom may think if ex has time for new kid, he should be taking all his designated time. But they should cross that bridge when it comes to.
I agree, it may be challenging, and the mom may feel that dad is less attentative to younger childe. Dad needs to be polite with her but "play his own game." As kids get older, they naturally spend more time in group activities, dad should be making certain his older son has those opportunities. If the older son is still dealing with the effect of abuse, which can be long term, dad should get him counseling.
First off, my state does
First off, my state does designate one person the NCP if they have 50/50.
Second - to me, it sounds like they made an arrangement for BM to have more time because she has a more flexible job. Some people are able to be flexible and not stick rigidly to a 50/50 schedule.
They may not have formally changed the 50/50
And as I said, now the mom may think DAD can handle the 50% he signed up for. She may go back to court and get it changed, and it may effect CS.
Are you think rigid with your
Are you this rigid with your kids' time with the other parent? Not everyone follows a CO right to the letter, they flex with agreement on both sides. They don't have to change that with the court.
SS does a lot of school clubs
SS does a lot of school clubs and is in counseling.
BM's schedule is more
BM's schedule is more compatible with school. It's not an official change, just an informal agreement.
My ss12 is going through the
My ss12 is going through the same thing and we have a very high conflict BM. I agree with the above post that ss should ask about spending more time with DH if he wants to. In my case, BM wants to be the cool parent so she tells ss yes every time he asks. Of course this just makes her look like the push over. In your case, BM is prothaving a difficult time emotionally, so be sensitive to that. It wouldn’t hurt for ss to hang out with BM if DH has to work. Congratulations!
First
Congratulations on your first child!
None of this drama is yours to fix or smooth over. Let DH, BM and SS work this out. The only time you should be involved is if the plan directly impacts your home or you are being voluntold to take up DH’s slack.
Perhaps you should consider finding a new place to work. However, since your company’s flex schedule policy is working for BM to help her with SS, it will certainly help you when your DH is inflexible.
Your baby will be DH’s first bio, yes, but not his first child. A rose, by any other name, would smell as sweet. So no matter what SS calls DH and BM, they are still “mom and dad”. I know a popular internet creator who’s daughter calls her “Babe” because that’s what she heard her dad call her mom. It’s adorable and doesn’t negate the fact that it’s a mother/daughter relationship.
DH and nephew don't really
DH and nephew don't really have a father-son relationship though. Nephew seems... restrained towards both of them. It's not some close, loving bond. Apparently he was closer to BM when his food issues were at their worst, but that faded. There is no physical affection because nephew "doesn't like it".
Nephew seems more afraid of any adult than anything else. He's very polite, has friends, and is in some clubs at school, but it's almost like he's trying to avoid being around anyone older than him. These recent talks are the closest DH and nephew have ever been.
Well
the kid suffered abuse. But that doesn’t negate the fact that your DH adopted him and cares for him exactly like a “real dad”. Perhaps SS’s newfound interest in your DH stems from the fear of being rejected by yet another parent when the new baby comes.
Not all kids and parents have the same kind of relationship. My BS and I weren’t especially cuddly after he turned 10 or so. He’s a lot my biomom, kinda standoffish and cat like. I suspect my BD and I will be more like my stepmom and sister- snuggling and holding hands even as adults.