Greetings, long story short...

I am 21, my husband is mid thirties. We are deeply in love, have been married for one year now and have a daughter who is now 9 months old.

My husband was previously with another woman whom he never married. For around 14 years. They had three children who are now 3,5 and 12. After their breakup the mother who cannot drive and has never worked moved to the other end of the country (we are in New Zealand) to be closer to her mother who can drive her around etc. She is on a benefit and is EXTREMELY bitter about the breakup and at some points refuses my husband to have any contact with his children. It is expensive to travel to the small town where they live and a few times we have travelled all that way she has refused him any access. Over the past few months she has allowed him to call the kids, but on the condition that he is on speaker phone so she can hear every word being said and pipe in her opinions and objections whenever she likes.

This usually ends up in my husband saying goodnight to the kids early because the abuse being hurled in the background is just not acceptable on any terms.

The 12 year old daughter has been treated like a best friend to the mother rather than a daughter. She abuses her father, repeating her mothers words and only ever speaks to her father when she wants to demand money from him. This daughter and I used to get along very well, and I'd send her parcels with clothing and toys for her and her siblings. But gradually the mother filled her head with bitterness and I now only hear from her when she wants me to get her father to send money when he has said no - which is usually because she refuses to treat him with respect.

They have very little money, and although my husband pays a hefty child support bill the mother of his children struggles on her benefit and we often need to send clothes, shoes and other such items. We have no problem with doing this, but although we are helping to provide for them, she will treat my husband depending on what mood she is in.

The younger children love and miss their father dearly. If we could afford to see them more we would, but we cannot afford the risk of paying for the expensive flights then the mother being angry usually because I have flown down to accompany my husband and refusing the kids to see their dad.

We have tried counselling through the family courts, but the mother would not attend. We are saving to try to take her to the family courts so we can have the kids during the school holidays, but the mother said she would fight to the grave to stop this from happening. My husband and her have been texting and calling about the children in the past week more than ever, but usually ends in him receiving abuse unless he "greases" up to her. I'm having trouble myself having to put up with having his ex in our lives everyday. I know he despises her for all the hurt she has caused the kids. Secretly I liked it when she would go about her stints of "no contact" because It would always just be my husband, myself and our daughter and no dramas attached - but then theres my stepchildren. They are missing out on their father and are always sick because the mother sits on her bum and never cleans.

There was a stage when the mother and I got along - but after telling me to jump off the pier I've had to ignore her. I can understand her bitterness, her man left her and now he is married to a younger woman and has a new family. But the only person she is hurting is her children. It breaks my heart and brings me to tears knowing they miss their father and the only chance they get to speak to him their mother and older sister keep yelling "you're a loser" down the phone to him. What sort of life are they going to have in the future...? I hope one day they will live with us.

Any opinions, answers, advice is appreciated.. its a tough one I know!!!

Thanks all!!!