The Worse they treat DH....is this really Possible?!
Hi,
I am new,and appreciate any and all input. Been with my DH for 10 years, married for 8. It's been a dark ride; his kids have been rude, arrogant, dismissive,and a list I am sure many of you are sadly too familiar with. They used my job benefits for years, until I cut that off, and now they never contact me, as they don't Need anything.
Here is my question: It TRULY seems as though, the Worse his kids treat him, the More DH clamors for their time and attention. He will do/spend/go to any length, to be with them or get any crumb of affection from them. My kids, both grown, gave up on him years ago, are still respectful,but they spnt years doing nice things for him,only to be ignored. I respect their choice.
As this goes, he often runs around to do for them, yet won't do half as much for me, such as planning and shopping for,and cooking dinner, never chiding them, and tolerating their being late, blowing him off last minute, not calling or communicating, etc, etc. We used to fight about this, because I could not fathom how they could be so rude, but if he doesn't care, how can I?
Do any of you experience this sad phenomenon, too? 
Sincerely,
PB
Seems to be very common. My
Seems to be very common. My DH does this too. It is so unattractive as a man! I find it hard to watch. They need to grow a spine and stand up to these rude adult babies.
It is a very unhealthy
It is a very unhealthy co-dependent relationship...Where He is dependent on their acceptance to the degree that He has made an idol out of their opinions of him...A man pleasing spirit that feeds into his perceived identity about himself. (Which he should be receiving from the one that created him...God is the only author of his identity...but he has given that role to his toxic children)...giving them control over his destiny as a person.
On the other foot...when they reject him...it feeds their false pride...giving them a sense of power...the problem with that is they benefit from the hurt and rejection they cause another human being....pride is inflated..feeling good for a brief amount of time...The problem with that is, that it has to be constantly fed to keep them going and it is all based in deception...There is no love init...they are groping for another chance to be falsely elevated because they have not had that honest look in the mirror at themselves...they have not even found the mirror...As long as they can press someone else down by a spirit of rejection...they feel superior...which gives them a sense of power...Very toxic relationship.
The soul tie that binds them together is the brokeness of their family unit and all the hurt and pains that come with that deal...To let go and forgive to embrace a better future...is to embrace something unknown. Most of the time they would rather cling to what they know..even thought is keeping them all in bondage to the past...The past is dictating to your present what the outcome of your destiny will be...But only if you let it.
They need to constantly live in the past because of the baggage they brought with them that they cannot let go. Fear blocks real love from taking place. When I disengaged from it all...I had to release my step kids to the Lord. Their journey is between them and God now. I will not be the "rug" that they require us to be in order to have a relationship with them. It is not who God created me to be..or my dh...but, unfortunately I cannot decide for him...I watch him repeat this toxic cycle over and over for 26 years of our marriage...
Because of all the lies they have been pas'd into believing..The biggest one being everything that is wrong in our lives is somehow dad's fault. Some of them have taken no responsibility whatsoever for their decision making in life...because they were marinated in bitterness of a failed marriage from their bm. I realize I did not create this problem, nor can I or my dh fix it...Only God can at this point. Whenever I find my mind going there...I try to remind myself their life is none of my business ...and this is between them and the God they serve. the answer is buried in layers and layers of lies that have made a way into their
hearts throughout their experiences in life. None of us can fix a lot of these issues they suffer from. Only God can.
i know it is hard to watch and not get sucked into it...a toxic life pattern they have curated over time...Their only way to becoming free, as with the rest of us, is to let God unpack those things that haunt us from our childhood experiences so His truth can truly set us free to become everything He intended for us to be....The best any of us can do at this point, is to live out our own freedom to be an example for the world to see...
I know it is hard not getting caught up in it when you live with it...but there is a way to separate yourself from letting it overtake your own personal journey...
For years stoic DH would not
For years stoic DH would not fully express his love for SD, rarely hugging her or telling her he loved her - although it was obvious he placed her on a pedestal and made her think she was his top priority. This gave her a false sense of superiority over me. I honestly think when she pulled her meltdown almost 4 years ago that she thought he was going to leave. What she didn't realize was that DH's top priority was himself and his own comforts so he remained with me and decided to focus on the marriage. In my opinion this caused SD to have a sense of betrayal. For the first couple of years DH would call and call only to be cut off. SD never returned his calls. DH would make all sorts of excuses for her, "She's really busy", "doesn't know our new number" (after he called on her cell phone which would have our number). Without SD's toxicity our marriage greatly improved and DH finally gave up trying to win over SD.
You wrote that the skids would do nice things for your DH only to be ignored. They probably gave up. Then it appears guilty Dad syndrome took over and DH tried, in his own way to make up for his inattention to them. This can go one of three ways: Either they will forgive him and reconnect, or they will use him until they are no longer angry, or he will get tired of being used and let them go. Whatever happens, your DH is the one to handle it. But you are his wife and should insist your needs come first.
My DH used to chase his
My DH used to chase his rotten, spoiled, manipulative, liar of a daughter. It made me sick. It caused a lot of stress in our relationship. She would lie to him and treat him like garbage which in turn caused him to chase her more. He has 2 sons as well who treat him with the respect and love he deserves but he would give princess more attention as she is "really needy". Yeah, really needy alright. She needed his checkbook. It made me sad to watch my DH throw himself at this brat. Years later she finally said she would never speak to him or see him until he divorces me. Uh, not happening bitch. She escalated in her abuse of DH. he finally had enough and yelled at her. He finally sees her for what she is. We haven't heard from her in a year and a half. It's been great! No more fighting about princess. I say, good riddance.
No kidding Catmom! Crazy is
No kidding Catmom! Crazy is definitely rewarded in this family. Princess is crazy and makes one bad decision after another. I don't know why this gets rewarded. I know your boyfriends daughter had a baby. My brilliant SD had one too. I guess she needed a new accessory (got pregnant on purpose by lying about birth control) and another way to suck everyone in as she believes that her family's only concern is paying for her. BTW--how's things going with the daughter and the baby? I haven't seen any posts from you lately. I hope all is well.
It makes me sad that the good kids don't get as much attention. I would tend to think that we parents would want to reward our kids that play by the rules; not these delinquent princesses.
God that's so frustrating.
God that's so frustrating. Poor little innocent baby. Princess can say whatever she wants and her dad will believe it but the doctors should be able to tell if princess didn't properly care for herself during her pregnancy.
My brilliant SD smoked like a train when she was pregnant and caught an STD as well. This resulted in a raging infection and she was hospitalized. So, the baby was born, underweight, with all sorts of problems and was in the PICU for a couple weeks. He was then released to psycho princess. I know, it makes no sense. Now the kid is 3 1/2 years old, extremely overweight and he can't walk or talk. She doesn't feed him properly. It's tragic and very sad. CPS has been called on her numerous times for a variety of concerns regarding her mental stability. They do nothing.
I hope your boyfriends daughter is a better mother than my SD.
My DH used to do the same
My DH used to do the same thing....chase his adult babies to the ends of the earth and kiss their ass just for a scrap of attention, while they treated him like absolute garbage. I'd make a nice dinner, and if one of them called in the middle of it, he'd fall all over himself to talk to them and blow me and my meal off, because they hardly EVER called him (forget that they weren't working and could have talked any time), they don't answer the phone when he calls them, and OH MY, the world must stop because one of his precious babies is calling (always to demand money, which he would hurridly dish out). Finally a counselor made him realize that his behavior wasn't working and that his kids needed to show him some respect. Thankfully he's changed his ways, because it was causing some issues in our marriage.
Your DH should be putting his
Your DH should be putting his wife before others full stop.