I think that the mentality comes out of exaspiration of it all.  As long as the bills are payed and stepmom doesn't see any of her money going to the skids, that's the best they think they can get.  Selling themselves short.  Parents should never sacrifice their retirement for kids.  I don't think it really sinks in unti they find out that retirement is impossible at the age they choose or never achievable becasue all the money went out the door to spoiled offspring who will not take care of generous parent.  

Its still not hurting with the money still coming in.  Living in the moment ruins retirement.  I read a book a few years back talking about how the upper class put so much into their kids because they expect the kids to match the parents success and if they don't then they failed as parents.   Is an attitude like this at fault?  I don't know but most times a  hard working person, well educated and well paid in their profession didn't get that way by being coddled.  They get confused though, thinking that they don't want their kids to have to work so hard so they make life easier than they had it.  Forgeting or not knowing that the suffering was key to making them ambitious.  

A child focused life might be fine for toddlers but is not a sustainable lifestyle for adults with grown children.  Its a shame our society has extened adolence.  

 I see it more as if the man has an expensive hobby and as long as the bills are covered, he can spend on his hobby. The wife might think his hobby is stupid, but if it's his spending money, why should she stop him from spending it?

I don't have a say over what my DH spends his money on, nor does he with mine. I don't think it's fair for one person to decide how money should be spent, in either direction.  If he has the money to spend on his kids, why should the wife be able to say no to that, if it doesn't affect the household, just because she thinks it's wrong?

Now, if it affects them being able to pay their bills, save for retirement etc, then I think she has a right to be upset.

you. I am very interested in reading the thread on this blog.

Interesting question - I don't want to monitor DH's spending.  He is a grown man.  However, he does run larger purchases by me and I him.  If he decides to do something "big" only for himself, that may cause me to have more work or less time (such as going on a boys vacation and I'm home taking care of things and SD12 - which is ok if I confirm it's ok) then he needs to compensate me somehow, like paying for extra groceries or an extra housecleaning.  But this is a rare occurance.

My ex-H was terrible about this.  We also had split expenses but he was somehow (nefariously I suspect) rolling in cash and buying things left and right for himself, going off on weekends away with his buddies without me (last minute trips I couldn't take because of work), and then he'd get mad if I went and bought myself a nice necklace or pretty wine glasses.  And he refused to discuss it. 

I think also people tend not to talk about finanances.  DH has had to learn this from me, I will not ignore ignorance and finances.  Balance your books at least monthly, know what your needed basic expenses are, do not over-draw (if you know your income/output you shouldn't), meet your financial requirements and then play a little after putting $ away (at least a good meal out once a month) and TALK about upcoming wants then great!

I think part of it is because second or third marriages tend to be  more unbalanced than couples starting out in their 20s.

People come into it with different financial burdens.
Some come in with 2 or 3 kids, where there partner has none; some come in with huge debt and their partner has assets; in some marriages all of sudden existing relationships need to change because second wife or husband want to re-write history by excluding former kids, in some  an "ours" kid grows up with less or more than their siblings based on the financial position of the couple and someone with other kids wants to create some equity, etc.
There are too many variables in subsequent marriages to make blanket statements around how couples manage their money.

Here on ST, often there is an unfairness in the way some people are treated by the person who holds the purse strings, in others you have the "poorer" person making unnecessary demands on the greater income earner in order to finance a lifestyle they are not entitled too.

To me, too little discussion goes into finances with most couples.
Not just here, it is everywhere.
People are not honest about their financials, or some people live in a fantasy land where they think there spouse will change how irresponsible they are through the mere act of marriage.
Added to that, life is so damn hard and money can be tight - it burns some people when money is spent for stupid purposes to the detriment of the household.
I have seen some monumentally stupid clangers here where people make absurd financial decisions.
Sometimes the spouse is not even consulted on those massive financial decisions.
Plus, people spend, spend,spend  because they won't ever get old and need to retire.
There is too little financial literacy in general.

To me, it is important that couples agree on how they want to split their joint expenses.
In a way that is fair in terms of their incomes and how much they load the household with expenses.
What works for me in the same situation, may not be agreeable to you, but the onus is on the couple to agree on what works for them.
It doesn't matter if the incomes equal or very lopsided, couples need to work out what works for them.
If and when the basics are paid for and taken care of, then the couple can agree on how they wish to spend, or divide the extra disposable income if they have it.
Part of the problem here is that some people don't even take care of the basics -  or cannot.
Financial stress is a real worry...

All that said, I do not agree that being married  to someone "for richer" or "poorer" gives them automatic right, say or access to the money or lack there of, of their spouse.
It is something that can be negotiated between the couple - and I see nothing wrong with a spouse refusing to contribute more than their fair share of joint expenses or agreed upon expenses or costs..
Especially when it comes to women.
Women want equality, they want to be treated as equals, which means they pay their fair share of equal share of bills.
They are also equally entitled to control of their own money.
Chivalry is only alive when it is predominantly the higher income earner who need to cough up and pay.
This doesn't wash with me.

I advocate for people being able to spend their disposable income how they see fit. However, I view "disposable" after all the essential and shared expenses are covered. This includes things like retirement, savings for trips/big ticket items/emergency fund, date nights, gifts for upcoming events, planning for baby, etc. Not just bills - the WHOLE financial enchilada.

If, after ALL of that, you still have money to spend, then spend it as you so choose. If I want a boob job and I have met all my individual and familial financial obligations, I don't want someone telling me I can't spend my unobligated money on a want.

I know I don't explain this well. When I tell someone not to worry about whete extra money is being spent, I really do mean the extra after everything. Couples should most certainly discuss finances, and they should most certainly set financial goals. The real problem is probably that people don't talk about money enough and have really mismatched goals that never get effectively communicated.

Ultimately, even as couples, we are all individuals and should still have some freedom as an individual. I think people see money leave their house and think "oh, that COULD have been spent elsewhere". Well, yeah. That's every resource. But being a couple doesn't mean that you get to monopolize EVERY resource of your partner. You don't get to take up all their time, so why would you get to dictate all of their money? Some of it HAS to come with personal freedom, even if it's just a carton of cigarettes a week. Even as a couple, you'll still have individual wants and needs that should be met, and there should be some resources set aside for that.

Every person deserves their own resources set aside for them to be selfish with. Those resources - those precious, unallocated resources - are yours to do with as you please, and just as no one should tell you want to do with them, you shouldn't be able to tell others what to do with theirs.

after the years and years and years of impoverishment of Chef due to him being stupid about his divorce and his guilty daddy spending; the years I sacrificed for the sake of the skids so that his account wouldn't overdraw (for a while I stopped getting manicures etc.  to this day I still cut and colour my own hair)  I figure I have it coming.  My income pays all of the household bills.  What he makes at his business is now covering my gym membership fee, perfume, cat products for the pets, you name it. 

The Girhippo bled him dry and is still doing so after 15 years of being with me.  I'm going to get something out of it!  I remember the day he moved in with me and said out loud the other day "a day that will live in infamy."  Frankly I don't care because of all the HELL he put me through being disney dad and treating ME like the enemy for so.many.years.  /rant off.

I see where all of this is coming from. I don’t think the second wife needs to go as a secondary priority to first marriage children In fact I had to work on my feelings to accept that there’s some resource will be going out of my household. And I know who I was marrying. I know for 100% my husband won’t spend rediculous amounts of money for his children, I know he is not going to be a Disney dad. I know I can trust him to spend HIS money the way he sees fit. People don’t start being reckless with money out of the sudden. I was the one who actually used “grown-ass man” term the other post lol and my point is it’s not a problem it’s just who the person is. If you don’t feel and don’t see that your partner puts you first don’t marry him he won’t probably change. So yes the wife is always a priority and I don’t need to be up my husbands ass to make sure he will put money away for our retirement or spend his free time with me. He chooses to and I was looking for that in a person to marry. I made sure I looked at all the aspects before giving that vow.

And of course you always have an opinion of how your husband spends money. And if he “spends $4000 on hookers” it doesn’t matter if it’s his money what matters is your husband is a pig so why stay with such person? I think it’s silly to try to change someone. If you see that he doesn’t care about you or your children and just supports his old family why stay? Why try to convince him you matter more? He makes his choices everyday and if they are not in your favor...what are we even talking about.

Gets some money to do with as we please.  My DH may think I look gorgeous and sees no need for professional hair coloring or mani and pedis.   But guess what, we each are allocated some money to spend.  I do think that total honesty and transparency is important, along with saving for retirement.  But as long as both do that, there is room for individual choices.  If my DH wants to restore old cars, even if he makes not much money on it, that is OK.  None of these choices, or paying for college, is like spending on drugs or hookers. 

Wow TwoOfUs this is a good thread. Brought out a lot of opinions and viewpoints. All I have to add is you got it right!

of that many households where money going out does not effect the hold household.  You can play mind games but five thousand going out means something in your household doesn’t not get done.  Stepparents came to understand that certain money’s have to go out each month.  But we did not sign up for all the exters 

I think that the scenerio of the dad spending money on parasitic adult skids, taking them on fancy trips, $20,000 table settings and whatever else is wished for, but there is no money spent on the stepmom or the relationship is a really good example of what TwoOfUs is getting at.  The stepmom is relegated to the bottom of the priority list in the eyes of the husband.  Then she's told as long as the bills are paid you shouldn't complain.   Then there are those situations where stepmom pays for the fun couple stuff just so they can have fun but still get shafted with forgotten birthdays, anniversaries and other milestones.  God forbid the skids get shafted on one of their milestones.  

Now if  daddy had enough money and spreads it around evenly and the stepmom was getting recognized at least equally as the parasitic skids, there might not be so much angst over the spending.  She wouldn't feel at the bottom of the heap.  

Let's face it, the choices you make on where to put your energy and money reflect love in action.