Not 100 percent sure on SIL
SD10 came over yesterday and dropped a bit of info. She and BM went to DH's sister's house. I'm not sure the nature of the visit but its not the first time that I've heard they had an actual relationship outside of DH. It is the first time I have heard of it happening since the CPS call tho, so i got to thinking:
DH told MIL about the CPS visit. Mil was devastated and said she wanted what was best for all the children. I understand they are all her grand kids but ALL the children aren't being threatened, mine are. SD10 is safe so the problem is BM's actions.
MIL and SIL are super tight so unless this is the one thing MIL didn't tell SIL, SIL is still "entertaining the enemy" knowing what has happened. And that's a major problem for me. In the beginning, SIL was so pro "everyone needs to get along" that she would inject her opinions on different subjects but always on the side of DH (and me) doing whatever BM wanted. Like when I discovered that BM was bat sh!t crazy I changed my number and wouldn't give it to her. SIL to the rescue talked about how I should just give her the number so BM could contact me. BM was really going through something by not having my number. I said no because that's not what she has been using my number for so far and I didn't want to be involved.
SIL was also one of the main people "reminding" DH of how such a good mom BM was all these years and now he wants to take SD away when all he wanted was joint custody but BM had told everyone in his family he wanted to take her forever and even had his step mom ready to pay for a lawyer against him.
Christmas with his family is going to he interesting this year for sure. I know what I have to say to them is going to cause problems but my kids are not going to suffer from being second class anything to anyone. The easy thing to do would be to not say anything but this really needs to be addressed. CPS is not a laughing matter and for me her double dealing is a straight cut off. I know I'm in the middle of this and I might not be seeing clearly so I'm asking for different perspectives. Are there any?
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The only other perspecrive
The only other perspecrive would be to just not go to Christmas. If they are going to entertain the enemy, then do to them what you do to BM - block them. Protect your kids from anyone who would try to make their lives difficult, including their blood family.
I will never understand ILs who are willing to railroad their own kids in order to see their grands. I get that it sucks to only be able to see them sometimes, especially if you are the NCP's family, but FFS, don't you think your kid/sibling/nephew/niece is dying on the inside, too, for not being able to see them? Or by having lies spread about them?
My MIL hasn't realized yet that the only reason she has a relationship with DH anymore is because of me, and she's wearing on my nerves. She's very close to getting what she wants - unfettered access to the SSs - through BM at the expense of her son.
So, set hard boundaries now. If they are going to think it's okay for SD and BM to lie and put you at risk of losing your kids over a lie, then keep them away, throw up some nanny cams at home, tell them they can host DH's supervised visits (because hey, you're not about to let anyone in your home), and be done with it.
I'm close to doing just that.
I'm close to doing just that. Christmas is going to be my last stand. I really just dont know where they stand on what has just happened because this would be a clear cut indicator of BM's intent that I know all the ins and outs of. Everything else was something that happened before me so I could only make my own judgements based off of the part that I could see. I don't want to have to hold them accountable to knowing that DH has more than just 1 kid but I am in that position. Because they are DH's relatives and relatives to my children I want them to at least know why they are being cut off (if it comes to that) and leave no confusion about it. I've never had a contentious relationship with them and would like that door open for my children later in life. They are just toxic for now. Thanks for the insight.
If you are going to confront
If you are going to confront them, IMO, you need to do it this afternoon (in person would be best, but at least phone).
Don't show up at someone else's home and supposedly happy holiday celebration (especially if including meal and gifts) only to confront and dismiss. A houseful of guest , including children is not the time nor place.
Take care of your necessary business today. Say whatever it is you feel you must say and do it prior to what had been planned to be your arrival on Christmas.
A holiday gathering is
A holiday gathering is neither the time not the place for an OK Corral showdown. Please cool off.
If your in-laws are acting as winged monkeys for BM, then you need to talk with your H about it. They are HIS people, and he should be the one to deal with them.
Go Low Contact, put them on a strict information diet, and only speak of trivial things. Let calls go to vm, and treat them as you would a coworker - polite and superficial. Just gradually fade out of their sphere. If you make it happen gradually, you avoid the drama, accusations, and recriminations. h