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I just can't

TrueNorth77's picture

I want to strangle my SO right now.

SS12 has gotten busted many times before for staying up past his bedtime on his phone. The first few times he was told to go to bed and got yelled at a bit for it (by me, since I was the one with him while my SO works). Eventually, my SO put parental controls on the WiFi, so now SS's PS4 turns off at 9:30pm and his phone wifi turns off at 10pm. He's gotten busted turning his data on and staying up past 10 using data, which causes us to almost go over our data plan, and my SO has yelled at him for that.

Once, last summer, I caused us to go over our data because the wifi in my office was spotty. You would have thought I just kicked a skid. My SO was sooo mad, yelled at me like a child several times. I finally snapped and told him I'm not a child, it's not ok to yell at me like one for this, and I'd had enough of getting yelled at.

So, when we were on vacay the other week, we got a notification that our data was almost used up, which was weird because I'm always on wifi. My SO said he is too. I said that perhaps it was SS staying up late again, and also said that he hasn't been getting up to his alarm for school lately. He said he would look when we get home, and if it was SS, he was going to turn off SS's wifi 1/2 an hour earlier.

Well this morning SS doesn't get up again. I'm done waking this kid up- not my problem. My SO can wake him up when he gets home and then SS can race to get ready in 5 mins for all I care. So I go about my morning and SD decided to wake up SS. I ask why he didn't wake up and he says he had his alarm set but it didn't go off. I tell him to let me look at his phone so I can check his alarm, and I also look at his data. It says he used 25GB, which is more than my SO's or my phone. (Apparently this isn't really an accurate number, but still). As I'm getting in my car my SO gets home and I just kind of let him have it, saying that SS sure is using data and staying up after 10pm, and that it's bullsh*t that he got soo mad at me for going over our data and yelled at me like a child, but doesn't seem to care enough to follow-through on checking his actual child's phone to see if he's using data and staying up. I left and we ended up messaging (I did apologize for snapping, but now he's mad at me for snapping, because of course), and he tells me that SS admitted to staying up using data and SS knows it's his "last chance", and he will punish as he sees fit, blah blah blah. So basically, no punishment. After getting busted multiple times. Seriously???? Punish your freaking kid!! I replied, SS knows there is no follow-through on punishment, of course he will do this again!!

Skids are good kids, but I have legit never seen him punish them except to send SD to her room like once and to not let SS play video games for a few hours. He never follows through with punishment threats. Time passes, so when it happens again, it's always "another chance". It's such a disconnect between the way my SO is (he will let skids have it if they make him mad, he's not afraid to yell) and then this Disney "no punishment" dad. He's all bark and no bite. How do I let this not bother me??

Comments

ESMOD's picture

Since the boy has shown that he cannot exercise the self control to stay off his phone at night.. he loses access to the phone at night.  The phone is turned off and you put it in your room.. where he can't get it.

He needs an alarm to wake up?  you can buy cheap alarms at walmart.  wind up or electric.

Having a cell phone at home is a privilege not a right.  He doesn't use it responsibly.. he loses free access to it.

TrueNorth77's picture

I completely agree! He will never agree to that. Even after he told me he was going to turn his wifi off 30 mins early, he backed off that and gave him no punishment. It's really frustrating. It will not kill a child to see consequences and heaven forbid if SS doesn't have wifi for 30 mins!

lieutenant_dad's picture

I'd get separate cell phone plans. Let SO figure out how to pay for the overages on his own.

We have unlimited data because I don't trust OSS to not go over (or myself, for that matter). If that is an option, get it and have SO pay the difference. Then, SS staying up no longer impacts you and you can disengage from it. If he's late to school, then SO will finally have to deal with it.

You checking the phone and yelling at SO about it just prolongs the issue. Remove yourself from the equation and let the chips fall where they may.

This is what I have done with DH in regards to internet and screen time. I don't think the boys should have endless time on the internet, but DH doesn't see the problem. So I checked out of that fight. All I say to DH is that they better be up and ready if we have things to do with no whining about being tired, and they don't male noise at night. So far, that has been obeyed.

TrueNorth77's picture

My SO actually pays the phone bill (including mine)...so I realize I don't have a dog in this fight in regards to the overage charges. What does bother me is that I got yelled at so much for it and SS is getting off "scott-free" as it were, which is not ok. I should not be yelled at like a child when even the child isn't getting yelled at for the same thing. Also, I admit that part of it is the fact that SS just keeps getting away with staying up past his bedtime and using data. For the most part this doesn't affect me, now that I've decided I won't be the one waking SS up when he oversleeps...however, I do occasionally take skids to school when my SO works late, which is happening on Thursday. So if he oversleeps, I will need to wake him up, and that is what I'm trying to avoid. I would like to get this nailed down before then so I don't snap on SS. I have a tough time waking him up when I know it's because he's staying up past his bedtime and not hearing his alarm.

Of course, now that my SO talked to him about it and SS realizes it's his "last chance", I'm sure this will no longer be an issue.... Ok

tog redux's picture

I would say to SO that he better not ever dream of yelling at me again if I go over data, since he's enabling his son to do it ON PURPOSE, and you did it by accident.

Then drop it unless he does yell at you again.

Take the dang phone at night,  that's standard good parenting nowadays.

lieutenant_dad's picture

So tell SS if he isn't up, then he gets an unexcused absence at school. Tell SO the same thing. If he won't make sure SS is getting enough sleep, then the most you will do is bang on SS's door as a 10 minute warning. If he isn't up, then DH can take him to school when he gets home from work, even if he is late.

Not. Your. Problem. Also, get OFF SO's phone plan. Get your own. When he squabbles, tell him that you aren't giving him another opportunity to yell at you like a child. He spent his chance to treat you crappy, and if it happens again, you walk.

TrueNorth77's picture

I'm doing exactly this. If SS can't get it together to be ready for school because he stayed up too late breaking rules, my SO and him can figure out what to do. And yes, if my SO is enabling him, even more reason why he can deal with it.

Siemprematahari's picture

Why is his phone not taken away? He's been told several times about the over use of data and he continues to abuse it. Its obvious he doesn't know how to follow instructions. He has to be punished and it has to follow through so he knows that you both are serious. He's taking this as a joke because there are no actions and consequences behind it.

If your SO wants to continue to enable this I'd wash my hands of it and disengage. Let your SS wake up late to school, be tired and your SO to pay the extra money for the data.

TrueNorth77's picture

Totally agree!! WHY wouldn't his phone be taken away, and why is he getting away with it repeatedly with no punishment?? He's not teaching them there are consequences for their actions at all.

I think disengaging from it may be my only choice. It's that or drive myself insane getting mad about it. 

Siemprematahari's picture

If SO is paying the bill I'd let it go for sure. Let the bill get so astronomically big that he actually flips out. That would be fun to watch! So let him keep allowing SS to go over the data and stay out of it.....this can get interesting Biggrin

iamlosingit's picture

DH and I used to share a plan and we would run into data issues because SS would play games on DH phone when camping, errand running, on the drive back to BM, etc.  We finally separated our phone plans and DH went with a different provider.  Since taking over his own bill, there have been several times where he has forgotten to pay it when it was due and didn't know until they shut his phone off.  It's nice having one less thing to stress out about, and if SS uses all his data I am not in charge of the bill

Chmmy's picture

You can turn off data to his phone completely. I know thats more of a consequence than any skid would ever get

TrueNorth77's picture

I wasn't sure if you could do that so I just looked into it. This should happen while he's at our house. My SO lets him turn it on at Crazy's so he can text him, so we would just have to remember to turn it on before he left....

Chmmy's picture

I dont think you need data to text. My little skids have calling and texting and they have to be on wifi to get internet.

I have sprint for me, my mom, 2 bio sons, my brother and my dads tablet so 5 phones and a tablet. Since we use wifi when possible we use about 2Gs out of 20 allowed. I added SD when she was 17. She used the other 18Gs...literally. I was tired of getting the you have used 90% of your data with 10-15 days left in the cycle and I have to tell my mom to watch her data use. So when we started getting close I would turn off the data til the new cycle and every month she would call me. Is it a new month, did you turn on the data? She got sick of it so when she turned 18 she chose to pay over $100 to get the latest iPhone and her own service instead of waiting a short time to upgrade and get her phone paid for. I had to buy her out of the contract, return her phone and NEVER AGAIN.

PS SD now 19 is still my favorite skid!! Pain in my ass but my favorite

Ispofacto's picture

I had to disengage from SD because she is an obnoixious twat and DH never disciplined her.  And I told DH exactly why.

Now every time her reprimands me for something stupid, I say, "Wow, you're really good at correcting ME.  Lol!"

Shuts him the eff up every time, instantly, and he does it far less often.

 

Wilhelm's picture

Not your child, not your problem walk blissfully away and leave DH to deal with it.

thinkthrice's picture

log into the account and throttle SS's data but you know he won't

Ispofacto's picture

Some companies are now offering to add a hard stop to your account, if you reach your data limit, no more data.

 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

You've gotten plenty of good advice on the phone issue. I'd just like to add that learning about Karpman's Drama Triangle might give you insight and help your approach to skid problems. Google it, please.

Other posters have mentioned Triangulation, and it's huge in steplife. Heck, I've successfully applied my knowledge of it in other areas of my life. It's aaalll about positioning yourself in the best possible way to achieve a particular goal.

When you blew up at your DH, you positioned yourself as the Persecutor, the bad guy and mean ole SM. You lost the battle right there. It totally feels good to air your frustration, but accomplishes nothing. Always try to position yourself sympathetically; you're trying hard to ensure skidly gets enough rest, you want him to do well in school, etc. Make your DH want to rescue you instead of the skid.

I'm not suggesting that you forego disengaging, just incorporate an understanding of the Triangle in your approach to stepping.

TrueNorth77's picture

Interesting... I assume my SO and I will talk about this again, and I really don't want it to be a fight. I'm going to think about it and see if adding this in may help. Thanks for the info!