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Getting on with SKIDS?! Is it possible?!

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 11:08am

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Bio Child Free Zone

I would like to get on with my SD13, but I wonder is this is possible.

she lives with me and her dad (my partner)

full time, I look after her while her dad's at work. She is a typical teen, hence attitude etc. Is it possible to get on with her, especially if I have responsibility of discipline (at times).

I feel she is a stroppy teen, clings to daddy but plays up for me and winds me up (often works).

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 12:32pm

I couldn't truly get along and enjoy my stepdaughters company until I stopped being her caregiver all the time when my husband (then boyfriend) was at work. Once we got to build a relationship on our own terms, it worked out a lot better.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 4:47pm

Thanks Sunshine - I can see how that would work if done on own terms - I'll see about how that could work at the present I think.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Sun, 11/11/2018 - 4:23pm

Hi Sunshinex 

‘I’m ’still having trouble, can you tell me about your situation and how you built your relationship with your stepchild? I really want to work it out but really struggling with her attitude towards me.

thank you 

sunshinex's picture

Submitted by sunshinex on Fri, 05/26/2017 - 12:32pm

I couldn't truly get along and enjoy my stepdaughters company until I stopped being her caregiver all the time when my husband (then boyfriend) was at work. Once we got to build a relationship on our own terms, it worked out a lot better.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 07/07/2017 - 3:03am

Hi Gryghost,

Thanks for posting, I'm sorry to hear things are getting worse for you. I feel what you say about your marriage not being terrible - I truly love my partner and we have lots of laughs and happy tims; however when my SD is about it all changes.

I don't know about you, but I feel so torn and don't know what to do as I love my partner and can't imagine us not being together - all I see is sadness.

Thinking of you too

seacuke1891's picture

Submitted by seacuke1891 on Sat, 07/22/2017 - 7:49pm

OMG this is exactly my experience too...

so glad to hear from someone that doesn't think "You knew it when you married them" or "You married both of them"... NOT TRUE!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 06/05/2017 - 10:34pm

Mine asked me to adopt him when he was 22. His mom and I met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Fri, 07/07/2017 - 3:06am

That's really lovely Rags, have you had moments of up and down - or has yours been a happy ride?

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/02/2018 - 9:29am

Oh yes.  We had our moments and periods of drama. But most of all.. .it has been good.  Most of the drama was little more than the usual parent/kid stuff as he grew up seasoned with the occassional good dose of teen boy brain farts and bouts of Cranio-Rectitis. 

Nothing more or less than I did at his age. 

Most of the drama revolved around his highly manipulative SpermClan though.  We never tolerated their crap and he learned to recognize and counter it as he got older.

He is a wonderful man.  I am proud of him and proud to be his dad.

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Mon, 07/10/2017 - 1:46am

No it will never change, unless your husband makes changes.

Either he tells his daughter you are in charge when he's not there and she should always show respect... this is the only way, but he's never going to do that....

I suggest you read the link I got on this site, helped me allot with my brat.... she was 12 when she moved in with us..

http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Tue, 07/18/2017 - 3:05am

Thank you, I will read it. I'm working on the DH telling her to respect me, he has but it is working progress (he knows she's a devious cow but obviously it's his daughter...)

I have glanced at it, would you say I stop washing her clothes and cooking her dinner? (I am a bit of a childminder too - SD13). But not to be trusted at all!

Cheers

Acratopotes's picture

Submitted by Acratopotes on Wed, 07/19/2017 - 8:07am

yes to stop doing her laundry - she's 13 and old enough to do her own laundry including bedding.

NO to stop cooking - you cook a meal for the house hold, what ever you like and what your husband likes, if SD does not like it tough, either she eats it, go to bed hungry or eat ramin noodles or bread. You do not prepare something specially for her and there will be no take out. There's a healthy meal in the house she eats it and done.

Yes you are a child minder but not a maid Hon, you tell her clean this or do that, she ignores you... let it go and wait till DH is at home, then you simply say to DH - I asked SD to do the dishes, it's not done, please see to it..

Now either DH does it himself or he gets onto her back to do it...

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Tue, 10/02/2018 - 4:17am

My DH does tell his SD that I am in charge when he’s not here but she still continues to ask him over me (callin* him at work) or just simply do her own thing asking none of us - som3 even involves BM Mum (her Nan) picking her up and takin* her out wi5hoyt either of us knowing.

she ignores everythin*, does what she wants when she wants and is the big I AM with mobile in her hand.

LJFSYD's picture

Submitted by LJFSYD on Tue, 07/25/2017 - 9:14am

Well when i was 59 and back into dating game after spouse died, I refused to date anyone with kids at home, but did with my DH, as they were college and working 20 and 26 at the time....dated for over a year and kids gone before i moved to his hom.....I do get along with his 40 something two older children wonderfully, but they are much older and thankfully have busy lives and love that dad is happy, Maturity is the key ......the two younger ones have been spiteful from day one.....and I questioned a permanent relaxationship early on......if I had to do over, I wouldnt be here, these two younger ones have done everything but shoot me dead to dispose of me. They resent boundaries and when I have been disrepected they have been called out on it and it was discussed the whys of it.....I buried it, they didnt....so now we are dealing with 9 years of accusations, to quote them: "she hates us (not), said all kinds of wondrous things to them that have ruined thier self esteem and put them in depths of depression (not), they are not protected from me (they dont need it as I usually cordially say hello and go to my craft room to allow them time with thier dad (they are now 25 and 31ish..) they refuse to acknowledge my existence when meeting with other firends/family (DH calls them out on it and its a "oh hi") so would i put myself in this position again. I adore my DH, without the drama of the other two, we live a wondrous life, then all hell breaks loose when one of them starts a melt down and rants and DH has no clue how to handle.....we both finally wrote them emails with blow by blow responses to thier accusations.....but to our dismay, they are still the victims and are in "expensive" counseling (good for them, hope the counselor is smart enough not to be maniputlated by a one sided story) and they are having to pay out of pocket for this "espensive counseling for each of them" (ok, so one teaches English in tawain, the other is an officer in the navy (thats scary all by itself) and they cant pay for thier own counseling?) Told DH "well, are they trying to guilt you for more money? Cause after all, your grand national bank of funds has subsided them enough that in the end you ARE the one paying for these sessions anyways....LMOA as i think abou this

MsMad's picture

Submitted by MsMad on Tue, 10/02/2018 - 4:49am

Hi LJFSYD,

How are things with you now?

I empathise with your situation with your younger SDs and feel like I am in a s8milar situation myself.