OT - school drama
My son is back with me today after a few days at his dad's. It's his last year of primary school. Yesterday all the kids were asked to write memories for the school yearbook or some such memory piece. I couldn't quite make out the full details but apparently he wasn't super complimentary about his school (which his dad and I and my partner all agree is not very good) and wrote something about how he expected his next school to be better. He says he didn't say anything really bad about the school, but I haven't seen the paper and I have my doubts. I have not really held back at home about how bad I think the school is and neither has my partner or my ex, partly because we think he's going to have a rude awakening when he goes to secondary school in a few months and we want him to be prepared at how behind he will be compared to the other kids, some of whom have been at private schools - and that he should know he's going to have to work hard to catch up.
Anyway, apparently the headmaster saw the 'memory' and called DS into his office and proceeded to berate him and yell at him. He made fun of him for the bad quality of the writing (this I'm not in doubt about - I'm sure it was awful - if he is rushed it often is - he struggles with this although he's great at math). The headteacher accused him of calling the school trash and said my son was trash. Obviously this is all coming from my son and the wording seems slightly odd as although I'm American, this is England and 'trash' isn't used so much. My son (11) said he broke down in tears and that the headteacher continued at him for the rest of the day and he had to re-write the 'memory' and was threatened with missing the end of school trip.
I'm not sure how to deal with this, because obviously I don't want my son to miss his end of year trip, but I'm absolutely furious. He has complained in the past about how this teacher picks on him on school trips and I shrugged it off but it emerged today that even another mother who was on the trip agreed that he was being picked on.
No matter what my son did (and I'm sure he was quite cheeky in the memory piece) it doesn't excuse being treated in that way. Part of me wants to keep a low profile on this as he doesn't have much longer in that school and I don't want to risk him being excluded from the laser tag trip. But I'm not sure if he might be anyway.
I should add that my son is always asked to go on school sporting trips and it's definitely not because he's good at sport, but rather because the coach likes him and I think they know they can trust him to behave well, so while he can be impudent at times and thinks he's being clever I've never had a bad report on his behaviour.
This same head teacher really pissed me off one time because when I asked him about support for selective places at secondary school and he basically told me that I shouldn't try to push my son too hard because he might not do well in a competitive academic environment. Which is complete bollocks. Both his dad and I work in intellectual fields and are highly educated. As is my partner. And I am well aware of my boy's strengths and deficits academically and otherwise and I know that he has the potential to compete at a high level and attend a top flight university. Of course, if he's anything like me or his dad, he'll fail to live up to that potential in his 20s, but there's no doubt he should be able to achieve well in secondary school.
My instinct is to write a strongly worded letter or to go down to the office and raise holy hell about him basically bullying my son. But I'm not sure what to do.
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You paint two very different
You paint two very different pictures of your son.
In one, he is a kid who is bullied and held back by the school in his abilities.
In the other, he is ornery and difficult to deal with, in addition to being a slacker.
My guess is that the truth is somewhere in between. My guess is that he is smart but not motivated. The headmaster may be very correct in his estimation that your son would do well in a competitive environment. That's not saying your son isn't intelligent; it's saying that he doesn't put forth the effort to be an academically successful student. Intelligence in only part of what a student needs to succeed. It doesn't do any good to put an unmotivated kid in an academically challenging class if they aren't willing to do the work. They'll hold others back.
Additionally, kids skew the truth when they know they will get in trouble. I wholeheartedly believe he got yelled at for his conduct. What I doubt is that he got called "trash". I could TOTALLY see an older child being told, "it hurts me that you called the school trash; you wouldn't like it if I called you trash or something you liked trash." That can easily be misconstrued as the teacher calling him trash.
Before going Mama Bear, gather the truth as seen by the headmaster. See what your son actually wrote. Decide if, after that, he is WORTHY of going on the trip. No, I don't think kids should be punished for sharing their memories even if those memories are bad. However, there are polite and respectful ways of doing that, and if your son was neither, that needs to be addressed regardless of what the headmaster said. Even if the headmaster treated your son poorly, if your son behaved poorly, he should receive consequences for his own integrity.
He's not difficult to deal
He's not difficult to deal with - but can be cheeky AND a slacker - and he is just 11. Having gone over it one more time for his stepdad last night - he was really clear that the headmaster called him a 'trash student' - so I actually now believe those words were used. I know I probably don't have the whole truth but I believe there has been a breech of professional conduct. I tend to believe my son because actually something very similar happened to me when I was about his age. I moved into a new school mid-year and was being severely bullied by the other kids (I mean really, really bad - the kind of thing that would be dealt with more harshly these days) - I was having a hard time at home too and when I was in the office one day taking refuge from the bullying (it was that bad) I said "I hate this school." And the principal tore me a new one instead of dealing with the issue at hand. Frying pan to fire.
My son is upset because actually his behaviour - other than this - has been really good - and this is in a class where behaviour has been a real issue. He's not avoiding getting in trouble with me, becaue that's not the kind of thing that I would flip about and he knows it. He's already been told by me and my partner that he knew what he wrote was the 'wrong thing', but neither of us think it was worthy of the reaction.
I've had issues with this school for a long time because of their lack of support for my son and for their lack of aspiration. Every parent/teacher conference (except for one year with one teacher) we (me and his dad) have been the ones to say that his performance isnt good enough. Unfortunately, he only gets homework support at home when he's with me as his dad won't help him with homework because of his own 'childhood trauma' (no joke). We have pushed for him to have more support on handwriting because it is really bad. But they just say things like "Well, what he does write is creative and his vocabulary is good."
The headmaster is frankly full of crap where my son's abilities are concerned. And if you just say "oh well, you're too lazy to make a good student" then that's exactly what will happen. Self-fulfilling.
All of that is fair. But
All of that is fair. But before you take your son at his word, talk to the headmaster. If the headmaster feeds you a line, proceed with whatever process the UK has when filing a complaint against a school.
However, you admit your son did this purposefully. Is this the first time he has been ornery? If not, it doesn't take long for a school to get really fed up with the behavior. They have hundreds of other students that they have to keep in line and teach. One student can derail an entire class with their cheekiness. It may not be a big problem that requires lots of intervention, but it can a problem nonetheless.
Also, your XH's childhood trauma around homework is no excuse to push the school to help your son further. Again, they have hundreds of kids, many with parents who don't have the cognitive ability to help. You and your XH do, and your XH needs to figure out how to tackle his own trauma in order to help his son. You cannot expect the school to step in and provide extra help when your son is meeting the marks they need him to hit AND his father could be capable of helping. Not the school's job.
Basically, both your child and the school can be wrong. Your son knowlingly did the wrong thing and the natural consequence was to get in trouble with the headmaster. Had he not done what he did, the headmaster may have left him be. I'm not excusing the headmaster if he took it too far, but this is an excellent example of how things can get out of hand when we purposefully provoke others. This is a lesson my YSS, who is just a little older than your DS, has had to learn multiple times. All because you can say/do something doesn't mean you should, and sometimes the consequence is worse than expected.
Oh my SO and I did tell him
Oh my SO and I did tell him that what he did was foolish and that we hoped he'd learned his lesson about provoking petty people. But my son has been basically 'no trouble' in a classroom that has had serious discipline issues with other children - he has never had a bad behaviour report since the age of 5 when he hit a child who bit him so bad it left marks - so I'm well aware that misbehaving kids can take away time from other kids - as has been the experience of the school. And yes it is the school's job both morally and statutorily to meet my son's educational needs (within reason) - this school has not been good enough on that front.
I'm not excusing my ex around his failure to do homework. It's a BS excuse at best. If he had been a responsible husband and father I would still be with him. It's just a shame he has as much time with my son as he does - I was at a low ebb when I agreed - I feel I was coerced into agreeing it and now that it's a pattern it's unlikely to change (so I've been advised legally). What it does mean is that when my ex has him the homework that is handed in has been really quite bad and I can only do so much in my just over 50% of the time. And thus far I have refused to be the parent who ONLY makes him re-do homework, etc. When we do final settlement however, I will be asking for more time with my son in advance of key exams, because my ex just won't do the work.
And obviously I'll be asking to see headmaster to get his side of things - but I think he's quite likely to lie to me and diminish - he has a lot to lose - actually my son doesn't. And I really want to see what my son actually wrote if there's still a copy to hand. I'm a professional person so I won't be heading in there yelling. But I don't think I can let this pass.
I talked to colleagues here this morning - people who have met my son - and they were shocked by his account.
If the school is THAT bad,
If the school is THAT bad, and you and your XH are both intelligent and successful, why keep him in such a horrible school? For 6 years your son has languished, his father hasn't helped with filling in the gaps, yet you kept him at the school and blame the school???
Also, talking to the headmaster does zero good if you aren't going to go in with an open mind. You already disrespected the man to your son by calling him petty, and you already think he is going to lie. You have already gone Mama Bear, and unless you look at this objectively, you're just going to confirm your biased attitude that the school is ALWAYS at fault.
Additionally, you weren't coerced into 50/50 custody. That should be STANDARD. If he was that bad of a husband, why on Earth did you let him become your son's father? His failings as a parent are squarely on him, but you failed your son by making a man who you want to take custody away from his father.
Your son's educational needs have been met. He is going on to secondary school. If you want more than the bare minimum, you'll have to put in the extra effort. That's what primary school is there for - bare minimum education to equalize students so they can differentiate their talents as they get older.
Sorry that I am sounding harsh, but you're spreading the blame around to everyone else except yourself and your son. You failed your son by choosing a less than stellar partner as his parent, and by keeping him in a less than stellar school that didn't meet your standards, and by trashing his school around him so he had no other opinion to have than a negative one. Your son has failed himself by not taking responsibility for his own work and actions, and not trying to succeed past the bottom rung of success. This is all fixable if everyone just admitted that this whole 6 year experience was bad and everyone will try to have a positive experience in the future.
Wow - so so many assumptions.
Wow - so so many assumptions. Beginning with he's not actually been at that school for 6 years. And while the school is crap - I've been pretty open about the mistake that my son made. You simply have no idea whether my son's educational needs have been met or not. And there is no reason that a professional's behaviour - as described was ok. It's not ok.
I'm sure glad everyone else on here has never made a mistake with choice of partner.
And yes I did fail my son in letting his dad have more custody than he should have. 50/50 should not be standard when only one parent has been doing the parenting or has been abusive.
I can't believe the acceptance of authoritarian abuse here. It's really pretty amazing.
Done. Done. Done.
Never once did I say accept
Never once did I say accept abuse. I said don't ASSUME abuse happened without gathering all the facts.
Telling my YSS to eat his dinner as provided will reduce him to tears. Him losing a game against OSS will reduce him to tears. Getting mad at him will reduce him to tears. Tears alone are not an indication of guilt of the other party. It's an emotional reaction to overwhelming and/or unpleasant stimuli.
And never once in your previous posts did you mention Dad being abusive. Your first post made Dad sound good and smart. The second made Him sound lazy. Now he is abusive?
Look, I'm going to call it how I see it. How I see it is that you don't have enough information to make ANY judgment. You don't even know for certain what your son wrote. Could be that the headmaster is the biggest D in the world. Could be that your son wasn't truthful. Either way, you seem to have made up your mind against the school.
Like you said, people make mistakes. Your son may have made a BIG one (relatively speaking) with what he wrote. Before you jump to conclusions, be open to the possibility that your son could be lying.
Best of luck.
Oh my ex is smart and clever,
Oh my ex is smart and clever, but he's also lazy and abusive. He has a good job but a lot of unmet potential. He can be all these things. He understands education but isn't willing to work with his son to help him achieve what he has (with the help of his parents, sometimes in a pretty horrible style I will admit). He is negligent - leaving my son alone for over an hour even when he was like 5 or 6 and I have evidence that it's been hours lately. I have no idea if he's continuing to be verbally and emotionally abusive, but he certainly was when we split. He's not a nice guy. But he is smart.
My son is unlikely to be lying - he's not that good a liar - but he MIGHT WELL be ommitting some pertinent details, but he's been grilled twice - once by me and once by me and my partner. It's not my style to go in and accuse people of stuff, but I cannot imagine a professional saying "Yes I was abusing my power by yelling at an 11 yr old - I lost it - please forgive me, I know this is actually a disciplinable and potentially sackable offense. I accept my fate."
I don't actually care if the 'memory' was full of vile expletives and personal libel and a drawing of Catherine the Great and her horse, it was still an inappropriate and unprofessional response. If it had been like that, I would have punished at home as well, but I'd still not find the headteacher yelling at my kid to be professional behaviour. If that was the case, then yeah, keep him back from the trip, but I'm 99.9% certain it wasn't and if it were my kid wouldn't have brought this matter to my attention at all because he actually knows I'm not a softie on those kinds of things. We asked him if the 'memory' had any of that stuff in it. he said it didn't. He knows I have a track record of finding this stuff out. And so far the school has not said WORD ONE to me or to his father about any of this. If my son had behaved all that badly, maybe they would have?? And maybe they wouldn't have allowed him to represent his school at a tournament today (which he did)? He wasn't invited along for his batting prowess, that's for sure. He's consistently invited to these events because he's actually really well behaved and compliant for the most part and won't embarass the school. My son doesn't cry at the drop of a hat. He has to be pretty darn upset for that to happen. It has to major drama for him to even mention something bad has happened at school.
Frankly this is how institutions get away with abuse for so long - the kid MUST be lying right? And any parent who questions is just a troublemaker who is too easy on their kid and is raising a menace to society.
I am all for open opinons but
I am all for open opinons but I think your son might have missed the point of the assignment. It seems from what you wrote here based off of what you heard from him, he didn't write about a memory at all but instead spent the opportunity talking about what he didn't like about the current school and wanted from the new one. I can understand the teacher being upset about that. And I agree with the other poster that he is a teen and will skew the story to fit him as he sees necessary (not getting in trouble again by you)
Oh there's no doubt that he
Oh there's no doubt that he 'missed the point' - and delliberately. He knew very well he was supposed to write something trite and saccharine about his happy times at the school. I've no objection to him being told off - it's the degree of it and the method.
The ironic thing is is that now this will probably be one of his key memories of the school. He said the school picture was taken just after the headteacher was yelling at him and he's in the school picture sobbing.
also not a teen
he's 11 - in England - kids start secondary school at 11. IMO, too young, I wish they had a middle school system here, but they don't.
So all of the adults in his
So all of the adults in his life undermine the school and everyone in it by talking trash about it. And you're surprised he acts like a disrespectful brat ("cheeky"...sure) to the teachers and headmaster?
You and his father should have kept your opinions about the school to yourselves or put him in a school that had your approval. By making your complaints known to the kid, you gave him the green light to pull shit like this. I'm sure he's been acting out in all sorts of ways at school due to your undermining. The headmaster was probably getting a lot off his chest and super thankful he no longer has to deal with this kid who has been taught to be disrespectful toward his school because his parents don't like it.
Keep undermining the other authority figures in his life (much like a parent who openly undermines their ex with shared children) and you will keep having problems with him. Keep making excuses for him and he will continue making poor choices. Keep blaming the teachers and headmaster and he will keep doing poorly in class.
wow - so full of the hate
wow - so full of the hate
Hate? LOL
Hate? LOL
I'm not sure what part of my post was hateful. Sorry, not sorry, you won't find sugar coated opinions on the internet, doll.
Having worked in education, I'm all too familiar with your brand of "parenting." You'd blame the ex, the school and the milk man if it means sparing your kid from consequences of his poor choices.
He's only 11. I feel sorry for the next batch of teachers who get stuck with him. It's not even the kid's fault. He is only doing what you've taught him to do.
Yep, I know hate when I see
Yep, I know hate when I see it. And I also know assumption making when I see it. You didn't ask a single question and simply assumed what my parenting style was.
I don't spare my son from consequences. But they have to be FAIR ones. Reducing an 11 yr old to tears, yelling at a child and calling him names isn't a fair consequence. Believe me if that was assigned as homework and he produced an answer like that I would have never let that fly. But neither can I let abuse of power fly either.
Oh and my SO and my ex also work in education and are appalled by what's happened. They work at tertiary level and see the consequences daily of kids who get away with everything - including schools who just pass their work and praise kids and don't pull them up for flaws in academic work. Of which my son has many in English - though not in math.
I tell my son the school is crap because I know the next one won't be and the poor standard of work he's been allowed to get away with in that school won't cut it at the next. He needs to be prepared.
Calling a kid a brat who you
Calling a kid a brat who you don't even know is pretty darn hateful. And like I said - I have never, ever, ever once had a bad report about his behaviour from that school. He's been invited to represent the school on many occasions at borough level, including for sport. And he's not particularly sporty - but he does have a sportsmanlike attitude - thanks to years of participation in rugby and our zero tolerance attitude to bad behaviour within the sport (except what you can get away with in the scrum, of course).
If another school had been an option, I would have taken it.