Annoyed but it's my fault
SD is going to be 13 but has the listening skills of a 5 year old. DH went to work at 6am and assumed I'd take SD to camp since I am off and did yesterday. Fine. I told her at 6:50am that she could sleep in an extra hour since I wasn't going to take her into closer to 9. I had an errand to run and didn't want to take her, go back home, waste time, etc.
I get back from walking the dogs at 7:30 and she's finished breakfast. I tell her if she doesn't want to wait another hour to leave, she can call BM since she's less than 5 minutes away and SD likes being to camp early. SD calls BM and says that "SM can't take me to camp"!!!! I call her into my room after the phone call and she says BM will get her in 10 minutes.
I ask if she told BM that I wasn't going to take her to camp. I get the "deer in headlights" look. I reiterate to her that I told her that if she didn't want to sit around for another hour, she can ask BM to get her, not that I couldn't/ wouldn't take her. All I get is "oh". She was told this twice before she called BM then still threw me under the bus.
THEN, she walks out the front door without saying bye. Typical, careless SD. I open the door and ask if she can't say bye. Her response? "BM was here so I just left". I tell her, again, to not tell lies about me to BM and that I fully intended to take her to camp but gave her the *option* to go earlier if she didn't want to wait an hour then told her to have the decency to say bye next time. I dont know why I do this to myself.
ETA: I text BM to clarify because I'm 99% sure SD didn't even though I told her to. BM said she "appreciates the 'adult communication' and that's 'all she asks for'". Frikking gag me. This is coming from the woman who hasn't consulted DH about pick ups or drop offs in months since she allowed SD to have her cell phone at her house and only communicates with SD. "Adult communication" my ass. That sure is rich. In her defense, DH gives her all of that control.
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Tell DH the SM taxi is
Tell DH the SM taxi is retiring. I would be done transporting this kid or suggesting alternative modes of transport.
SD knows exactly what she is doing when she lies to bm about you.
As the wise WOB has always said, "Don't do favors for assholes."
I definitely feel like she
I definitely feel like she knows what she's doing then acts dumb about it when I confront her. Like yesterday with her paint stained shorts! If you missed it, I told her to change them and when she didn't, she lies and tried to tell me that she has two of the same pair. I know that, but the second pair weren't the ones she was wearing! I called her out on that, too.
DH says SD "needs" to be with us 50% so I definitely will start cutting back on transporting the brat because she sure doesn't need me.
I understand why you get
I understand why you get involved, but you should step back. If she's wearing paint stained shorts, let her. She's almost 13, she can figure out if her clothes are clean and put on new ones, and if she doesn't care, why do you? Again, she's almost 13. You are going to drive yourself insane worrying about things that no one else cares about. If it doesn't impact you directly, don't get involved.
I just wouldn't want my own
I just wouldn't want my own kid wearing the same clothes for a week so I try to give SD the same courtesy as a "caring adult". I also understand what you're saying about being too involved. I am just used to doing most of the "parenting" in our home so it's hard for me to step back, even with the mistreatment. Lying is not ok with me, even if it's just because she's a lazy ass.
H needs to start doing the
H needs to start doing the parenting so you're not so stressed out over all the BS. Stop playing "driving Miss Daisy" and let her mother or father do the transporting. The fact that she lies over the dumbest and simplest of things would keep me far away from her.
@ Siemprematahari- I'm
I'm thinking the lying is really making me not want to be around her, especially because she uses lies to manipulate things in her favor.
She doesn't want nor
She doesn't want nor appreciate that "courtesy" of your attempts of being a "caring adult" , so why keep forcing it?
You're trying to do/be someone she doesn't want for herself. She's happy enough having her BM and Dad with their poor parenting ways.
Obviously BM was right there at home available to run over and take the kid to camp. Dad too was right there this morning and could have dropped her off at BM for earlier arrival at camp or came home and taken her around 8-ish. It's no big deal for either of her parents to have done the transportation.
What neither of her parents would of noticed ( or cared about had they noticed) was socks being the same for a week or paint stained non-laundered shorts. The child, herself, also isn't blind. She could see the stain when she likely grabbed the shorts off her bedroom floor and slide her legs into them. She didn't care.
You keep putting yourself out there to be disrespected, and to get your feeling hurt when SD rejects your "caring adult" routine.
For what it's forth, I wouldn't care if SD called Mom and said "SM won't take me to camp until 9am, I want to go now". It would be truthful and nothing against you, just a simple truthful statement. You are not taking kid until 9am. That's the plan.
Now whether SD telling Mom " SM can't take me to camp today" is a huge lie mean to speak evil of you or in SD speak meant merely "SM can't take me to camp when I want to get there because she's a bad person who just doesn't care if I'm not early" or exactly what it meant.... does it really matter? BM knows what it's like with this kid. Those two fight constantly, or at least they did up until BM decided to let Dad finally have a taste of his daughter 50% of the time.
BM is well aware of her daughter's crap and mistruths and misleading comments.
SD best get use to you not going to be available at her beck and call when SD demands a ride or a favor from you. Once baby arrives, baby actual baby important needs will take front and center over whether SD gets to camp (or school or a friend's or an appointment et) at 8am vs 9am unless it's Mom and Dad doing the transport.
You might as well get Sd use to it now. You don't now nor will you post baby be running on Sd time.
"Those two fight constantly,
"Those two fight constantly, or at least they did up until BM decided to let Dad finally have a taste of his daughter 50% of the time. BM is well aware of her daughter's crap and mistruths and misleading comments."
I hope this is right. SD is pretty much the laziest kid I've encountered. She will cut corners when a task is too difficult. I guess it really doesn't matter what she told BM- SD really isn't my responsibility anyway. As to DH having SD 50% of the time- that's laughable. He is a bare minimum parent and I sure hope he takes more responsbility with our child.
But you shouldn't be doing
But you shouldn't be doing most of the parenting in your house. If you do, you are going to hold so much resentment when you have your baby. My skid is with us 100% of the time and I do 10% of the parenting at best. And I understand about the lying, my skid is the lyingest liar of all of liardom, but if you don't give her the opportunity to lie, you won't have to hear the lies.
Do you have 'ours' kids? And
Do you have 'ours' kids? And did you have to push your DH to actually be a parent because you took on much of that responsibility early on?
Retired Taxi Driver
I myself am a retired taxi driver as well.... For 2 years I drove the step brats to baseball games, school events, whatever where ever... Even rearranged my weekend work schedule to leave in the middle of my shift every other friday to pick them up from where ever only to now that I am not needed.... they dont call they dont text they dont act like I am a human bc they have "no use for me" anymore. F THAT!!! And my DH acts like BM is the ruler of all things... he gives her more power than Ive ever seen! He bitches about her one min and then shuts up and does whatever she says the next! I feel your pain sister..... vent it out it helps.... oh and wine!
"And my DH acts like BM is
"And my DH acts like BM is the ruler of all things... he gives her more power than Ive ever seen!"
Ain't that the truth?! It just hurts my feelings because I've been in her life for longer than not and I can't comprehend why she would treat me that way. She's a teenager, blah blah, but I have feelings, too!
You realize that coaching her
You realize that coaching her through the things she already knows is just babying her, correct?
She'll learn to not wear stained or smelly clothes when another kid tells her. Or her teacher tells her. Or she smells herself. She KNOWS what to do, but doesn't have to think about it or care because you're there in the background coaching her.
The only two times I get on the boys about hygiene is if I can smell them (or know I will smell them) and about brushing their teeth because I don't want massive dental bills. Both those issues have a potential impact on me, so I say something about it.
Also keep in mind that if she lies TO BM that she also lies ABOUT BM. Her sob stories to you all abour how much she hated BM's and how BM treated her were probably exaggerations. BM and DH havr been conned by their own daughter, but neither seem to realize it (though I think BM is starting to see it).
Just disengage. This isn't going to change.
She smelled like the worst BO
She smelled like the worst BO on Tuesday when I took her and, of course, she doesn't use the deodorant I bought her over 6 months ago. She also has no problem wearing a bright blue bra with a white shirt. I am just trying to help the kid out!
"Also keep in mind that if she lies TO BM that she also lies ABOUT BM. Her sob stories to you all abour how much she hated BM's and how BM treated her were probably exaggerations. BM and DH havr been conned by their own daughter, but neither seem to realize it (though I think BM is starting to see it)."
This is very correct, even though I didn't want to accept it before. Now I just need to work on disengaging and finding a therapist.
You tried helping. It failed.
You tried helping. It failed. Let the camp refuse to let her participate because she smells, or a kid laughs at her for her bra.
You correcting her isn't working, so let someone else do it.
Try and let the bra thing go.
Check out how many teenage girls dress - it is often the norm for a bra to show under the shirt or for the straps to hang out. This is one battle you can quit fighting. If she gets teased about how she looks she will change.
She's pushing your buttons
She's pushing your buttons and you are losing because she is getting the reaction she wants. The only way to win is to care less than she does.
It took me a few times
Of hurt feelings, before I closed my taxi service down. I took Munchkin SD12 to not one but TWO freaking bday parties for the same kid, and had to schedule my time around them, and with travel time each day was up to 4 hours I had to block out. The deal was she was supposed to help me, by pulling weeds and filling our green waste can up.
She was very enthusiastic about that right up until a few hours prior to parties. I even had to say something like, you havent really helped me at all, do you think you can do it after the party? And she grows silent because she could tell I was getting irritated. I even made sure she had food prior, because neither parties included food or even snacks. I even paid for roller skating. And went on time to do pickup whereby she then asked for more time to skate (after three hours on a sunday I was dun!) All that driving around and blocking time, for her to give me attitude and not even a "thank you". It was a test and she failed, so I do not do that anymore. When she wants to do something with her frirends, she needs to organize rides with her parents or she doesnt go. Period.
Your ungrateful SD, shes old enough to realise that you are going out of your way for her. Her grossness - she is probably becoming dependant on you "nagging", so she doesnt even think about it. Munchkin, she starts to get "shiny" after a few days, and she can go WEEKS without a shower. I dont mess around with that - in front of her father (who is kind of embarrassed) I will state "You need a shower, now or later tonight". No questions, no asking, just telling and then if it doesnt happen I become a "hovercraft". And will get a towel an put it in her hands. Part herding dog, I am learning...slowly.
The BO thing - whew that kid needs to be hosed down! Perhaps then she will get it. When Munchkin gets particularly dirty, he just laughs, and sais, well, dont have to worry about boyfriends! SEriously, he thinks it will be an effective boy deterrent!!!!
Our BM, she isnt that much cleaner actually.
TWEENS are EVIL
I had alot of the same hostility towards me, when I started dating my husband 5 years ago. We lived together and I was asked to drop SD off at Camp during summer. I took her and she didn't even say goodbye. When I would pickup SD she was used to being spoiled with a Icee by her dad. SD got all upset when she would ask me after camp and I would respond, No not everyday. Some days when I picked her up she would turn her who body towards the window and ignore me. It was soo hurtfull to me. Her mom even told her not to drink from my cups or use our toilet, because SM may have coodies. I still have a huge amount of anger for the BM. MY SD is 15 now and likes to use my husband against me when I tell her No for something. Her BM also likes to let her dress, trashy in my book. She's 15 and should have every creep staring at her in Walmart because you buy her tiny shirts.Our SD are ungrateful and we deserve~way more consideration!