To stay or not to stay, to run or not to run...
I was engaged to a man that has very many flaws and put me through a lot because of that. I have had it enough and moved out of the house and we broke up.
A month later, he is going to a psychiatrist and we are seeing each other again. I am so in love with him more than ever yet I have to think about it all before I re-invest all of me in this man again..
We have 15 years of age gap. He has 2 daughters; 16 and 20, I don’t have any.
And here are my pros and cons.
Pros:
-I love him dearly.
-He is my best friend. I have never met any both women and men that I share this kind of friendship with. We do almost everything together. He is someone I want to keep in my life even if we are not together.
-He is my mentor. He helps me grow as a stronger and more ambitious person everyday.
-He is a hard worker. He always achieves his goals like no other and always learning more to be better. A little of a workaholic too..
Cons:
-Our first 2 years, he handled situations between me and his daughters horribly and pushed me away. He couldn’t care less about my feelings and was verbally abusive towards me while spoiling them and doing everything for them. Now he is seeing a psychiatrist and I start to see changes in him.. I tell myself that he is one of the small amount of people that do change.. is he?
-I am too jealous over pretty much everything that involves his daughters. Texting, calling, shopping, anything.. They used to be a little inappropriate but that has gotten better. I am not so close to my dad and I am only 8 and 12 years older than the daughters.
-BM is not around much as she has her own family and lives in another state. YET she will be a part of my life forever. Birthdays, graduation, wedding and whatnot.
-He is financially set so even when he helps his daughters financially a little.. a little is not a little and that bothers me. Not too much of boundaries and I feel like he will save them even when they are in their 30s, 40s, if they come look for daddy.
-We both want kids. I don’t know how I feel about bringing new lives in to this unique situation. “Hey honey, dad can’t go to a park with you because he went to see his granddaughter” for example. I also don’t want my future kids to deal with or be affected by their step sisters’ drama. I come from a strict and conservative family and I want the same for my children.
I know the cons outweighs the pros sadly.. and I know if my younger sister was to come to me with story like this.. I would sit her down and do whatever it takes to get her out of it. However.. I already love him. I already want to spend my life with him. I sure do realize that there would be some/many dramas along the way just like any relationships.. yet do I want to deal with “step dramas”? I am so torn. I just want to love him and spend my life with him.. yet I see a huge mountain that I am not sure if I can climb and the price I am not sure if I can afford to pay without losing myself...
My main concern is you
My main concern is you mentioned he was verybally abusive towards you while spoiling his kids. This is horrible and a terrible situation for anyone to live in. History repeats itself with these types. I know from experience.
Except you will
Lose your love for him. When you don’t come first or second or, When you want your own family and he doesn’t want to do it . When his kids, his EX, his grand kids mean more then you do. When he give away money and then you can’t do anything because there is no money. He has special memory’s with his Happy Family and does not want to create Happy Family with you.
Love is not enough.
Love is not enough.
Listen to your inner voice telling you this isn't the right situation. There are other people out there that you will be compatible with and love... the one person... one love theory is a fallacy.
He has been verbally abusive and that is a deal breaker for me.
It was bad enough, that you
It was bad enough, that you broke off your engagement and moved out.
It's only been a month, he's in therapy, and you are hoping against hope that he is changing into the man that you want him to be. But, chances are, he is not, and any changes that you see will be short lived.
If he wants to change, he needs to do it for himself, by himself. In the meantime, have fun with your friends and date other people.
And although you say you want to spend your life with him, you also don't like what that could really look like.
I see too many red flags. My
I see too many red flags. My husband and I seemed to have many of the same pros as you and your SO have at first as well. We seemed to have everything in common. He seemed to make me a better person. He seemed to meet his goals. Really, he was how you describe your SO to be.
He also was verbally abusive and ended up turning extremely controlling. He threatened me four days ago and I had to have him banned from my work by security and get his email server blocked by IT. I am pursuing legal action to get him and his son out of my house. He will probably sue me numerous times for years after I am finally done with him. This is what I have found out he does to people who dare to walk away from him. Anyone who has that side and it is triggered by your interaction with their kids is not going to be good to have a relationship with. This is something I have lived with for several years now and am trying to get out of, and looking back, his son and my lack of love for his son, was the trigger for all of it. I assure you, this does not improve with time.
My husband is 20 years older than I am, so I understand your concerns there as well. His son is close in age to my youngest kids, but everyone thinks he is our kids' grandfather. He was over 50 when his son was born, and I do not recommend this. He is starting to have all sorts of health issues common to older men, and his son is barely school age. I do a lot of things he should do because he is tired, or at the doctor's, or sick, or has lost his patience for it. Some of this is probably not to do with his age, but a lot of it is. He also has started to resent me because he is deteriorating and I am still young and healthy. He had to ask me to demonstrate cartwheels to his son because he cannot do them anymore, but I can. He hated this. It is not bad to be older, or less agile, and we will be there one day also, but parenting with someone who is at a different place in that progression can be difficult. I have always preferred to date older men, but I think when I am single again, I will mostly look for someone close to my own age because I see more value in that now that I have spent these years with my current husband.
My point is that I think this is a bad idea to have a relationship with this person. I think he has shown some concerning behaviour in the past and will show more in the future. Most do, and if you have ever read a book about abusive partners or narcissists (I do not know if he is one or not) one common thing they say is that those people learn to work therapists and people think they are making progress when they are just learning to be a better abuser. You do not want this. No one wants this. I think it is good you got out one time. It is difficult to do that. I know this very well. I think you do not need to go back to this person and also probably do not try to have him as a friend for some time since it will seem good to date him again if you see him socially.
If you are on this website
If you are on this website you know something is not right. Listen to your instincts.
...we broke up.
He hasn't been in therapy long enough for you to make any decisions. He's not in therapy with the average therapist. He's seeing a psychiatrist. That's heavy duty therapy.
My SD's husband has, over the years, seen several different therapists. Each time we hear that this is the therapist that understands and will be able to.help him. And help they do, but the changes are shortlived. And on to a new therapist he goes. Don't place all of your faith in this psychiatrist enabling him to make long lasting changes.