Need Suggestions on this tough one. PAS and lying Step child
DH has full custody of his two children. Ben 15 and Jen 12. Both kids are a hand full to say the least with multiple mental health issues(ADHD, mood disorders). Now add a crazy NASTY Exwife in the mix who is trying to get custody and turn the kids against DH. Now she will never get custody of Ben the older one as he thinks she is a "nut job" BUT Jen the younger one she seems to be manipulating her. Below are a few things that are going on....Opinions/suggestions please...
1. Jen12 needs meds( DR ordered) for her ADHD and mood disorders. BM has for years argued for with the dr's to get Jen off these meds and the Dr's have explained Jen needs these. DH supports whatever the DR's want and this pisses BM off that he won't back her. Jen12 knows her mom DOES NOT want her taking meds and we have caught Jen throwing them out at our house. We now watch her take the meds every time. Ben15 came home the other day from BM's house and said he overheard BM ask Jen if she was still throwing away her meds at dads house and Jen said yes. BM then said good. Again we know this is not true as we watch her so she is lying to BM to tell her what she wants to hear. Ben then paid attention and noticed BM DID NOT give Jen any other her meds all weekend. Later when BM was not around Ben looked in Jen's pill bottle and it was full when it should have been almost empty. DH ALWAYS asks if Jen took her meds at BM's house and Jen12 always says yes so she's been lying to DH. We asked her about what Ben told us and she said he was lying BUT got all defensive which is classic for her when she is caught in a lie. Plus there is no reason for Ben to lie about this.
2. BM has no rules no consequences shes the "fun parent". The Jen can stay up as late as she wants, sleep in as late as she wants watch whatever she wants play video games all day whatever. If Jen gets into trouble at school and does not want to talk about it oh well it gets dropped by BM and Daddy can deal with the punishment. BM does this on purpose.
3. Ben has come home and says BM will make digs at DH or me to Jen and looks for opportunities to drag Jen into making fun of either DH or I somehow.
4. Ben has told us When Jen is mad at us about something BM will try and encourage her to tell her all about it. Not in a positive way but in a way she could see if she could use it against us somehow like in court and she will record it on her phone.
Yes I know maybe all we can do is not lower ourselfs down to BM's level BUT 1. Is there anything we can do legally or otherwise? 2. If not if BM continues down this road trying to turn Jen against us as she gets older do kids usually see the truth what the toxic parent is doing or do they continue to buy the bullshit?
1. You can call CPS about her
1. You can call CPS about her not giving doctor ordered meds, especially if not taking them causes Jen to be a danger to herself or others. Have the doctor do it if he/she agrees.
2. DH can talk to Jen about Mom's behaviors (not in a bashing way) and tell her that he understands she might feel some pressure to take her mother's side and that it's OK to love both sides of her family. Keep at that kind of talk with Jen for a while.
3. There is a myth that kids hit a certain age and then they can decide where they want to live, but that's not true. BM might think it is true and be angling for Jen to say she wants to live with her. She clearly is trying to alienate Jen and might be having some success.
4. Some kids figure out alienating behaviors (like Ben) when they are young, others when they are older, some not until they are in their 20s. Jen needs a therapist, and one who will see through Mom.
Items 2-4 are par for the
Items 2-4 are par for the course with a BM like you are dealing with.
The med situation is dangerous. Mood stabilizers need to be taken daily. I know you stated that her doctor prescribed them, but would that doctor be willing to write a statement about their necessity? Possibly go to court with you if needed?
Your DH needs to file a change in circumstances with the court to stop overnight visits. She can have them 8am-8pm on the current days she has them, but SD must be returned home to ensure she is taking her medication so that she is not a danger to herself or others.
My DH got BM of my older SS reduced to supervised visits partially based on something similar. SS has autism, bipolar disorder, general anxiety disorder, ADHD... BM didn't want him to medicate. BM is bipolar as well... anyway the judge realized how important those meds are for SS and made sure that it would not be an issue.
Yes we already have it in writing and a court order BM NEEDS to
give the meds as directed from the DR. The problem as its ALWAYS been is proving BM is screwing around with the meds and not giving them. BM has lied right in court saying she gives Jen the meds which we know is not true and Jen will back her mom so what can we do?
What kind off meds are they?
What kind off meds are they? Can you test blood to check for them?
Would SS testify that they are lying?
I know that many meds can be
I know that many meds can be detected in the blood for "levels".. I think asking the Doctor if it could be proven that her levels dip after visits to mom might be good amunition.
Jen takes meds for her ADHD and Abilify
For her mood Disorder. As far as doing blood work I’m not sure if it would show anything based on how the visitation Schedule is. Meaning Jen is never with BM more than two nights in a row so she would never miss more than two Doses of her medicine in a row. Not sure if she would need to miss more for it to show up on blood work. Would SS Testify or even tell the DR what he told us. Maybe BUT without proof I don’t know if it will go anywhere
keep a book record how many pills she left home with
how many she came back with and picture evidence but this needs to be done covertly so she doesn’t know you are checking it otherwise she’d throw them away. This is the first step of calling and proving bio mums bluff in court
You can't really argue with
You can't really argue with time stamped pictures. I would make sure that SD isn't aware of those pictures so that she doesn't just trash them at BM's. She is kind of slow when it comes to that right now...
When we fill the Prescription every
Month we count Exactly how many pills BM will need for her house and send them over when BM drops her off to our house. There is no pill bottle going back and forth as BM picks Jen up from school and the kids can’t have Medicine on them plus Jen is a airhead and would lose it on the bus or walking home.
#2 this is our exact issue.
#2 this is our exact issue. So now SD14 refuses to come to our home. Because ALL things go at her mothers house. She skipped school, got kicked out of school a handful of times, told off teachers, got in fights, vaped, drank, got high and NOTHING happens at BM's and then she spent half the last year grounded in our home. She too needs medication and BM has been fighting this. She was accepted into a theraputic school and mom is trying to fight this. So at the end of the day mom is the FUN parent and DH has to disapline so now SD refuses to be in our home.
Disengage from all of this.
There nothing you can do with a crazy BM. She will win, who know what, in the end. Have very little to go with these kids. Because you have to understand there nothing you can do,