What would you do?
DH and I have just bought a new house in a different suburb of the city we live in and we move in in the new year. It is a lovely large house with plenty of room for everyone. SD16 who currently lives with us would however need to change schools if she came with us as it is too far to travel each day. Obviously, SD16 is reluctant to move schools away from her friends and start somewhere new which I do understand.
The snag is, SD16 does not get on very well with BM, hence why she now lives with us. BM, like us, lives close by to SD16's school so it would make sense for her to live with BM once more if she is keen to stay at the same school.
SD16 is very reluctant to return to living with BM. We found out the other night that her best friend's mum has offered for her to live with their family Monday to Friday so she doesn't have to move schools and would come to BM's and our place on alternate weekends. This came as a shock to us but DH did call the best friend's mum to discuss it. The best friend's mum was reasonable, happy to do it and understood SD16's reasoning for not wanting to return to BM's - BM constantly bad mouthing us, using SD16 as an emotional crutch, poor nutrition and structure in her home etc.
My question is: would you:
1. insist SD16 comes with us and changes her school? SD16 would like to continue living with us but for the change of schooling factor.
2.Have SD16 go back to BM's who she ran away from in the first place and really doesn't want to live with?
3. Be ok with her living with her best friend's family who offered and are happy to have her?
What is BM going to think of
What is BM going to think of this arrangement? Will she cause a stink?
What happens if mid-year the friend's parents do not want to continue the arrangement?
How far away are you moving? Could SD drive to school? (Does she have a car/license.)
Is SD doing well in school? Does she participate in extracurriculars? If she is not super involved, I would make her move.
Kids having to change schools is part of life.
BM has already kicked up
about it and has given SD an earful to such an extent that she had a massive panic attack. If mid year it doesn't work out at the friend's SD would come and live with us. The distance would be about an hour in peak traffic so not feasible or an option unfortunately.
SD does really well in school academically. She isn't involved in sports or etra curriculars though but does do jujitsu a few times a week outside of school.
What would I do? I would have
What would I do? I would have waited two years to buy a new house so SD16 could stay in her school and not have to face this dilemma.
That is absolutely ridiculous
That is absolutely ridiculous. You move when you're ready. You don't wait for it to be convenient for a child. We moved 8 months ago and our home's value has increased by 40k already. I couldn't imagine paying more for the same home to suit a child.
There is nothing wrong with moving schools now, and I'd consider the friend, but not BM. I always assume things are much worse than skid is willing to disclose as far as BM goes.
I disagree. Unless you
I disagree. Unless you absolutely MUST move, why disrupt a kid's last two years of high school? To me, that's very selfish of the parents. In this case, it appears they had to do it.
The title asked what I would do. That's what I would do. I'm sorry for your children that you only take your needs into account and not theirs.
Cheers
but not exactly helpful given we would love to have stayed in this area but for the crazy price of houses. We live in one of the most expensive city's in the world for real estate (Sydney) and we didn't want to continue renting forever more.
Part of life is losing friends and making new friends
That happens every time you move, change jobs, ect. Changing schools is something kids do all the time. Unless new school is really bad, and old school is that much better. It should not matter
#3 And if she starts
#3 And if she starts disrupting their home in any way, she moves with you all. You are giving her an opportunity (and more so her bf's parents) to finish school at her H.S. and if she slacks up on any level, she's back with you all. It's not the end of the world if she does mess up at 16 and she'd have consequences for her behavior at best friend's parents home. And i say this from a SM (once SD15 and BM to ours now DD15) perspective , who does well in school and tries to accommodate the good behavior. Try to give her a chance to stay and prove her stance.
#3 And if she starts
Duplicate
There is no way I would turn
There is no way I would turn raising my kid over to someone else, especially at 16, when parenting gets really difficult. It's no longer a matter of the kid making little-kid mistakes. At 16, sex, drugs, alcohol, social issues (like bullying) start coming into the mix, and grades matter more with real life just around the corner. To me, that's the age when a kid needs the kind of supervision only a parent can provide.
There's no way of knowing that situation will be better than living with BM or your family. Yea, it's convenient, but the list of what ifs is way too long.
I agree with another post above -- kids change schools all the time. It's hard and messy, but when I was young, no one put off a necessary move because the kid will miss her friends. Most kids adjust because they have to. It might not be ideal, but if you do it as a family that seems better to me than farming out parenting during a kid's most crucial years.
If she lives with the other family and all goes well, that's great. But you don't know all will go well. If she gets pregnant or ends up with a DUI, you'll be kicking yourself for taking that chance of letting others raise her.
Great advice MF. I too agree
Great advice MF. I too agree that moves happen all the time, and kids live and adjust. Adults just put their lives on hold now so kids aren't exposed to change? Nope.
Although, part of me would be like, "Have fun with your new family! peace!", and then gleefully enjoy all the free time my DH and I would now have together with no skids. lol. But that's just me.
It’s not just you! ;)
It would be a blessing for me to have no skids living with me!
Thank you
for the great advice marblefawn. We really are in 2 minds about the whole thing and what to do for the best for SD. It's a tough one as we don't want to drag her kicking and screaming with us but at the same time not living with immediate family at 16 and still at school seems pretty full on and drastic. As others have said, moving schools is a part of life sometimes.
Millions of military kids
Millions of military kids change school and states or countries every year. No, it isn't fun. They move becasue the family moved. If SD doesn't want to live with BM than she needs to change schools. I have very little patients for complaining about a move.
Option 4. She is 16. She can attend
She is 16. She can attend her old school under BM's address, live with you and DH and drive to school every day.
An affordable safe reliable vehicle is a simple solution to this issue.
Keep it simple.
Well personally I would make
Well personally I would make her live with BM and then cry tears of joy.
But seriously in your situation I think I would have her switch schools. Shes old enough to drive and visit friends and keep in touch outside of school. Especially if the reasons she doesnt want to live with BM are serious. I dont think living with a friend would turn out well and might not end up lasting the whole two years anyway.