O/T - Vacation Trials and Tribulations
I'm starting to feel like Mt Vesuvius. Been burning under the surface for awhile but about ready to blow!
SO and I have been together 14 years. We typically each pay our own way for our vacations and share expenses, with the exception of some special activities/weekends for birthdays.
His family lives overseas. Since the year we met, I've gone overseas with him at least once per year to their country because he wants to visit family. I've paid for my airfare/expenses on these trips, as well as any side-trips or excursions we've done on our own. I guesstimate I've spent approximately $20,000 over the years, just in airfare/expenses to visit his family.
When my SO had a milestone birthday several years ago, I asked if he wanted to do anything special. He decided he wanted to do a specialty cruise (which I also had interest in but certainly wasn't at the top of my bucket list) and a few days of land-based travel afterwards. I was happy to arrange everything since this was a bucket list vacation for him. We each paid our own way. He wanted to go big since this is a long-distance location so we went on many excursions (most of them very costly) including one very memorable and expensive one which I paid for as a gift for his birthday.
When SD got married last year my SO gave her and her husband $10K so they could take a dream honeymoon. Whatever. It wasn't my money so I kept mum.
Recently, my SO had a last-minute opportunity to go overseas to his home country for business. It also coincided with his mother's birthday. He asked me to go with because after her birthday celebration and family visits, we could then travel around and have a vacation. I wasn't planning, nor budgeting, to go overseas at this time but decided I would do so to support him and to honor his mother on her birthday and we would then go on vacation to a few places we had not been. As usual, I paid my airfare and expenses. He also paid for his portion that wasn't business related and didn't have any problem dusting off his checkbook to do so. In the back of my mind, however, I had an inkling and a preminition of things to come.... so read on!
I have a milestone birthday coming up. My SO asked me BEFORE this unplanned family/overseas trip, what I wanted to do and I said I'd like to do a trip from my "bucket list." I identified a couple of options and he was enthusiastic about them. He basically said whatever I wanted to do, he was fine with. Neither option was cheap but was in line with what we did for his previous milestone birthday. And the options are not significantly more costly than what was spent on this impromptu trip we just took.
Fast forward to now. We are back from the trip to his family and I'm trying to plan my milestone birthday trip. I did all the research, checked the figures, totalled it all up and told my SO what the costs were for either option. Well, my suspicicions are now reality.
Guess what! Now all of a sudden, he is throwing cold water on these options for my milestone trip. They are too expensive! He is very manipulative when he wants his way, and he tries to use his "superior logic" on me to point out all kinds of problems/expenses that make these options way out of line financially. He is looking for all the negatives he can possibly find. Keep in mind, his portion for either of these options isn't significantly much more than what he just spent on the impromptu overseas visit!
I am livid. I am very big on keeping our finances separate, and do think that it has prevented lots of problems over the years especially when it comes to what was given to skids. Like the $10K he gave SD for her and her gold-digger husband's honeymoon. He's got money for that but he can't seem to squeeze out enough money to pay his own way so I can take MY milestone bucket list trip!
I tried to discuss this with him last night but he is extremely shrewd and will counterpoint every single objection I bring up so I just shut up after awhile. He is very good at manipulating things to go his way.
Opinions: What would you do if you were me? An important point to note: I am getting older and like most people my mobility and health certainly won't be getting better. I want to do some of this more exotic travel while I can. I am very, very, very tempted to just plan my own trip, pay the outrageous single supplement, and to hell with him.
Thoughts?
Go on that trip with a friend
Go on that trip with a friend or a Singles group.
I would plan everything out
I would plan everything out as you always do and give him the itinerary and just let him know he can be there when you get on the plane or not.
GIRLS TRIP!!
I would grab a girlfriend or go with a travel group. I would go and have a blast... butt dial him a few times. As you said you’re getting older you guys have been dating 14years, no need to waste any more time and money.
If you would enjoy going
If you would enjoy going alone or with a friend or travel group, I would most definitely take the trip without him. And I wouldn't feel the need to support him on any future trips to see family if they aren't of great interest to you. I also would not engage with him further on this topic - if he's shrewd and manipulative, there's nothing to be gained from that.
Do it!!
"I am very, very, very tempted to just plan my own trip, pay the outrageous single supplement, and to hell with him." I would just tell him you are going on this trip because you are as worthy of it as he was for his special milestone celebration. Give SO a date for his answer but do not discuss the issue any further with him. Then if you want to travel on your own, or if you wish to travel with a friend - curb your generosity with him. He's being an a$$.
When a partner gets cheap, uncooperative and petty it changes the dynamics of the relationship especially when you are only asking for him to give you the same consideration as you have him. My DH used to be like this a lot until I let him know it goes both ways, and I have a memory like an elephant.
Cheap ...
...uncooperative and petty are absolutely true. And it does indeed change the dynamics of the relationship as my resentment is building. Like you, I have a memory like an elephant.
How did you combat it with your DH, Sandye? As I said, I posed my side of the issue with him and identified my problems with it, but he is very shrewd when debating something - and he ultimately wants to get his way.
what?? Im quite shocked that
what?? Im quite shocked that you pay every time you visit his relatives, or that you actually go with him every time!
How do you split domestic life and duties? is it equal? Do you earn exactly the same amount of money? I was very clear with my partner that I have always traveled solo throughout my adult life and I will continue to do so every now and again... which I have done in the last couple of years weve been together. Im flying to Bali next week on my own.
It's pretty much an even
It's pretty much an even divide, both in earnings and duties.
Although the household duties are taking a turn, too. As we age, I am not willing to be spending my time, energy and stamina scrubbing around the house. For awhile now, I've suggested we get a cleaning person in twice a month to do some of the "heavy lifting" cleaning. Same with yard work. He refuses because he doesn't want to spend the money on things he says he is easily able to do himself.
So when I am otherwise occupied or not around, he will go and attempt do the floors, etc. His idea of doing the floors is vaccuming all the tile - not washing it. If I then go and start mopping tiles, he tells me to leave it because he "just vaccumed."
Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
Perhaps you could create a
Perhaps you could create a spread sheet showing how much you've spent on trips he wanted? Include visits to his family and his special bucket list cruise. Then tell him "I want this. I need you to do this for me. I've done a lot of traveling for you, and now it's time for something for me."
Already tried that tactic and it fell on deaf ears.
When we were talking about this, I used his milestone trip as an example. He quickly found a couple of argument "loopholes" and dismissed it as an example. He is very manipulative when he wants his way.
A visit to a relationship
A visit to a relationship counselor is probably in order. By myself - to figure out what I want for the rest of my life. That might be a good investment of my time/money at this point. The vacation issue is just a symptom of his means of manipulating me when he wants his way. Naturally, if I ask him to go to a therapist with me he would expect me to pay - ha ha! So I'll go solo.
Everyone manipulates to a certain extend. Even me. But when the balance of that manipulation always seems to be in favor of one of the parties - it's time to assess.
Visit to a counselor
Visiting a counselor by yourself might really help. The counselor would be on the outside looking in. Perhaps having the advantage of not being in the middle of the situation and having a different perspective.
There has to be something going on in your partner's head, some fear of releasing money. Two years before we got married, DH decided to change careers. He went back to school then started at the bottom. When we got married I was making quite a bit more than he was. DH had a limited amount of money so this determined what his financial priorities were. He was very tight with his money when it came to me and sharing household expenses but was very generous with SD when we were both paying for it, plus placing hundreds of dollars into her checking account every month. This meant he was not investing in any sort of retirement funds. I finally insisted he put money aside and would not back down. I also started placing our funds into a joint savings account so there is a buffer in case we need a cleaning lady or yard work done, and DH doesn't feel the pinch.
But you are doing the right thing seeing a counselor on your own. Like you I was ready to tell DH to take a hike. I was convinced he was smarter than me. When I went to a therapist by myself, I began to believe otherwise. I gained the confidence to stand firm and not back off. When I proposed something I stated my reasons, gave him a limited amount of time to argue, then walked away to let him process it. Little by little he began to loosen up.
He can have his way one time, you insist on having your way the next and don't back down. Have to say though, if my DH got cheap with me now I wouldn't put up with it. He could have the choice spending a lot more money living elsewhere.
Thanks, Sandye.
I think you cut into the crux of the matter. We are both semi retired - he just did so recently and it's been several months for me. What is bothersome is that we had talked for YEARS about doing this kind of bucket list travel when we both had time. We each saved accordingly for just that purpose. Now it seems he's got a case of the skinflint.
Didn't it annoy you when you knew he was being cheap with you, but was using your income to fatten up SD's bankroll?!? How in the world did you tackle that one with him - or did you just take over all finances?
Perhaps with time he will also loosen up. I don't know. But like you, I won't put up with it for long if it negatively affects my life and the plans we had agreed upon together for years.
I agree with what was said
I agree with what was said before, that if he does not budge about going with you, you should plan to go on your own or with someone else. But obviously, that will be a disappointment for you not to be able to share this dream trip with your DH.
If he won't go with you, I think you should absolutely bow out of ANY other trip to his family.