You are here

FFS MIL!!!! -vent

iamlosingit's picture

Just this past weekend it was another glorious skid weekend.  Thurs DH and I went out to eat last minute because he was "in another mood" of his again.  In the parking lot there was a desk that someone had abandoned.  DH decided that he was going to fix it up and give it to his grandmother as a gift because she had been looking for a new desk.

He picks up skid on Friday and they take the desk apart and start painting/spray painting etc with DH taking about a million pictures to post on FB to brag about "what a good painter ss is" etc *VOMIT*

I'm not sure why, maybe it's because I don't have kids, but I"m sick of DH being on this latest kick of taking pictures of SS doing the most mundane, boring, stupid crap.  Let's go to a movie! ($60 later...) Lets take a picture of SS sitting in the movie theater! Now a picture of him eating pop-corn! Picture of SS taking standing on the beach! Same picture but this time SS is taking a drink! SS standing in front of the door giving a "peace sign"...c'mon Facebook everybody stroke my ego and tell me what  a great dad I am!! ....WTF.......nobody cares....yeah I'm crabby leave me alone dammit.

The desk takes all of Saturday to do, mainly because DH is a freaking perfectionist to a T and kept taking it apart, putting it back together, re-painting, nit-picking, spending more money on more paint because there was a scratch...my god I was ready to drink.  He scratched the heck out of our entryway forcing the desk in and out of the house and ramming the walls with the metal legs when he couldn't make the turn...now our entry looks like crap.

We had gone grocery shopping on our last non-skid weekend in July.  DH "thought" he was buying food for the upcoming camping trip from hell....despite me telling him we needed regular groceries for upcoming heavy visitation.  We ended up going through most of it already and the trip is this weekend.  Saturday DH is trying to figure out lunch (I made pancakes around 9 because DH was so busy with the stupid desk he didn't feed SS, and he didn't have milk for cereal) so when Lunch rolled around DH starts going through the cabinets.  He can't find anything.  He starts asking where the second pack of lunch meat went.  Oh, sorry DH, you froze yours for the camping trip...did you mean MY lunch meat for my lunches at work?? Sorry DH...thanks to me having to pay the increase in our Escrow to the tune of +$330, and the monthly $115 of your portion of utilities that you haven't paid me for yet...that is MY lunch meat and you are not touching it.  I didn't say it that way, but I did tell him sorry DH that's for my lunches for work and I don't have $ for more until you pay me so figure something else out.  I have less than $55 in my account for anything until this Friday.  And I need gas.  He got mad and went and bought SS McDonalds.  He stayed in SS room the rest of the night with SS.

Sunday morning it's 730, SS stayed up all night even though DH told him to go to bed at 11 so he was still sleeping.   DH leaves.  Just drives off, no word nothing.  I"m a little baffled...SS is here....WTF.  He comes back WITH MIL!! Guess she was "having a bad day" and wanted to come over.  Thanks for the heads-up DH.  MIL immediately goes to help herself to coffee.  I tell DH "a little heads-up would've been nice".  He waits until MIL gets back in the room (what, do you need mommy for back up??) and lays into me about "how rude" I was the night before for saying "figure something out" regarding lunch that's why he ignored me all night.  I started laughing (it was too early for this crap) because I had no idea he was "ignoring me", he usually ignores me to spend time with SS regardless so I didn't see it as a punishment.  I told him to lighten up, that my mom used to say "figure something out" when we were hungry and there was food, but not an organized plan for said food.  "figure something out" as in "find something else".  I didn't realize that was being "insensitive", it wasn't meant as such.  

MIL changes the subject to SS bike. Bike? What Bike?  DH found a men's bike that had been hit by a car and abandoned in our driveway.  He reported it to the police, and nobody reported it missing so he decided to bring it to a bike shop and fix it for $40.  I already have a bike.  SS had TWO bikes for the three years we lived in the apartments...and never showed any interest in them or rode them.  DH ended up leaving them at the apartment (I wasn't there the final day of packing due to work).  SO DH had taken it upon himself to buy SS a bike.  He found one online for $15, and left around 3p.m. (remember, drop off is 5p.m.) to drive and get it.  It is now 6p.m. and he is not back.  He gets back at about 630 mad as heck with a brand new $80 bike in the back of his vehicle.  Long story short, they drove all the way out to the location to try out the bike online and discovered that the seller posted the wrong size, the bike was 2 inches shorter than stated.  SO dh got mad and drove to two thrift-stores to try and find SS a bike.  They didn't have any.  Then he got mad and drove to Target and bought SS a brand new bike.  He claims MIL pitched in $20.  No she didn't, MIL never has money and lives off the state and family handouts, this was a lie to try to "appease me".  So SS now has a bike, great right? NO! DH was pissed off because the bike was RED and SS wanted a BLUE bike.  He said all his son wanted was a blue bike and he was a crappy father because he never gets him anything blue and whine.whine.whine. OMG. ITS a BRAND NEW BIKE that SS will probably NEVER USE and you are worried about the COLOR.  BTW DH...WHERES MY $ for the DAMN UTILITIES?!?!?   Did I mention that DH is driving around with expired tabs on his vehicle...but good for SS we just had to get that bike.

I am starting to think that Disney Dad is a sickness...a horrible incurable sickness and it is only going to get worse.  Oh, and MIL was nice enough to text me while I was at work today, about a page long rant, basically telling me to "not be so hard" on DH because he had a crappy childhood and that's why he is a perfectionist.  SMH.  I give up.  Visitation Last weekend, thanks to the damn camping trip we have regular visitation Thurs then we have SS Fri-Sun again. Then Monday.  8 days of SS in not even 2 weeks.  Wonder if the campground is going on the credit card DH? I'm not paying for it.  Maybe I can block MIL number.

 

Comments

I love dogs's picture

Did you respond to MIL? She sounds like the reason DH is the way he is. And what a tragedy SS has a brand new bike! I'm willing to bet the $80 that he'll use the color as an excuse to not ride it.

iamlosingit's picture

I'm willing to bet that when I get home...dh will be on a mission to return the red bike with ss and get the blue one.  He swears I will have the utility and mortgage money from him by friday.  Hope he's right.  Or he's not taking the camper anywhere.

SteppedOut's picture

Then they will have to get ANOTHER new bike. Meanwhile utilities still not paid.

 

iamlosingit's picture

I'm guessing the bike went on the credit card, so he might return the red oneand go to the other store to buy the blue one.  He still swears I'm getting paid on Friday(because he gets paid on Friday).

Amcc13's picture

Have you reached rock bottom ? 

Have you found your spine and self respect yet? Are you finally ready to leave ? 

I hate being harsh but your life is the WORST. You live in poverty with a man who USES you to keep his home afloat while he spends all his money on everything else. It’s a disgrace! 

You do the same thing over and over again and nothing changes. What will it take for you to gather the shards of your self respect and do something different ? 

iamlosingit's picture

I need the money back that he still owes me.  My car will not last and I don't have enough to cover security deposits, pet deposits, and rent if my car goes.

Amcc13's picture

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news. Your never getting the cash back - he probably thinks ( as he has previously ) that he has paid you back. Remember when previously he yelled and screamed at you and said he had paid it back only to find he hadn’t and that yet again money was “missing” from his account???

 

this guy is using you and laughing at you behind your back. He could prob pay you back but knows you may go if he does so he uses it as blackmail to keep you in your place. Heck he does all he can to keep you down and in poverty. Lest you find a way out and leave him to pay bills and not have all his money to fritter away on ss. 

 

Please for goodness ness sake listen to the voices of reason on this site listen to your own gut your own soul

please make a plan to leave 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Sell the camper, and anything else of value. Tell your H that you can't afford an rv if you cant afford food and utilities, and squirrel that money away.

TrueNorth77's picture

Wow, he just randomly decides SS needs a bike, and has to move mountains to make it happen?? Also, SS is 9 and your DH went and spent the rest of the night in his room? FFS. He really is Disney.

iamlosingit's picture

SS is almost 11. And yes, it's a normal thing because I put my foot down and said I'm not spending my weekend watching SS tv shows in the living room when SS has a perfectly good working flat-screen TV in his bedroom.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Hon, WHAT exactly are you getting out of this relationship besides broke??

ndc's picture

I agree with other posters who are questioning why you are still with this man.  Seriously, there will never been a "good" time to leave him, from a financial perspective.  You're going to go deeper into the hole because he's going to keep using you to subsidize his life and his kid's.  Just make the break and at least what you earn and what you do going forward will be for you, not for the user and his brat kid.

AshMar654's picture

I agree. You seem just overall bitter about everything and seem to have gotten to a really petty place with this man. I get why you got there but is it really worth it anymore. I know people that just let bills go and everything go to crap leave and rebuild.

I think you really need to start getting a solid plan to get the hell out of there. Maybe you enjoy this drama. I am not really sure.

hereiam's picture

You are just going around in circles with this guy.

Referring to your previous blog, you may not have known what you were getting into, but you know what you are in the thick of, now, and it's not good.

This guy is going to keep using you, as long as you let him.

advice.only2's picture

If you had a very good friend who would tell you these stories on a weekly/bi-weekly basis what would your advice to them be?

Fact: Thurs DH and I went out to eat last minute because he was "in another mood" of his again (money spent)
Fact:DH is a freaking perfectionist to a T and kept taking it apart, putting it back together, re-painting, nit-picking, spending more money on more paint because there was a scratch (money spent)
Fact:He got mad and went and bought SS McDonalds (money spent)
Fact: He reported it to the police, and nobody reported it missing so he decided to bring it to a bike shop and fix it for $40 (money spent)
Fact: He gets back at about 630 mad as heck with a brand new $80 bike in the back of his vehicle (money spent)

I see your utilities and your rent all here, do you see it?

iamlosingit's picture

not if he put it all on his credit card.  We can't pay the mortgage with the credit card.  I have no idea what his balance or spending limit is on it.

Cover1W's picture

Does your DH have ADD?  He sounds like an amped up, unmedicated version of my DH.  However, my DH has kept his meds on schedule better, I disengaged and that worked (although it's always a work in progress), and he's in counseling 2x a month.

I know what you are going through.  It's not easy, but unless your DH really started to understand things and listens to you, you are going to go mad.  As in crazy.  As in lose your sh*t on him and that's not going to be productive. 

Is there any way to very, very clearly cut the financial cord more?  I know this is hard - are you keeping a list of exactly what you spend over your amount to cover him and a balance sheet of what he's paid/not paid?  If not, do this.  DH cannot argue with me here - the joint CC (which only I have access to) and mortgage and utilities must be paid, period.  And I cannot wait for him to remember when.  So as long as he's in debt to me, he gets no extras.  He pays 50/50 or more for all 'fun stuff', unles I offer or it's my 'thing' to do.  You've got to first cut him off financially.

iamlosingit's picture

I do have a list of everything he owes since October 2017.  He paid back a lot, got the balance down to $467.91 in January...then owed the IRS.  He had to have them paid by mid April, Feb-April his extra money went to that.  He has also only paid his share of utilities in April and June so now the balance is back up to $963.10.  I am almost 100% positive the extra junk he's buying is being put on his credit card.  We do our grocery shopping together and he has been grabbing things off my "side" of the belt and adding it to his too when he can.  I just wish he would stop doing that and write me a check instead. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

If you kicked him out, you could get roommates, keep the house, and start getting ahead in life.

You are smart, good with money, and hardworking; all qualities necessary for success. Unfortunately you had a dysfunctional childhood, so you don't know what a normal, healthy relationship looks like. And that's where you keep sabotaging yourself.

This is as good as it's ever going to get with this stunted man, and you are barely hanging on by the skin of your teeth. Eventually, he'll cause you to lose your house, your credit rating, your car, everything. I know what it's like to have no family to fall back on. I also know how great life can be with a solid partner, working together with common goals. I want you to experience that too, but you never will with this starter husband. He's simply not capable.

 

 

iamlosingit's picture

My credit is getting better but his is way, way higher than mine.  I'm talking a few hundred pts over mine.  I really don't think I have enough credit to get the mortgage on my own, we've only been in the home a year so our balance is still really high.  And the damn house only has two bedrooms.  It makes having roommates close to impossible.  It's great for us, but with the basement unfinished there is nowhere for anyone else to sleep.  I really thought we'd have some work done on the house by now but it just hasn't happened yet.  TONS of potential but no $$ for finishing stuff.

AlwaysSmiling's picture

Maybe you should text your MIL back saying not to be too hard on you, as you have a crappy marriage. When she makes excuses for her son's behavior, be sure to use those same excuses to warrant you being a bitch to him. 

I'm really just joking- you probably shouldn't text your MIL anything lol.