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What is wrong with me?

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 2:41pm

SD stayed over again last night and DH is going to turn her phone back on. I told him that he needs to talk to her about sharing private family matters on the internet but I doubt he will. She has been using a texting app on the phone anyway and it will obviously get internet with wifi. 

SD told him last night that "BM feels bad texting him first all the time" when we told her she can join us at our friend's house New Year's Day for a cookout/ get together. But for some reason last night I felt bad for SD. If it's simple, her counselor just reported the phone throwing to CPS and the rest is hearsay. The officer told DH he didn't see a threat in our home and apparently DH first threw SD's phone at the wall then down the hallway but all I heard was the phone sliding down the hall.

Either way, I think SD just wants things to go back to normal and I know DH does, too. She has been on her best behavior of course and I know she is a good kid despite my posts here. Our relationship was decent before all of this happened (as in my relationship with SD). As a mother, I want the best for her even if I don't always "love" her being around. I know DH loves her and I just have to accept that. I just want "normal" for once but what does normal even mean? I don't know if this is my hormones or what..

Comments

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 2:52pm

This isn't just your hormones.  This is your normal.  Ever since you started posting here, you have  gone from one extreme to the other in a matter of weeks in regards to SD.  

Your husband knows this.  That is why he never acts on the promises he makes to you.  He has learned that all he has to do is say what you want to hear,  sit tight and wait for  the pendulum to swing  back in the other direction.

While drunk and angry your husband threw the phone twice.  BM was absolutely right to be concerned about your husband drinking.

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:03pm

Yet she and her boyfriend can sell weed out of their home with 3 kids and that's totally ok. Eyeroll. I'd rather DH didn't have a kid from a previous relationship (if you can call it that) but it's just my reality and I want him to be there for our daughter. Our relationship has been really good lately besides this investigation stressing me out.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:12pm

Not a single person has said it is totally okay for BM to sell weed out of her home.

It IS possible for both BM and DH to be in the wrong.

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 6:11pm

"Yet she and her boyfriend can sell weed out of their home with 3 kids and that's totally ok. Eyeroll"

And yet you are  making the choice not to report it.

Your husband knowns about the weed and hasn't done anything about it.   The only time it is really an issue is when he (or you) want to use it as retaliation when BM gived him hell for something he  has done. 

You toss out the weed issue but neither one of you have taken steps to protect SD from the environment.

  I will let you in on a little secret.  Distributing weed out of your home is a form of neglect.  BM and her BF can have their kids pulled from their home for that.  BUT you AND your husband can get into trouble as well.  You both know about this and both have made the choice to remain silent.

Every single person in a school is a mandated reporter(from the principal to the janitors). If the same holds true for the medical field, then you have an obligation to report.  If BM and her BF ever get busted and it's discovered that you SUSPECTED something and didn't make a call, you could lose everything.( career, license, custody....)

 

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:37pm

It's kind of hard to report BM for selling weed out the backdoor when OP's DH was one of the 'clients'. 

And then there was the back-to-school breakfast between BM, Dad and daughter. Yeah, the one where Dad was getting drugs for his buddy. Yes, it's been a while ago and hopefully OP's Dh has knocked it off for OP and the new baby.... but there are reasons Dad hasn't ratted BM out. 

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:51pm

Well damn!

No wonder they are turning a blind eye to all of this.  OP, you better hope your husband never goes after BM in court.  If she goes down, your husband (and maybe you as well) will go down with her.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 4:20pm

I think it was someone else who divorced her DH after she found out he and BM were supplying drugs for themselves and others. I might be wrong of course. 

I remember OP said that BM (and OP herself) used to be wild in young age but got clean some time ago while DH never really cleaned his act. I can’t keep up with the stories.

I think BM selling drugs might be just a suspicion. How does one even know unless they are customers themselves. 

 

 

twoviewpoints's picture

Submitted by twoviewpoints on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 4:38pm

The OP is free to correct my statement if I recalled incorrectly. 

But yes, the OP, herself, stopped with the weed and wrote about having done so. Good for her. She keeps growing and maturing while the other two just stay where they've been for years. The start of the difference for OP was when she decided to go to school.  For the OP, it was the best thing in the world for her. 

I truly wish she'd gather the strength to keep on moving forward...  my hope is nothing but best wishes for the OP. She deserves better than what she once settled for. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 10:52pm

Got it. I was previously yelled at by other posters that I brought up OP’s previous account. So I am just being cautious  here re previous account details 

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:30pm

You mentioned BM selling weed before. Yes it’s very bad but two wrongs don’t make it right. Just because BM is bad, it doesn’t mean your DH should be just as bad or worse. BM isn’t posting here. If she posted here about her drug habits, we would tell her it’s wrong. You are posting here though and we can tell you what’s going in your home is wrong and is not healthy environment for raising children. 

if you wish your DH had no kids, then why marry someone with a kid? Makes no sense 

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:03pm

make like it didn’t happen ??? BUT it did happen, CPS has your address and phone number !!  You are setting your self up.  She can do what she wants, say what she wants, so what she wants. And all is forgiven with out any punishment.  Think about what next she is going to do to you and DH 

I love dogs's picture

Submitted by I love dogs on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:04pm

DH isn't going to stop having her over no matter what I say so what am I supposed to do? I just want peace in my home but I really don't like these arrangements.

lieutenant_dad's picture

Submitted by lieutenant_dad on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:17pm

You were supposed to not get pregnant. You were supposed to not marry him (since that apparently happened really recently). You were supposed to leave.

But you don't actually want peace in your home. You want life to work out the way you want it to. Well, sorry hon. That isn't going to happen. Your DH isn't magically going to get any better. BM isn't magically going to want to co-parent. SD isn't magically be the kid you want her to be.

Stop living in a fantasy. Stop relying on your DH to make things better, because he won't. This IS your life until you step away. There is no other path; you have exhausted them all.

You're about to be a mother. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for the mistakes you have made in bringing your daughter into this mess and fixing them for her.

Livingoutloud's picture

Submitted by Livingoutloud on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:33pm

What did SD do though? She told her therapist that dad threw the phone and had been drinking. It’s not a lie. Apparently he threw the phone twice. That’s a lot of rage. You expect SD to not tell it to therapist? We don’t kniw what’s going on there. First he threw the phone once, then twice. How do we know what’s really going on 

tog redux's picture

Submitted by tog redux on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 3:35pm

So - find a way to make peace with all of this. Be civil and pleasant to SD, but don't parent her.  Tell DH to deal with BM as he sees fit but to stop complaining to you about it.  Focus on yourself, your new baby, and being the best parent you can be.  Let DH handle SD.

advice.only2's picture

Submitted by advice.only2 on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 7:25pm

Dumb question is this the OP whose DH had a drinking/drug problem and got a DUI and he owned his own auto shop?  

Disneyfan's picture

Submitted by Disneyfan on Sat, 12/29/2018 - 7:31pm

Yes

bearcub25's picture

Submitted by bearcub25 on Mon, 12/31/2018 - 6:22am

You deflect to talking about BM and selling weed when your DH's drinking is brought up.  That is what an enabler does.

Personally, I feel that weed is much safer than alcohol.  I've lived with an alcoholic and drank a lot in my youth, and I smoke weed at the present time.  Its legal where I live, I have never wrecked, puked on myself, neglected my kids on weed.  The last time I drank I passed out for 12 hours with a baby in the house and do not remember who took care of her.  That was 26 years ago.

The alcohol will cost you many things in your life, take responsibility for what is happening in your home.  Even if you leave your DH, your baby could be the next SD.