Lies are starting
Until last weekend, I would have said that i was one of the fortunate people who have had a fairly good blending experience. I have gone ABOVE and BEYOND to help this woman be a part of her kids lives. We have primary custody of them. She was allowed supervised visits for about 6 months before she took off across the country. She finally returned closer to our home state about a year later and would fly or take a bus in to see them at least once per month.
I pick her up from the airport or bus station and take her to the hotel. If she needs to go grocery shopping, I take her. When she is short on cash and we are concerned the kids need more food while they are staying at a hotel, we will supply burger king or pizza or even make something and take it to them. We take her back to her bus/airport when its her day to leave. I send photos, facetime special events (school programs, muffins with mom, her birthday where we had cupcakes and blew out candles for her, ect). I help the children make her special gifts (which she left with me as she "didn't have room in her bag"). Anyway, I do whatever I can to make this about the kids.
Its a looooooong story, but we had some issues in the past where she tried to tell me stories that did not sound like my fiancee at all. We discussed with her that talking about the children is okay but nothing else. We have deviated away from that a little bit, but mostly stay on track with planning her trips and the details surrounding that.
For the first time after a weekend visit with mom, the kids have come home saying things that really bother me. "I'm going to tell the cops you hit me" "I am going to tell the cops you broke my leg" and the classic statement "I wish you would move away". They have NEVER EVER said anything remotely close to this or made me feel like they weren't happy to have me there. Especially the three youngest, want snuggles constantly, very loving and warm to me. I was shocked when one of them said these things.
Another long story is that I will be wife #3. I get along great with wife #1. She had all kinds of horror stories to tell me about #2. Including her coaxing the kids to say that they were abused with their father (long long story).
I will add she pays ZERO child support and is currently behind approximately $30,000. We don't harass her or threaten her. And she still wants to try and manipulate the kids. *sad*
I just needed to vent... thanks for reading.....
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This is what happens when you
This is what happens when you do favors for assholes. I would stop doing anything to help that woman poison... I mean visit those kids.
Exactly what role is #2 playing in the children's lives
other than parental alienator? No way would I faciliate her visitation. she can faciliate her OWN visitation on her OWN dime.
Offer an olive branch to a crazy GUBM and pull back a stub for a hand.
30K behind in CS? If she had a penis, she'd be in jail by now.
I agree with the other
I agree with the other posters!
Stop facilitating anything to do with the visitation. Stop doing all the extras. Stop everything other than having the kids available at the time of visitation like you are supposed to.
Also, it isn't a terrible idea to call the local sheriff/police office, give them a short backstory. If there is nothing major going on they will send patrol officer to your house. They will talk to the kids about lying, they will let them see the police car, give them a sticker, etc. BUT they will talk to them about the harm that can come from lying about hurting people/kids. They can do it in a way that isn't scary but still gets through to them.
Are her visits still supposed
Are her visits still supposed to be supervised?
I always enjoyed the Joy Berry books series for children
Had them for my bios and it was great. Tried them on the skids and they sniffed out that they were being taught something and automatically rejected it LOL!
https://www.thriftbooks.com/w/help-me-be-good-about-lying_joy-berry/3781...
What kind of visitation is
What kind of visitation is she allowed now?
No matter how you slice it, I would stop doing ANYTHING extra for her. No more pick ups and drop offs. No more food. No more pictures. Nothing. She wants to see her kids, she can make the WHOLE effort.
I would also have an attorney send her a cease and desist letter. Get it in writing that you all noticed the kids came back saying things and that she needs to be mindful of what she says around the children, or what she allows them to watch, etc. Put her on notice that you all know what she is doing AND you'll fight back heavy and hard if she keeps it up.
Do not let this go. Actions need to have consequences. Lay out the consequences: if she is going to be an arse, then she loses any and all perks.
Yes to all of this. I had to
Yes to all of this. I had to learn this the hard way with my ODS dad. When it wasnt made convenient for him and there wasnt any perks he disappeared again. I would bet she would too, and honestly in this situation it might be for the best. It's not on you or DH to make the other parent stay involved, if she really wants to for the kids she will.
Facilitating visits between
Facilitating visits between the kids and their bad mom (a/k/a facilitating trouble) needs to stop. Let her find her own way from the airport or the bus. Let her feed the kids on her own. Don't do anything for her and don't make anything easy for her.
Also, it's time to work on critical thinking skills with the kids. And when they come back from a visit with the alienator saying "I'm going to tell the cops you hit me," I would immediately ask the child why he would say such a thing, since you've never hit him. I'd come right out and ask if someone told him to say that, and let him know that it is wrong to lie. Don't let these things go unchallenged.
Dup
Dup
It sounds like you are a
It sounds like you are a caring, nice person and are really trying to help. Unfortunately, you are becoming a doormat in the process. BM probably can't believe her luck- not only does she have to put in almost no effort because you are there doing it all for her, giving her food and paying for things, but she gets to PAS skids at the same time!
Is this woman contributing anything positive to these kids, or is she just the one who spawned them and is now teaching them negative behavior? I believe kids need their parents, and while I think you should encourage visitations with her, I think you need to step back and let her handle it herself. You are just being taken advantage of at this point, and only hurting yourself. It's time for her to step up and parent on her own.
Thank you!!
Short version of a long story.... she had supervised visits because she took off across the country with the kids while they were separated. He found them and was given full custody. This is why we did the supervised visits when she was released from jail (also long story.)
SO does not follow the parenting plan. It is suppose to be one weekend a month Sat and Sun from 9am - 7pm. Of course, we are expected to supervise these visits. Since she has no home, no vehicle and not much money, we have allowed her to stay in a hotel with them.
I wonder if I could get the officer at my school to come and talk to them about this. I asked the child why he would say that and he didn't really say anything. He kind of laughed and said it would be funny to lie.
A woman who would take off
A woman who would take off across the country with the kids when she and your husband separated sounds like the type who would engage in PAS. Or run with the kids again, for that matter. Is the visitation still supposed to be supervised? If so, I'd make sure it's supervised. I'd also make sure it was in strict accordance with the parenting plan. If she doesn't play nice, the consequence is that she doesn't get extra time and she doesn't keep the kids overnight at the hotel. Whatever time you have to spend supervising the visits is time well spent, compared to having miserable lying kids who are taught to hate you and your husband.
First of all
Disengage from BM, No more airport or bus pickups, No Money for food. No more photos or FaceTime. Time to go to war with BM. Time to tell SK in a nice way, that BM is a evil. It suck for SK, but you can not deal with a back stabbed. You will follow the PA to the letter. If your SO goes against you, then what ever happen in the future is his fault.
BM has to much time on her hands, She not working ,so she has all this time to play games.
Better start following the
Better start following the court order. i have to wonder why DH wouldnt follow it considering bm was convicted of 1 possibly more charges.
The gig is up.
Good Luck and welcome to Step talk.