Parenting: Good Cop, Bad Cop
Who is the primary parent or stepparent in your home when it comes to the children?
In general, are women more likely to be the "bad cop" in raising children? Are mothers more likely to want discipline or structure or rules, while Dad can be the fun parent or "good cop"? Is this why there are more modern day fairy tales about "nasty stepmoms" than nasty stepdads? The more traditional role carries over into the step family? Or in step families do people parent their own children and the dad's are more lax?
(My husband is the primary parent of his son and SS is mainly a good child. DH could do better, but I have no real complaints over how he parents, mostly because his son is 6, DH is the only biological parent and a 6 year old can't cause so much trouble to make me want to rip my hair out. Being pregnant with our first child, I am wondering if this will change. I will certainly be more hands on with my own child although my husband already seems to be a bit of a "Dad-zilla", the Dad equivalent of "bride-zilla".)
How does it work in your home?
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My DH was the primary parent
My DH was the primary parent for his son, and I got to be the fun aunt-type person. Worked well for us.
I think in most homes, women are the primary parent still. When couples divorce, some men grow into the role of primary parent, and others find a woman who will take over for him. She becomes that "nasty stepmom" because she's left to deal with difficult kids who aren't hers. On the other hand, if a woman is the primary parent, when she gets remarried, the new stepdad can be the fun type parent figure, like I got to be. This not hard and fast, but most of the time.
Bio parents should be the primary parent for their child. In a case like yours with a young child and no BM, the stepmother might be able to help more than when there is another bio parent.
IMO.
Thank you for this. It makes
Thank you for this. It makes great sense.
I definitely have a secondary role to my DH who is the primary parent and it makes things easier, for me at least..
In our house DH is the
In our house DH is the primary parent & disciplinarian to SS’s. I will discipline if I need to, as I’m an adult in the home & DH expects the boys to listen to me, but I only do this where appropriate. DH very much calls the shots on decision making & expects a lot from his kids.
I’m not sure how it’ll play out when we have our child. It’ll be a different dynamic because we’ll have equal rights as parents, but I’ll expect DH to have the same standards of discipline for ours as he does with SS’s as it’s something we both value.
We don’t have traditional roles in our house, we both contribute equitably to the daily running of the house. I do more cooking & housework than he does because I work less, but he still contributes quite a bit & I never have to nag him about pitching in.
I expect our dynamic will be similar with our child. I’ll likely do more of the day to day because I’m home more so it makes sense for us, but I can’t see DH suddenly neglecting all responsibility in our home when the baby arrives.
Thank you for sharing this
Thank you for sharing this Monkeysee. We also have quite an equitable split of duties in the home and we are almost equal when it comes to salary.
I would hope that when our baby arrives we also do this on a more even keel as it is our child as opposed to his child. At the moment, SS is our only child - he is seen as a child we both raise - with DH having primary responsibility. I feel slightly lost in how things will be in a few months time. It feels like I am the parenting third wheel now. I don't want to feel that way with my own child.
You definitely won’t feel
You definitely won’t feel like a 3rd wheel with your own child. You’re growing that baby in your belly & it’ll be a totally different experience than with your SS!
I’ve told DH point blank on a couple things he does with the boys he won’t be doing with ours because I’ll actually have a say lol. We’ll see how it all pans out, but it’ll be a very different dynamic with our own kids than with skids.
I find with skids, even when we have authority from our spouses it’s just not the same. I’m very aware that I’m not my SS’s mum, wherein with mine I won’t have to think about that. You’ll be fine!
Oh, don't worry about ending
Oh, don't worry about ending up a third wheel with your child. I felt this way too while pregnant. A lot of hormonal changes happening. But the thing is, once you have that baby, an instant, incredible connection is created. I thought my husband would be leading the way a lot because he's been there, done that, but my connection with the baby I carried/birthed/breastfed was stronger than his experience. I just knew how to calm him, make him sleep, etc. and my husband was clueless and didn't get why the baby screamed with him but relaxed with me LOL and now that he's older, I still lead the way because him and I just kind of get each other!
It's really, really simple with your own child. Trust me, none of the typical "step" issues come up with your own, even if you think they will, they won't. That baby is yours and you know what to do. Your husband will probably lean on you a lot. Babies are born during the third trimester but they have a fourth trimester. Look into this. It's basically the gestation period wasn't up and that's why babe is so helpless and wants to be so close to mom. They only know YOU, their source of comfort for 9 months, so babe will be attached to you.
Both Dh and I typically want
Both Dh and I typically want structure. I like things to be in order, he's been backing me up. SD6 dumped out half my shampoo, he took care of it. I discipline, I'm more of primary parent right now since he has school. BUT, we've been balancing it pretty good.
He helps out around the house. Only thing we've really agreed on, is that he gets to mow the lawn, it's my LEAST favorite chore (That's what I did all growing up in my home... Not the worst, but it became a hassle since my dad liked it cut like twice a week...) IN exchange I do most of the dishes (he still helps out) because the dish soap makes him itchy. Other than that, household chores have been 50/50 as of late.
With my first husband and my
With my first husband and my second husband (now exH), I was more structured and more of a disciplinarian than either of the two.
My xH (second) was a complete Disney Daddy, who didn't parent out of guilt over his divorce. He had a very hands off, free range approach to raising kids that did not sit well with me and that was probably the primary reason for our divorce. I was the "bad cop".
With my first husband (father of my only child), he was more indulgent with our son. First husband liked structure and rules, but was far more likely to bend it with our son. Here again, I was the not so good cop... There are two incidents that stand out for me, that typifies what happened, even if my first husband died when my son was 4.
Picture it: My 3 or 4 year old toddler in tears, very unhappy, goes to Daddy for comfort.
Concerned Daddy to BS: What happened?
BS: Mommy said a swear word.
Shocked Daddy: What did Mommy say?
BS: She said "No"....
We didn't believe in physically punishing our son, so spanking him was out of the question. My husband and I were having a hypothetical discussion around what would happen if BS did something really bad.
My first husband: No I wouldn't spank him.
Me: I am glad
1st DH: I would leave that to you...
By my own experience, women are far more likely to be the hands on parent who are going to discipline the child. It creates problems when you live in a home with a child (step child) and you have no authority over that child or your opinion is not taken into account.
I do believe women tend to be
I do believe women tend to be more concerned with things like manners, respect, outward appearance (not wearing dirty clothes), hygiene, school grades, etc. I'm not sure why but in many families I've known, the woman tends to be the one who cares about these things most. Dads usually get more "leisure" or "fun" time with the kids - taking them to play outside, video games, etc. because mom is tired after handling all of the actual parenting. A lot of dads I know simply yell at their kids or ignore bad habits/things and move on - playing with them later on.
This is just in situations I've observed. DH, for example, I notice he doesn't REALLY get on SD about manners, respect, etc. unless I do. Then he notices and cares. He spends more time playing with her than he would ever spend helping her with homework. Idk. It's interesting, but I do think this is why stepmoms often appear as "evil stepmoms" - because we're the ones handling the actual hard side of parenting and not just playing around. And we don't have the biological bond/love to fall back on when skids aren't listening/learning the way we want them to, so we get annoyed.
NCP house here. DH was the
NCP house here. DH was the primary parent and the disciplinarian. I would let them get away with a little more than he did but would reign them in if they were going over the top. BM admitted in a meeting with the school counselor that she does not discipline at all and lets the kids run the show at her house. And that is why they don't want to come back to ours, well, along with the alienation.
I am most definitely the bad
I am most definitely the bad cop! DH is the fun dad / stepdad. HOWEVER, I do not actually discipline my SD16, but I bring her wrongdoings / bad grades / skipping class up to DH, in front of SD (more like I ask her why she _____ fill in the blank, and then DH takes over the conversation and discipline.