I am so sorry for your and your DH's loss.

Your DH obviously has thoughtless, insensitve jerks in his family. They are Toxic People. The only thing you can do with Toxic People is cut them out of your life.

This is my worst nightmare!  I am so so sorry this all happened.  These sickos really know when to strike to hurt the most.   

(((((hugs)))))

How awful. I'm so sorry you and your DH had to go through this. Please cut these people who don't wish you well out of your life, and be kind to each other as you grieve.

There's a lesson to be learned here, STalkers. When planning a funeral and dysfunction exists, be sure to arrange for security. Funeral directors have seen it all, and can be a big help. Or if you have some big burly friends who can handle themselves, position them at entrances with instructions to throw the trash out.

We had to do this when my DH's son died (his son with BM1.) Crazy BM2 said she was coming to the funeral despite being told to stay away. DH's brother officers were watching the doors, ready to escort her off the property.

Your dh left his own father's funeral?  That sucks.... too bad there wasnt some private room you could have gone to to remove yourself from the stress.  

After what went down at SD's wedding approx. 4+ years ago, I realized that funeral step-hell was just as much as a possibility too.  https://www.steptalk.org/forum/parenting/adult-stepchildren/any-funerals...

Goes without saying that if you are relagated to the back of the church alone, not allowed in any pictures, or subjected to watching BM walk arm and arm down the aisle with your DH sans permission from either him or you, even tho. 20 years may have gone by by then, the funeral isn't going to be much different,  BUT, thanks to Step-talk, I'm much wiser now and when I chose to go to any family event, I always just assume it could be a #!$# disaster.  People can plan and make side arrangements all the want, but the one thing they can't make or predict is my reaction.  And, since nothing, for me, could ever top how I was treated at SD's wedding, I would absolutely have no problem telling any of 'em to go to H- at this point, and to their faces, then I'd walk out and get a taxi or something.  Wouldn't even matter if Mr. Minister was there.  

And, you may very wll be correct, "They set us up. I tell you they set up my dh !!!!" Why in God's name SKs, other famly members, etc. don't realize that when they piss all over dad's wife (SM), they are pissing all over dad too is beyond me.  It just shows how messed up some families truly are.  It really bothers me and it will to the day I die that BM and bio-dad get divorced, are to move on, they then remarry, and every one goes around acting like the spouse they remarried is THE one who is supposed to be making all of the accomodations--yep!--making all of the accomodations for somehone else's divorce.  Maybe if you're both divorced and remarried, I can see it making some sense in a backwards sort of way, because then you are both getting screwed.  But, if you are never married and you marry someone with children--Holy Hanna!--are you going to get belittled, scapegoated, and ripped off 3 ways 'til Sunday.

There is such a lack of common sense from most people when it goes to the trmt. of SMs, it is beyond belief.  I mean, simple concepts, very simple concepts, like husband and wife expect to be treated like husband-wife even seem to be lost on so many!!  Just remember that, and the next time someone tries to degrade your relationship with your DH, give it back to them 10 times over.  You have to look at it as you are, an experienced, well honed SM genius who is going to enlighten the low-brow SM ignoramuses on what being dad's wife really means, and it means not taking any low-brow crap from adults whom should definitely really, really know better.

Time to take off the victim hats and for you and DH to go on the offensive.

I understand the grief.  Grieve and plan.  Their demise. Proverbial demise of course.

My condolences to you and DH on the loss of your FIL.

Forget it - you know best, right?

I don't know ESMOD.  In these types of situations, it is far too easy for people to underestimate the absolute and utter shock.  You feel afraid and you are not thinking straight.  Sure, maybe now I know better, or profess to know better, but when husband and wife attend an event together, they expect to be treated like what they are--husband and wife.  This is an innate assumption or feeling that DH and SM have, just like any other married couple or long-term SO--that they will be treated like a package deal.  Thus, when you and your DH attend an event, doesn't matter which one, and you are clearly being marginalized and treated like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone's shoe (it doesn't even really matter if it happened similarly before), it is very difficult to put words to those feelings of shock, fear, betrayal, and despair.  I mean, these are people who you thought loved you and your DH, or at least cared for you and your DH on some sort of level.

Despite their best efforts, not everyone can hold it together when the shiatsu hits the fan, so to speak, nor should they necessarily be expected to.  The expectation is that people whom you are close to shouldn't be total a$$holes to begin with, regardless.  For a SM there is sucking it up and taking it here and there for your DH, and then there is totally and unexpectedly getting body slammed by DH’s relatives.  In the latter situations, you can't predict nor control your own reactions much more than if that literally was taking place--being mugged in public and everyone seemingly allowing it--because that is quite realistically what it feels like.  You try to keep it together, but fight or flight kicks in, and next thing you know, all hell breaks loose.  The issue is with the a$$holes who do this sort of thing and not with SM (or DH) who don't somehow manage to keep it together when they are undergoing an all-too public flogging by people they loved and cared for.

How rude of her especially after being told not to come or to sit in the back quietly.  I get wanting to pay respects to former IL's. my exIL's are getting up there in age and we are on friendly terms so I have thought about this scenerio, but I know for a fact that exH would not want me at their funerals and out of respect and not wanting to cause drama I would not go.  Though I would make a donation to a charity in their name and send a card to the surviving spouse with my condolences.  

I'm so sorry this happened to you and DH, it was highly uncalled for.  

My husband has a ex wife from the 80's, lol. No kids, and they were married 3 years. She has been to 2 of our families funerals, and I just couldn't believe it. She's never bothered us, but it's embarassing. I've asked my husband to pass the word along to her to stop the nonsense,  but he refuses saying it's not a big deal. His other ex the mother of his son is the one that causes the most trouble. I had to tell her when she called once NOT to come to his mother's funeral, and she would be asked to leave. Thankfully she didn't.  This garbage is why more and more are refusing to co-parent with their exes. Instead do most of the parenting with their partner/spouse.

I think from now on your best revenge is cutting her out of your lives. If you have to see her somewhere act like she doesn't exist and don't get upset.  Or get security for those family events.  Your DH should have told the kids, she's NOT invited. You need to make sure DH is on board so another diaster doesn't happen. 

This is truly awful. I suffer with anxiety too so can totally sympathize that when an anxiety attack takes hold it is pretty much out of your control and support is needed.

Although it won't change what has been done by the scummy ex, have you and your DH considered having a small memorial service or meal with just your nearest and dearest. Keep it private and create some more positive memories of your last good-byes.

Don't give them the satisfaction of having a lasting effect on your final memories.

OP - I hope you and your DH have found peace since this travesty last year.  I totally understand your freak out. After the hideous home invasion by SS34 and his GF 2+years ago,I totally lost it over their possibly showing up at an in-laws event (who did not know about it).  I just freaked out and could not get out of bed until I was sure they would not be there when we went. 

Now a couple of years later I could handle it - but I still wouldn’t guarantee that I might not go off on them if they came near me.  DH has 4 married siblings ( all lovely people). Two know the details. He also has several cousins, aunts and uncles (most younger than I am) who know nothing about what happened.  I do not feel the need to go spread the word, but would not hesitate to do so if questioned why SS and the GF were banned. 

My DH is almost a decade younger, but his parents died young (53 and 62) while there is longevity in my family.  No guarantee on who will go first. 

But if DH predeceases me he wants to be cremated with no big funeral.  I would hold a memorial service at our lake home (DH loves it here) and ss34 would be banned.  He could hold his own memorial service if he wanted to  

DH’s cousin (6 weeks apart in age) died recently.  He lived about 900 miles away so very few relatives here will be able to attend the memorial where he lived  We will be holding a second memorial (at our lake home) in his memory for those who cannot make the trip