While the situation of a partner's kid(s) randomly showing up forever is unique to step situations, having your world turned upside down by random events is not.

How would you handle this if it were your DH's parent with dementia? Would you welcome them with open arms, even though their behavior will be erratic at best and the timeline for how long they will stay will be indeterminate?

These kids are unwell because they have been abused. They are the responsibility of your husband to raise now that BM no longer can. Unfortunately, as a stepparents, our wants in this situation don't hold a candle to the needs of our partner's kid(s). Whether you like it or want it, your husband has to deal with it.

Is it unfortunate that it will impact you and, by extension, your daughter? Yes. However, this is one of those low points in a relationship that you just have to push through. You have a right and reason to complain and be scared, but you need to pick someone else to share your thoughts and feelings with, like venting on here or talking to a counselor.

Your DH doesn't need or want more negativity at the moment. His kids, who he probably grieved losing as if they had died, are now back for...a week? Month? Year? Forever? He is not only faced with the prospect of being a dad to three kids, but potentially losing the oldest two again like before. He's faced with two kids who may hate him and purposefully make his life hell. He is now also faced with the possibility of his wife leaving and taking his other child. That's A LOT of stress.

Basically, right now, it isn't about you and your feelings. I rarely say that to a stepparents, but you need to step back and SUPPORT your DH versus looking to be the one who is supported. I highly encourage you all to find individual counselors, especially for you so you have someone to talk to and vent your frustration to. If you want to save your marriage, you need to support your DH and cope with your feelings of wanting something different from reality. Once the kids are with you all, THEN you can start worrying about how it makes you feel.

I'm not saying you can't feel these things. I'm just saying you're using the wrong outlet.

I wonder how DH's sister feels about having two kids dropped on her? Sounds like she's dealing with it. And you will have to as well. 

But you will also have to need to put in place absolutely as much support as you can. Professional. Family. Friends. Other people to talk to and vent to. 

And you will have to pick your moments about when you have really essential discussions like who is doing the childcare for the older two, who is going to pick up the extra domestic responsibilities, etc. A lot of guys (including my ex) assume that because you're a woman you'll do it all - and that's not fair and will lead to burnout and resentment. 

Another way to look at the impact on your daughter is - what would the impact be on her if dad has to choose between her and the older kids who don't have another reliable parent? What would be the impact on her if she finds out later that dad chose to ignore his duty to her elder siblings because you were having a (an understandable) wobble? 

Yes, this sucks. 

Hi Lozzy92!  Hugs to you!  You definitely need some.  I am a veteran.  Hopefully, more will respond to your post.  Some more experienced than I and with children of their own.

You made this comment, "No one has stopped to ask how I'm feeling about this or the impact this will have on our daughter."  That, very unfortunately, is the life of a SM.  Pretty much, no one EVER asks you how you feel about the impact any move from someone in the initial family will have on you, whether that impact may be large or small.  You are not the first here to have your world shaken upside down when what you thought was going to be a part-time SM situation suddenly became a permanent one.

There are many points to be taken with this argument.  It is correct that random events can occur in any marriage or relationship to throw the world's biggest wrench into it.  But, I'm going to tackle this from the SP side or SM side, because it is so rare for anyone to see that side and to address it, and that is what most of us come here for. 

Going back to your comment, ""No one has stopped to ask how I'm feeling about this or the impact this will have on our daughter."  All I can tell you, is you are very correct about this stmt., but, on the other hand, in this type of situation, no one ever will.  When it comes to divorce and custody, the court system only looks at the children of that divorce and only looks at the parents of those children.  And, in many ways, you can see why.  So, as a SP, you will never get any empathy there.  I know you are expecting empathy from your own husband.  Of course, what woman wouldn't?, but as pointed out above, he wanted to rescue his children a long time ago, and now, in his eyes, he has been given the opportunity.

I'm going on and on here somewhat, but I guess what I'm trying to so politely say is that you are basically screwed.  BUT, before you get ticked off at me, believe me, I know where you are coming from.  There are many SMs here who have found themselves in similar situations where some huge humungous divorce fallout comes their way, and they are left out in the stark cold, naked and afraid, so to speak.  But, sometimes you only have two choices: Take it or leave it.

It is not a bad idea at all for you to see a counselor, even if it is on your own.  You are wise to suspect that there could be a lot of anxiety on everyone's part coming your family's way, and a counselor can help you to prepare and deal with all of this.  Actually, you and your DH and the kids should all be getting some kind of assistance with this.  BUT, I'm not saying you and your own daughter have to bear the brunt of all of this, either.  I'd suggest you talk this over with your DH and counselor and work out something like you'll give this a year and then touch base and see where it goes from there.  Sometimes it is easier to get thru things if you take it a year at a time vs. you are stuck with this now forever!  However, at the end of the day, it may come down to you having to make that ultimate choice of take it or leave it.  Your head is full of "what if" scenarios right now, and I'm the same way.  Try to break those down and take things one day a time for a while.  What ifs certainly don't always occur.  Hugs to you again and take care!!

As a stepmom who had her DH's kids suddenly move in full-time, I can definitely sympathize. You are right that it will turn your life upside down.  The best advice I can give you is to force your DH to sit down and establish rules and boundaries before they come to live with you.  This is key to making it through this hard time.  Let your DH know what behaviors you expect from him and the kids.

Also, have a therapist lined up for the kids before they come to live with you.  These kids haven't had a good upbringing and their probably scared and confused. Despite the fact that their mom is garbage, she is all they know so this is likely traumatic for them.  They are going to need someone to talk too. Try to remember that these kids didn't ask for this.  A little empathy can go a long way.

This will definitely test the strength of your marriage, but you can get through it if you and your DH are both willing to work hard and communicate.

No one is ever fully prepared to be a stepparent at any time or age in their/kid’s life. It sounds harsh but you started this blog by stating dad didn’t have his kids because of BM, well BM isn’t standing in his way now is she? And you don’t know these kids. Five years is a long time for change, they will have issues but they might surprise you too. The sister didn’t birth these kids and they need to go to dad. And I would even suggest dad taking off to NZ to spend a week or two with them to help them adjust and get their school & medical sorted out before uprooting them to bring them back. The best you can do is try to have a little sympathy and help them adjust. 

My sister had nearly this exact same scenario happen to her, except it was only one kid. She and her DH had just recently had a baby girl when DSS showed up on their doorstep with a 5-year-old kid that they said was DH's. Mom had been caught driving under the influence of meth with three kids by three different guys in the car. She and DH had dated in high school, but he didn't know about this kid. 

They did a DNA test. Kid was his. They took him in. 

My sister had a really, really hard time with it. In part, she felt that her joy over her new marriage and her new baby had been stolen from her. Her DH was ex-marine, so empathy was not his strong suit...and they nearly separated over it many times. Then came the nightmare of trying to get full custody...and the BM and Grandma making their life h*** trying to get the kid back. 

It's going on 8 years later, now. My nephew is stb13...he came to them unable to tie his shoe, count to 10, sleep on his own, or go to the bathroom by himself...all kinds of developmental delays from neglect. He's now in honors programs at school, super athletic...a really great kid. 

It was very, very hard for my sister...and the fact that her husband got defensive and never seemed to see her perspective or sympathize with her at all didn't help matters. I think there are some men who are super matter-of-fact. This is my kid. I'm going to do the right thing. It's 'not about you' etc. My sister's heart opened up to this kid when she had her son, who is about to be 5 and absolutely worships his big brother. I think her DH could have helped her warm to the kid a lot sooner with just a smidge more understanding and empathy. 

Your DH would do well...assuming you're going to get these kids...he would do well to empathize with you and hear you out and do his best to minimize the effects on you as much as possible to start out. It will make life better...not only for you but also for him and these kids if he's able to provide you with some support and structure. I imagine it would do you a world of good just to hear something from him along the lines of: "I know this is going to be a huge change to our household, and I'm really sorry about that. I promise...it doesn't take anything away from our baby together or the family we're building." 

Sometimes I wonder if men are just giant babies or giant jerks or giant idiots when they're unwilling to soften these hard life blows even the tiniest bit for their wives. It's like they want to get left...