Skids talking and sharing about BM
Well, a few weeks ago, I get a series of horrible texts from BM accusing me of child abuse simply because I made it known to skids multiple times that I dont really want to hear stories about their mother. So, I feel like I have to make SD12 feel "comfortable" and keep the peace, so I tell her its ok if she wants to share positive stories of her mother.
Armed with techniques learned here on StepTalk, I knew what I was up against and knew how to deal with it. When Munchkin SD12 starts a conversation thread with "my mother..." I either interject with a story about MY mother (who is much different than hers, but I just pick a similar story...) or divert with a story that relates about myself. LOL. It has the multiple benefit of effectively and positively diverting the conversation away from BM, allowing Munchkin to feel comfortable talking about her mother, so there is no resentful awkwardness, all while educating my soon-to-be step child about her soon-to-be step mother and step grandmother. Yep. We are getting hitched! Another story for another time.
I have everyone here at StepTalk to thank for this technique. I have used it 2-3 times with much sucess. Once when I attempted the "interrupt-and-divert" BM conversaton technique, Munchkin then continued the thread, I STILL was able to complete the thread with something about ME and MY interesting (LOL) life. And we laughed and not a beat was missed. I will continue in this track, until she gets TIRED of learning so much CLove trivia and CLove moms trivia.
Munchkin: "my mom looks JUST like me, everyone always tells me this as soon as they see her with me".
CLove: "OH, everyone told me I look EXACTLY like my mother, but I insisted I DID NOT! Isnt that soooooo funny? Even though we REALLY do? And we sound the same on the phone too! And sometimes people used to say we were SISTERS! Isnt that too funny?"
Then, without missing a beat : "and I SWEAR when I see you smile, its as if your handsome father is smiling back at me! and look at your hands! They are the exact same....except yours are dirty, lol"
And so on. This technique is still new in practice, although Ive read it many times on this board. Maniacle laugh. CLove:20 BM: negative 20
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Comments
Bonus points to you for
Bonus points to you for telling her she looks like her father! Brilliant move! I would say if BM ever tries to make this an issue again, just share with her some personal info that SO shared with you that would embarrass her to death. Guarantees she won't want anyone talking about her again. Worked in my case. *ROFL*
Cringeworthy things like
Her sleeping with her ratty old "binky" that never gets washed, or the fact that she would get so drunk she pooped and peed herself many times...LOL. Yes she acccused me of child abuse over THAT.
If BM is accusing you of child
If BM is accusing you of child abuse then she is saying she can do better, so either she takes her child and raise her the way she sees fit or shut the fuck up! Did you ask to raise her child for her? Ungrateful woman, she is leaving her responsibility to you and then complains as if you are being paid!
I say this as gentle as
I say this as gentle as possible and I’m sure BM went way, WAY overboard but yes refusing to allow a child to talk about their other parent can be related to emotional abuse. It’s a step towards parental alienation and at the very least can create a tense living enviorment.
I’m glad you found a way to feel comfortable speaking with your future stepchild about their other parent. It will go a long way to keeping a positive household.
BM may drive me crazy and personally I think she’s a horrible parent but I always remember that she is the children’s mom. I don’t want to have an hour long discussion about her but I don’t want the kids to feel they have to censor themselves at our home like I know they feel at hers.
I get it, I really do
About the child feeling comfortable and not awkward or uncomfortable, but as gently as you mentioned it, I have to respectfully disagree, because I had an older skid who would purposedly use mentions of BM to in fact hurt me and make me feel bad. Then the endless stories of BM that were put on automatic repeat.
But I also it started very early on in the relationship, due to how badly I was treated by her. And how badly FDH was treated. But yes, I do get it.
That was why I decided to back pedal and go with it if Munchkin wanted to share about her BM. Precisely why,
Yes, it is VERY difficult to forget that BM is the mother. And I ust censor every time mention is made of her, so I know how awkard and uncomfortable censoring actually is. Its a double-edged sword!
Thanks for input.
I'm glad your technique is
I'm glad your technique is having some success for you so far, but it kind of reminds me of people who are always trying to "out story" the other person and turn the conversation to themselves. Personally, I just feel it is unnecessary, especially when dealing with a child.
I guess I am weird because it just never bothered me when SD (now, 27) talked about her mother. I just didn't care (sill don't). I mean, it's her mother. Who cares if she talks about her? She's a big part of her life.
I never felt threatened by it, or annoyed, or disgusted, or anything else. Sometimes, it even gave me some insight.
I guess I feel that it's really not right to make a kid feel like they can't talk about their parent. Should she feel shame that she has a mother? That she loves her?
And trust me, my SD's mother is a psycho bitch and caused a lot of stress from the time my SD was 5 until she was 18 but that was not my SD's fault.
Its not something I do naturally or really enjoy
Talking about myself isnt what I do really, I just feel like if I PARTICIPATE in the conversation, in a fun way, then it makes it less awkard for ME. Instead of me just dumbly sitting there blinking my eyes, or silently agonizing over it.
I despise her and everytime she calls or texts, my stomach tightens in a ball. Every time mention is made of her, over these 4 years, my stomach tightens in a ball and I feel sick to my stomach. SHE herself sickens me. Hearing her voice sickens me, stresses me out.
Im glad that you were able to Zen through it so well. I know that none of it is skid's FAULT, Im not ever blaming her at all. I treat her really great by her own admission, she tells me she loves me, comes to me for advice, we do things together and enjoy each others company, EXCEPT when her mother is mentioned. This just gives me a coping mechanism for MY OWN emotions that have nothing really to do with her.
And I know its the right thing to take the higher ground, but Munchkin has mentioned many times in the past 4 years that she cannot really say anything positive to her mother about ME, so why would I be ok with it, why am I less because I have these emotions?
Well Ive decided to take the higher ground, and move forward with this family, knowing I am stuck with stories of toxic mother as long as FDH is alive. Just going through my acceptance phase.
It is also not Step mom's
It is also not Step mom's fault that Step kid has a fucked up mother or that DH made the wrong choice in picking a mother for his child! If BM is dead from the moment Skid comes into my life then i can tolerate skid talking about his mother but if the mother is alive and well and we dont see eye to eye then i dont want her name mentioned in my house. I dont want her talked about in my presence. Am sure a child can understand when told to only talk to dad about his mom because dad is the only one who can relate. Skid can talk about his mom all he wants in my absence. I will not listen to conversations about an ex in my home!! The child will understand when he grows up.
SS(26) looks just like DH,
SS(26) looks just like DH, people have actually mistaken him in pictures with SD of being DH!
SD(29) also looks just like DH but a very pretty female version, however people tell her all the time that she looks likes BM. They have the same hair colour (BM dyes hers to match SD LOL) and the same blue eyes. Since I pointed out that they both have the same nose, lips and eye shape SD has started to say yes, she too thinks she looks more like DH than BM.
It doesn't really matter who they look like but I do think it's another one of BMs crazy antics to go on and on about how much her kids look like her, when in fact they look so much like DH.
I myself dont want to hear
I myself dont want to hear skid talk of his mother at least not in my presence. What's even worse is talking about old times, things they used to do as a family, WTF! I think he will be trying to annoy me. Do i need a reminder that DH had a life with another woman before me?, do i need to be imagining how their life was and their happy moments and i feel i have to compete with what used to be and that maybe DH sometimes thinks of his life with BM or he compares me to her when it comes to cooking or the bedroom and maybe MIL prefers ex DIL to me?. Living with SS is enough reminder that DH shared a life with another woman and Im second wife and second BM. Why i chose to deprive myself of the chance to be someone's First? It must have been love that turned me blind and stupid
Years ago in my past steplife
Years ago in my past steplife someone advised me on here how to deal with it. In my case exSDs were adults.
I was advised to not shut them down but ask ton of questions.
For example if they say that BM is the best cook you follow up with 25 detailed questions: does she put onions in? What kind of onions? Does she bake? What kind of baked goods? Does she use cook books? Which cook books? Etc etc
SDs would get tired and leave the room and likely will not bring up this topic again. Eventually they’d figure out that every topic about BM ends up like this lol
but that would work with adults, probably not kids.
lol BM said you abused her child because you didn’t want to hear about mom being drunk and pissing herself? Omg
No - the abuse charge
After drilling down through her strange and twisted texts to me, essentially came from the fact that I do not wish the children to talk about her and relate stories of their life with her.
Her getting drunk and messing herself is my "insider knowledge", if you will, as to who she REALLY is, when she gets down and dirty with the insults. Havent used them yet, may not ever, but at least I can rest easy that I CAN if necessary pull out the big guns.