Graduation
So we decided not to have a grad party for SD. DH & BM decided we would each just give her the cash we would spend on a party instead of having a party. I told DH I wasn't comfortable giving her straight up cash as it would be spent for tattoos, beer, cigarettes and drugs and when she needs something she won't have the money for it and will be looking to borrow money. DH also wants for US to give her $500 cash. I feel like that's a nice chunk of change for someone who doesn't deserve it. I'm tired of arguing with my DH over her and I feel like I should just give in and give her the money however I have an issue with giving someone that much money who openly dislikes me and has called me a bitch to my face, told me she hated me, posted all over social media how much she hates me, someone who has totally disrespected myself and DH, told DH she wishes we were divorced etc. I asked DH to give me one valid reason why she deserves $500? He said "because she is my daughter that's why"
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Hi Capp, I wouldn't give her
Hi Capp, I wouldn't give her anything if I felt that strongly about it. If H wants to do so let it come out of his pocket but I will absolutely NOT have any part on giving her that much money. So if you are completely against it and don't want to argue about it don't do it. If H gets upset, what else is new? He'll get over it!
"because she is my daughter
"because she is my daughter that's why"
Wrong answer!
Because she is HIS daughter
You are under no obligation to put as much as a dime toward a graduation gift. Whatever he gives comes out of his pocket. The end.
Oh, she deserves half a grand
Oh, she deserves half a grand because she exists! Wonderful. Not a single penny of my money would go toward his hateful child.
I really think I would've
I really think I would've laughed in his face. Kinda comical..
Ugh I can see this happening
Ugh I can see this happening in my home. Everyone equal - my ass!
If my DH pulled this stunt I think I would be taking MY $500 and going on a vacation alone during graduation! And he knows it, lightly stepping around how to make it happen WITHOUT pissing me off. Not gonna happen so forget about it.
Good luck. Make it known that there will be consequences and is he willing to die on this bridge just to play good daddy.
"because she is my daughter
"because she is my daughter that's why"
'Yes, YOUR daughter. I will not give one cent to a person who so openly hates and disrespects me. Discussion over.'
If you don't have a joint account
Let him give her as much as he wants. Doesn't mean you have to give anything. I sure wouldn't. She sounds awful. If you have a joint account... I don't know but I would find a way to make sure any of my money wasn't going towards a gift for her.
So with graduation... does that mean CS is ending? That is good, right?
We have joint checking
We have joint checking/savings. Both our paychecks go into one account therefore yes I am giving her a gift b/c it's my money as well.
Do you have separate finances
Do you have separate finances? If so, let him give her the $500 from HIS funds. If not, then if he feels that strongly about giving her $500 from your joint funds, you should also take $500 from your joint funds and put it into your own account. And then split finances immediately so you don't end up in this situation again.
No we have joint accounts.
No we have joint accounts.
Give it to her already
Give it to her already invested, say a CD or savings bond. She won't have direct access to that without a penalty and if you go with a savings bond it will only cost half of face value. Daddy can give her a gift and be smart about it.
Yea, absolutely funnel the
Yea, absolutely funnel the cash into something worthwhile or a goal she has set. For example, if she's going to want a car, tell her she gets a check made out to the dealership when she picks it. If she's going to college, you'll chip in the gift for her next step in life -- not for a tattoo.
I think $500 is a little ridiculous for any gift for a kid. For a lot of us, that's a week's pay, more or less. I usually give $200 when they graduate, marry or any other such event. I only have nieces and nephews, but it adds up.
I totally agree with this!!
I totally agree with this!! $500 is a LOT of money to give a high school kid, even for those for whom $500 is a lot less than a week's pay. It's a crazy amount to give them if it's not going to be used for something worthwhile, like college, a car, etc.
My dad is wealthy and makes a lot of money. He did not give me $500 when I graduated from high school; he took me to dinner at Friday's with the family and a couple friends and there were no gifts. In hindsight, I didn't deserve anything, because I didn't achieve anywhere close to my ability in high school. In my father's world, graduating from high school is expected and is not something to be rewarded with a gift in the absence of hard work and achievement. I have no issue with that, and the message was received loud and clear. It isn't that he's not generous; once I was working and being responsible, my dad contributed to the downpayment on my house. I can appreciate that he rewards behavior he approves of and does not reward barely scraping by. Lesson learned.
Yes $500 is a lot of money.
Yes $500 is a lot of money. No matter what your finances are. We are going to dinner with BM and other family members. I don't feel she deserves it only b/c she basically didn't try her senior year and failed her classes. I don't feel she should be rewarded for this on top of her attitude toward me, DH & BM. I asked DH if this was the real world and she was working and didn't try, came to work hungover, drunk or didn't show up would you reward her for that? Why should she be rewarded for that type of behavior?
She has no life goals! Her
She has no life goals! Her goals are getting drunk, getting high, sex, tanning, getting her nails done etc. She's not going to college and she has no real career in mind.
Does your husband not realize
Does your husband not realize that giving her a big chunk of money is just enabling her destructive, unproductive behaviors? Or does he just not care?
DH doesn't see anything wrong
DH doesn't see anything wrong with what she does. He is for sure an enabler but I believe he learned it from his mom. I'm not sure who is a bigger enabler DH or grandma?
I don't mean this in a bad
I don't mean this in a bad way.. but is $500 dollars a lot to you? I mean, relatively speaking is it a hill to die on?
If your DH makes a markedly larger contribution than you to the household bills (I understand you have joint finances).. then he probably is contributing into the joint pot to a greater extent and it would probably be petty to begrudge him the ability to gift his kid $500... whether you think she deserves it or not.
If you contribute and pay more towards the bills then I think it's more reasonable for you to say... HEY.. look, I am already subsidizing your living expenses here but I am NOT going to watch you give MY money away to your daughter when she has done nothing to earn it. YOU start contributing equally and then we can talk about taking money out of the joint account.
$500 bucks is a lot for a
$500 bucks is a lot for a teenager to manage. It mgiht not be so much about the impact to the parents income but reality about the skid. We are in the middle of a renovation and are facing the same dilemma. What to give SD and give it in such away that BM or her sister can"t take it from her. We'd like to pay for college books but she probably won't need money until she gets to university. She choose CC first. She graduated 14th in her class, is basically a good kid, just at the point where she could be led down a bad path by her older sister or BM. Handing over a chunk like that and hearing it was pissed away is too much for me to handle.
We gave money to both the
We gave money to both the girls... but they had specific purchases in mind and they knew that the well was dry so to speak so squander it.. save it.. whatevery. Your choice but don't come running back when you find your perfect car and are short because you went on a victoria secret shopping spree.
I mean, at a point, I understand not wanting the kid to piss it away. But.. she is going to be on her own making adult decisions with money.. which she will either handle well...or not. Sometimes letting them learn a lifes lesson.. even if it means they make a mistake... is ok.
Though.. I understand the squander part. My DH gave his older daughter a hundred dollars for her birthday when she was in middle school. That was a lot for him at the time since he was having financial issues due to his business. Turns out she had a crush on some loser and decided that she would use that money to buy "blunts" with it to give to him. It was quite a while before she was ever given much spending money after that little stunt. Fortunately, she didn't actually get to the drug buy.. got caught before that... and it was just a real dressing down by both parents.. and intervention on her stupidity. She managed to stay out of the drug zone after that..haha.
Where we live, the dreaded
Where we live, the dreaded open house is a tradition for high school graduates. Most kids walk away with a sizable chumk of change. She will be getting money from all kinds of people. I would much rather put our contribution towards a tangible thing for her future. Her BM is notorious for scamming money out of people. She's one of those that cried poverty as Dh paid over 150,000 over the years to her. She was so "broke" that SD21 lent SD18 $4400 to buy a car. The scams BM comes up with, mind boggling!
^^^ this ^^^
^^^ this ^^^
Can we afford it? Yes. Is
Can we afford it? Yes. Is it still a lot of money? Yes! I do make a decent amount more than DH. We both have decent jobs but I do make more money. We have joint finances so yes, my hard earned money goes to this disrespectful girl.
is it worth splitting
is it worth splitting finances over this? Do you think, since she'll likely not be earning much of anything, that your husband plans to continue to provide support for her? If so, you will probably end up very resentful.
Capp I think your DH should
Capp I think your DH should give her the money, PERIOD, You should let this happen and be relieved that this party that you so did not want to happen is over. Done, not going to happen. Win win on your part.
This is kind of what I am
This is kind of what I am thinking. Give her the money and be done with her. Yes I'm glad I don't have to have a party yet giving this much money to a ungrateful brat is hard for me. DH & I have joint finances so no matter what my hard earned money is going to her.
If and when she just blows
If and when she just blows all this money you have the perfect excuse to use when something else comes up and she needs money. So sorry DH but let SD use her graduation money. Remember we gave her 500 dollars. Your DH can't get himself out of that one.
MY Senior year and graduation experiences...
My SD19, when she graduated, my SO asked that I be there. She claimed only a limited amount of tickets and I was not given one, nor was I invited. SO made a big deal about the fact that I am his partner, and as such would be included, or HE would not be going. And he is the one who has provided for her the most. His older sister offered up her ticket and said she would not be going if he did not go. It went from me thinking "whew I escaped!" to "Crud, now I have to go and honor someone who has told me I am a b!tch, she effing hates me, I am a disgusting person, etc. Winona SD19 was horrible to me for most of the time. Therefore I went, to support SO. We sat on hard benches for 4 hours. He brought a large bouquet and stuffed animal. I took photos. He gave her money. I gave nothing. She took money and took off. Good riddance! No thank yous or anything! She was also not doing well that last year.
I think that given the current situation, whereby this almost adult has disrespected you, there should be consequences, and those consquences mean no handouts. Does she have a job? No plans for college? Well, then. I do not ascribe to the "shes my daughter therefore I must be her ATM" principal. However, I do realize that "thats my spawn, therefore she is always connected to me" exists. Winona SD19, did us all a favor, and "Ghosted" us, meaning after grauation, she got a job a few towns over, and was ubering to our house. Gradually she found another place to live, and hasnt told us where, and rarely has contact. But she is not asking us for anything and thats an awesome place to be. If your sweety wants to be that way about things, then I agree - tell him "lets compromise - - - half that and we dont have an argument!"
Perhaps later your SD will wise up when the money isnt there, and she has to be confronted with "real life".