BMs officially can't mind their own damn business
As an update to my previous blog, BM called DH about a birthday party that we went to on Sunday. This party was for a dear family friend and very prominent member in our community so we had to make an appearane. SD complained that we stayed there for 4+ hours. There were plenty of kids to interact with, henna tattoos, live music, etc. and SD12 chose to sit there and be a hermit, reading her book. Multiple friends and family members tried to interact with SD to only get the same cold shoulder that I talk about she gives me.
DH pretty much told BM to mind her own business and that we don't stay home all the time like she does. He said that SD is socially inept and that he is so sorry (sarcasm) that SD couldn't sit up in her room all night on the laptop and could've chosen to be social. She did have her phone with her. Our arguement was not brought up by BM, and if it was, DH was going to bring up BM being "attacked" in California by SF when the kids were in the next room and GBM broke it up. I wish that BM brought it up! Also, my aunt, 100% sober, took SD to see the new Avenger's movie and made a new friend. Did BM hear about that? Probably not.
BM told DH that she just "gets worried". DH told her that the LAST thing he wants to do is look like a bad dad and would never jeopardize his 50%. BM said that she didn't say that. Of course not. Not directly, anyway. Not that it is right, but we have heard that BM and SF always argue. Adults argue. It isn't right to do it in front of children, but Little Ms. Perfect needs to keep her damn trap shut!
To top it off, last week on MD weekend and for my ssis's birthday dinner, I told SD that she goes home to BM (Friday night on MD weekend) or go with us to ssis's party and stay out as late as we choose. She chose to come with us, and 2 hours in (we hadn't even left the restaurant), SD was griping about going home. In a calm, quiet manner, I asked her what she chose to do. She said that she CHOSE to come with us and knew that we wouldn't go home when SHE wanted. We hadn't even gone back to my parent's house for cake and presents, but SD chose to be a miserable hermit, once again. She even text DH at 10pm and said she was ready to go. He ignored her because she made the CHOICE to stay with us instead of spending MD weekend with BM. SD had fallen asleep in the living room while we socialized on the patio. We left by midnight.
In conclusion, I told DH that he needs to have a "talk" with SD about being a snitch. Just because we don't stay home 24/7 like BM doesn't mean we don't do fun things and that she CHOOSES to be bored and miserable when there is plenty to do to socialize. SD has no problem being social with her friends or people she is comfortable with. DH's aunt even invited SD over to her house this evening to teach her art techniques and show her her brand new studio.
SD chooses to be a "sloth" and is always "sick" because she eats a poor diet, doesn't drink water, and doesn't participate in physical activities. I know he didn't mean it, but DH said if she chooses to be boring and not have fun when we go out, she may as well just live out the majority of her minor years at BM's and be the boring square that BM is. We are not sorry that we live life and do things other than stay in our house. SD only enjoys it when it benefits HER, like the self absorbed preteen she is. I had to do things I "didn't want to" as a kid, but I did it without pouting because I wasn't the boss! Again, SD only heard our voices arguing temporarily, she doesn't know what I said about her not being welcome here when DH is not here. In fact, she is here today sleeping the day away. Too bad I need my laptop to get work done so she can entertain herself some other way.
- I love dogs's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Your DH can have that snitch
Your DH can have that snitch talk with SD, but I doubt it will do any good. SD will tell BM whatever she wants, whenever she wants. Likely, nothing he says will make her stop.
she CHOSE to come with us and knew that we wouldn't go home when SHE wanted.
What WE want, SD, is for you to be civilized and polite - not sit in the corner, sulking and pouting because you don't get your way. WE are the adults and YOU are the child. We see to your needs. What you WANT, in this case, is inconsequential.
I'm sure you're right because
I'm sure you're right because SD "snitches" on BM and SF, too, but I think she's been silenced lately because BM tells her to but we have nothing to hide. Of course, our business is BM's, but BM's is private. DH does tell her to be polite and socialized, but she's just Oscar the Grouch for no good reason. At my ssis's party, she had the CHOICE to go be boring with BM, but CHOSE not to for whatever reason, then griped about exactly what she was told not to. All she wanted to do on Sunday was play an online game on the laptop with her friend. Too bad, honey, we had better things to do that accomodate your interests AND my aunt was kind enough to invite you to a movie and pay for it.
The stop snitching discussion may backfire...
Because she will snitch about it, and then it will become miscontrued as a "lie to your mom about what happens here" conversation, which is well worse than any reality.
Meanwhile, why is your DH engaging with BM on these issues? When BM comes to DH about BS, he needs to shut her down. What SD does or doesn't do when she is with you guys is none of BM's business, and she certainly doesn't get to dictate anything. And if SD has an issue with anything, she should be bringing it to you guys, not to BM.
We have this problem, too. BM likes to function as the skids union rep or something and bring their complaints to us. Funny thing is, they bring their concerns about her to us, too, we just don't care most of the time. Somethings DH has to get involved with, like when BM and her STBXH (LOL) had a knock down screaming match in front of the kids, he needed to say that's not OK, but SD being mad because SS is the golden child isn't worth him engaging on.
DH pretty much told her that
DH pretty much told her that what we do on our time in OUR business. If she wants to take 50% away, fine. It isn't COed so BM can play God like she always does. But, of course, she wasn't judging him, she was just "worried". I'm sure this conversation will never come to fruition and DH will just put his head back in the sand. BM can do no wrong but when DH does something that SD isn't happy with, you bet your bottom he'll hear about it.
Oh, and here's the BEST PART: BM didn't even call DH herself. Nope. She had SD text him to tell him that BM wants to "talk" to him. Why he didn't confront SD when he picked her up? I have no idea.
Because "Games," that's why
She gets a kick ourlt of the game-playing.
Oh you should see my new blog
Oh you should see my new blog! SD is turning into the whiney, "me, me, me" brat that BM is! I can't stand game playing and am more than frustrated with that child right now!
Our situation is completely
Our situation is completely opposite - we are home people - when we have time off work we LOVE to be home, cooking, cleaning etc. SS8 goes home and tells BM that we NEVER take him anywhere - the idea is that he is to spend time with his dad - he gets that. End of story.
We do spend the majority of
We do spend the majority of our time at home. We really do. We cook 80% of the time and watch movies. We always ask SD to watch movie with us, but she "doesn't know". That is her go-to response. For a 12 year old, she sure doesn't know a whole lot of anything. Also, when we DO do something, which is MAYBE once a weekend since DH has Sunday/ Monday off, SD just can't wait to get home to do a whole lot of NOTHING. I''m sure she wouldn't complain about being at the amusement park all day, because obviously it benefits HER.
But you're saying that SS and your DH do spend quality time? If so, what's the fracking problem??
When I first met DH, BM always had "tasks" that SD "wanted to do". Like BM wouldn't get her hair cut with her 95% custody (and $800/ month CASH- $200/ week CS that DH gave her to support SD before the CO), but as soon as DH picked her up on his 3 hours, SD MUST have a haircut because that's what she WANTS to do. He did it, stupidly, but has since gotten much better.
The kid will rat you out
The kid will rat you out whether told not to or not.
If your Dh and you are seriously about the 'no snitching' rule (even though you know it won't be followed), then it needs to go both ways. When SD arrives whining and snitching on BM/SF , she needs to be cut right off. 'Stop, SD, we are not getting involved and we are not listening to it'.
So you will end up with BM still being snitched to and you and Dad not listening to her snitching on BMs house. Which is what he'd be asking of her. So he can not tolerate SD coming to snitch to him and/you.
However, the difference will be, Dad will be clear to tell BM to mind her own business when she calls to 'show concern' and/or complain about what she has been told.. Just like BM would tell Dad.
What shouldn't happen is tell her not to snitch but then listen to her snitch about BM's. That would be like telling her 'do as I say, not as I do'.
As to the outings. Give SD the choice. She comes and behaves or she goes to BM until the next morning or evening, whichever works for both houses. If she comes, she is staying until adult says it is time to leave the outing. If she wants to sit in a corner and read a book, so what? At least she is quiet, not whining and not bothering anyone. Her being anti-social is her problem. You can't make her be a little socialite. You can demand and expect that she is polite when she arrives, sits quietly and minds her own business during the outing and is again polite and thanks her host when leaving.
Some people are just not social. interactive persons. Think of her as the outings wallflower, so to say. But don't fuss over her nor feel sorry for her either. If the majority of her young life has been sitting around evening/weekend after evening/weekend doing nothing but staying home and entertaining herself, she probably is quite comfortable in just sitting in the corner reading her book when out with you and Dad. You and Dad are free to go right on enjoying the outing. She had a choice to come or not, she chose to come. So let her sit there like a blob. Go about the outing and have fun. So what if she whines to BM about what a boring terrible time she had? Remember , Dad is going to start telling BM to mind her own business. SD wanted to go and she went. What else is there to say?
I agree that not listening to
I agree that not listening to the snitching and taking it as gospel anymore is something that *I* need to work on. DH told me to not say anything to SD about his conversation with BM and I am fine with that. If she does feel the need to say something to me, unless it is truly abusive, I will shut it down. SD almost never tells DH about BM's goings on because I'm sure she knows he won't listen. DH essentially told BM to shove it, in a more tactful way, of course, and that if he is such a "bad person" that she can go ahead and stick to the actual CO instead of giving him 50% to keep SD out of her hair for HER benefit.
SD did keep to herself for the most part, but she was calling/ texting (she did sit in the car for almost an hour in hopes that we'd leave) to bother us and complain that we weren't doing what SHE wanted. So for the most part, she was civilized, but 20% of that time, she was being a whiney, selfish brat instead of just chilling or interacting like the other kids. DH said that he will always tell BM to mind her own business when she is "checking up on him" but words and reality can be different when DH is trying to keep her happy to maintain 50%.
I was just talking with some
I was just talking with some step mom friends about my DH's adult daughter, and touched on how difficult her life is because her parents allowed her worst traits to flourish.
Kids and dogs need training, socialization, and regular reinforcement of both. Getting your SD out of the house and teaching her social skills and good manners is so very important, as is putting her in situations where she has to suck it up for the sake of others. Keep it up, and encourage your DH to his daughter explain why it's in her best interest to develop good social skills.
I try to do those things. I
I try to do those things. I should say *tried*. I am so nice to her and do my best to be a good role model and "friend". At this point she just expects it and I can't deal with it anymore. If she wants to sulk and expect everyone to do for her at the drop of a hat, I'm sorry, I am unsigning myself up for that mess. She will socialize if it's on her terms, of course. If you see my newest blog, she expects me to cater to her because she is DH's daughter and she exists. She can't entertain herself so she needs other people to do it and to be at her beck and call. Yeah, I know she's 12, but I will not let her treat me that way.