Need support and advice
Back again after a fews months. Husband and I are enjoying these first 8 months of our new marriage. SD19 is still a hot mess - worse than before. Her beautiful daughter is now 3 months old. We love her to pieces. SD19 is still with that bum bf. He doesnt work still; she got a job but its minimum wage and PT...at least working. Here are the highlights:
- he has hit her or shoved her or abused her in some way at least 4 time that we know of
- i don't think he considers them to be in a relationship - he sees other women
- she came home from her mom's after having gall bladder surgery and recuperating to find 2 other women in her bed
- they party like they're childless and she puts it all on FB
- after the last altercation, she called her 2 aunts and mom to come get her cause he locked her and baby out the house. By the time they got there, she was refusing to press charges or leave him
- Aunt called CPS because of everything she saw at that house. It smells like weed, a ton of empty liquor bottles around, dirty, clothes everywhere, house if filthy.
- CPS told aunt its an open case. That was about a month ago - not sure if they're still going over. They cleaned up the house after the first visit.
- Both are doing drugs that we know of
- She admitted they both joined a gang
There's more but I'll leave it at that. She did her usual thing of cutting everyone off, not speaking to anyone or letting us see the baby. We all knew she'd need something eventually and come calling. I told my husband though that since she isn't changing her behavior, I was changing mine. I no longer want her around me - don't want to hear her BS. Sure enough she wants to make up and come over and have daddy do stuff for her, give her rides, etc. He has pretty much turned down all her requests so far.
Here's my dilemma. BF put his hands on her again. My husband wants to beat the crap out of him but I've made him promise not to go over there. I don't want him arrested or worse. I don't believe SD would have her dad's back if it came down to that. He just wants to get her out of that house but i cannot allow them to come here. I can't live with that chaos. But I also don't want the baby to be in harm's way. I don't know what to do.
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Comments
Honestly, it sounds like your
Honestly, it sounds like your sd is gonna be a loss. It's going to be really difficult for her to turn her life around at this point, sad but true.
Have you and your husband called CPS? You should. Every time you hear about something going on over there.
Her/her boyfriend's life style is of the type that you read about when something awful happens to a baby/young child.
There have been too many news reports about these terrible crimes lately. And it was the FIRST thing I thought of when reading your post about your sd and her baby.
Call CPS EVERY CHANCE YOU GET. That baby needs to be removed from that terrible life before something happens to her.
SAVE THE BABY!
If it's an open CPS case, be
If it's an open CPS case, be prepared to get a phone call asking if you want to have kinship custody of the baby while the case is meandering through court and the reunification attempts. Think carefully about your answer now so that you are prepared when the call comes.
Baby is your grandchild, cute and adorable. Your heart is saying yes. But, realize that you are signing on for an eighteen year commitment if SD does not get her act together. Are you if an age to make this commitment? Do you have the financial resources to do so? Does your state give a stipend to kinship placements? Do you understand that CPS will control all of the decisions (medical, visits with SD, visits with baby's father, whether you can take the baby out of state, etc) while the baby is in kinship care? Your house will be inspected. You will be fingerprinted. You will be background checked. Case workers will regularly visit your home. And don't forget to factor in that if you take this child, you may later get a call for baby #2.
It is not automatically right to say yes to kinship care. It is not wrong to say no to kinship care. It is not a decision to take lightly. It is something you need to think about now, so you will be ready when the call comes.
I agree with calling CPS. You
I agree with calling CPS. You owe it to that child.
You will have decide if you want to take on your step grandchild, what does your husband want if it came down to that?
it would be a 18+ year commitment.
Just to warn you I know someone who did that. Her step granddaughter was beat by the parents as a baby, the baby went into foster care and she rescued the baby at 6 months old. Raised her like her own child. By the time Granskid was 11, absolutely hated her Nanny (my friend) and played her and her husband off one another. The granddaughter still lives at home with them, smoking pot in their house, not paying rent, stealing from them, and destroying property. It broke my friend heart. She would do the tough love and kick her out by bio grand dad won’t stand for it. Both of them can’t retire because they have debt because of her, my friend is 73 years old without retirement in site, health benefits and disability from her job were cut off at 70 years of age. Now her bio grand daughter has been placed with her because her youngest daughter is a useless mother shacked up with an abusive man.
I see her story and all I can say is no, I don’t want to end up like that.
Yikes
That is a nightmare. I definitely dont want to raise another child. Mine are grown.
As you know, DH doesn't have
As you know, DH doesn't have the right to go kick the BF's ass because he put hands on his daughter, also - it's just more babying of her - she's making adult decisions now (poor ones) and will have to pay the consequences. Plus, she will choose her BF over her father if it comes to a court case, and DH could end up with an assault charge AND an estranged daughter.
Don't get attached to this baby, and as the others said, be wary about agreeing to take her. Not only will you deal with DSS for her whole life, you will deal with your SD's intrusions and attacks and failed reunifications for the next 20 years.
Call the police, not CPS.
Call the police, not CPS. Police can arrest the BF for domestic assault, CPS can't. Police can search the home and arrest SD for child endangerment due to drugs, CPS can't. Police will remove a baby from an unsafe environment far faster than CPS. Police will file their own complaint with CPS, that will have much more of an impact than your call.
Call the police every time you hear of/see him put his hands on her. Hopefully, in your state she doesn't need to cooperate in order for them to press charges. And hopefully with enough police/CPS involvement, that poor baby will be better off.
YES!! EXCELLENT ADVICE!
YES!! EXCELLENT ADVICE!
I agree, Call the Police
Next time she calls and states boyfriend hit her, call the police. Let the police take care of everything. They can move faster than CPS.
Yes, call the police when you
Yes, call the police when you hear that he has assaulted her. I’m fourty three now, but I ended up in foster care for a year due to an arguement gone wrong between my parents. They were very young (19), and social services gave me back to my mother when it was clear my father was well and truly out of the picture. Not all reunification’s fail between parents and children. Some people just end up with the wrong person
Thanks everyone
I dont see this getting better anytime soon. I will call cops next time I hear of it although it's usually hours after it happens. I've been keeping her at a distance and will continue to do so. I feel bad for DH....he's disappointed in her and scared abt what could happen to her.