Sorta O/T: Marriage counseling

I’ll preface this with I’ve always wanted us to go to marriage counseling, starting years ago.

I reached my proverbial tipping point a couple weeks ago and insisted that we go - preferably before the end of the year and especially before I’m forced to engage with DH’s parents on Christmas.

I hopped on Good Therapy, found a local therapist that met our crazy schedule needs and specialized in high conflict marriage counseling. I called and made an appointment.

Therapist wanted to do a solo appt each, with the third appointment being our first couple session.

Today was the my appointment. DH’s is tomorrow.

I laid it all out there: Our marital issues in regards to DH’s lack of transparency; DH’s defensiveness regarding all the toxicity and dysfunction in regards to his parent’s behavior and unhealthy attachment to skid and alliance with BM; and just skid issues in general like the court order not being complied to (with the help of his parents).

Towards the end of my appointment, the therapist tells me she’s not going to sugarcoat anything, that she’ll try her hardest to help save my marriage, but that I should inevitably just divorce DH.

With a DH who is in the fog and extremely defensive in regards to how HCBM is dealt with, and his super dysfunctional parents and their involvement, who are vehemently against attending family therapy with us, that I should just start socking away money and make an exit plan to get a divorce.

I saw this coming. I cannot say she is wrong.

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I'm sorry. I hope your

I'm sorry. I hope your therapist is wrong and your DH can learn some new behaviors.

But I'd take her advice to sock away money and start planning an exit, given the apparent long odds of success. No harm in saving money.

Thanks Merry. Me too.

Wow, just...wow.

On one hand, it's nice to see a therapist who isn't vague and doesn't sugarcoat things. But like Futuro said, for her to give advice before meeting your DH is a little concerning. She should be in the fact finding phase, and not be so quick to judge.

It will be interesting to see where things go after she meets with your DH. And no harm in preparing for a rainy day.

Please keep us updated, momjeans. I'm really curious about what more this therapist has to say. With advice like that, I can't imagine how she pays her bills.

I relate

I relate to a lot of what you shared and when I read this, my heart caught in my throat a bit, especially since the BM in my life is now threatening again to take DH to court over nothing and it caused me lots of anxiety. DH also continues to approach this mediation as if BM is a reasonable person who will consider what he wants and somehow decide that her wanting to mediate over the "promptness" of his emails is a waste of everyone's time.

We also got in a huge fight this weekend where DH accused me of hating SSs. I told him that his kids can be pretty unlikable and it's on him, as the parent, to make them likable. He also told me that I hate his family, which I do, because they haven't been welcoming to me. One SIL has been openly hostile. I'm not sure why it's on me to like them, if they are still trying to decide what they think of me, after four years.

That said, I agree with the comments above about the therapist. It was a red flag to me that she wanted to meet with you individually before meeting with you as a couple. My friend - who is a counselor - would say that you should never have marriage counseling with someone who has previously worked with you individually because they will be biased in your favor. Even though she is meeting with you as part of marriage counseling, she has met with you first and already formed a strong opinion based on meeting with you first, so she's shown some bias, already. In my opinion, she should have met with both of you first to get a sense of how both of you are approaching things and then met with each one individually to do a little fact finding. She's now not only reached a conclusion herself, but also shared that conclusion with you, which predisposes you to think a certain way about the process as well. She's essentially told you that it's a long shot that you will want to stay married and she's not sure she can help you and I think that will ultimately color your view as well. If she had told you that after talking to both of you and seeing how you and your DH interact in a couple of sessions, then maybe she would seem more justified in her response, but it makes me very uneasy that she not only reached that conclusion so quickly, but also that she shared it with you. If I were you and if you seriously want to have a productive therapy session, I might look for someone else.

I have a different take on

I have a different take on this. I don't necessarily think that the therapist has "taken your side". I personally believe that EVERYONE should have an exit strategy. Not necessarily about divorce - but sometimes people die - not just old people. As remote as it may be things happen in life and no one can count on things staying the same.

I love my DH. He's been great. He's one of the best DHs about not forcing SS34 on me. Yes he would love it if I would forgive SS and let him back in my life (not happening). Now that I am having some serious health issue (not life threatening but mobility challenging) he is there for me 24/7. He's a great husband. My friends all rave about him.

Yet in the far recesses of my brain I have plans about what I would do if he was not there. But I'm a planner and always want to have a fallback position.

I used to be a couples

I used to be a couples counsellor and I would say that it is very bad policy for a counsellor to make pronouncements such as this any time during counselling, and much less on your first session when she hasn't met both partners. But hey, maybe she's right.

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