Capp, if you don't want to be part of this graduation party than don't. Don't spend any of your time, money, or energy on an ungrateful person who doesn't give a sh!t about you. If your H feels a way about it, that's on him. If he and the BM want to throw her a party than by all means let them do so but not with your money or time. I'd tell H that in the most polite way possible and stand firm in my decision. Don't move in your resolve to engage her in any capacity.

Best,

Siempre

"BM told me that even though SD didn't turn out the way she had intended nor graduated  like I hoped she would and is not going to college, it's only right to have a party for her b/c we had one for SS when he graduated."

I'm sorry, this is just hilarious, to me. Sure, throw her a party.

According to your past blogs, this girl is a disrespectful little brat and doesn't deserve crap. I wouldn't spend one penny or one ounce of energy on this.

Teenagers should be EXPECTED to graduate high school. What is it with all of the big high school graduation parties? Especially, if not going to college, because then it's kind of a send off party, as well, but still. Are they just gift grabs or what?

When you say she didn't graduate like I hoped she would.. I'm confused.  Did she graduate? Get her GED instead or something? 

If her BM and her BF want to have a grad party for her for completing her HS education, I wouldn't have a problem as long as the costs were within reason and that my money didn't go to subsidize it.  If your finances are separate that should not be an issue... if they are combined then you will have to negotiate what you think a fair amount is to come out of the budget based on relative spending you may do for things for your side of the equation.

I had disengaged completely from my SD several months before she graduated HS. I didn't go to anything she had at the end of the school year her senior year. I had told DH I was done and when I say i'm done, i'm done. So he didn't even ask. I went to the graduation only because I knew he wanted me to be there but I went in my own car, left when I wanted too. He told her he wasn't doing a party that her mother could. Her mother never paid for anything else during the school year, she never came to anything either, she was sick (eyeroll). She just finished her first year of college, she is in the band, I went to one game, but didn't go to any other of the events she had at the end of the year for classes she was in. I mean I'm done. My child is grown, I have grandkids that i'm more interested in. SD is grown, time to go to school, get a job, be an adult. 

Can you and DH agree to an amount to pay towards a party? At least then you have some say and control over the amount of money going towards this prized specimen. I dont exactly see why this child is entitled to a party for turning out less than expected or for graduating. Wasn't the point to  finishing high school?  Normally without reward.

(You are basically being held to ransom. Sometimes it is worth paying to make the problem go away. Consider this as one of the last payments you makes towards SD ever again. You may want to think of setting up a seperate account for you and a using the joint one for your household and joint expenses. At least then you arent paying for the upkeep or participation trophies for SD.)

Does your DH have the follow-through to plan the party himself? If not, my suggestion is to do nothing. Don't acknowlege it, simple head nods, etc. 

If that is not the case, and he will actually plan the party, then set a budget together. And plan it on a date that your family is suddenly not available :)  Even if they are available, oops they can't make it!

Capp I can understand why you would feel this way. And really any normal thinking person would feel the same way that you do. Rightfully so.

I think that you should let DH and BM do their thing planning the party. If DH talks to you about the party tell him to just do what you want and change the subject.

Here is the good news for you the graduation party is a one time thing. Maybe a few hours out of your day and it is over for good. If you want to go for a fews hour go. If you don't feel like you can than take care of your own needs. Either way it will be fine. A SD like yours can take hold of our thoughts and lives if we let them. Push those feelings aside. HUGS

The party is BUT, paying half on a Car, college ,  Vacations for not working, weddings, ect 

Have to come up with some plan that you are not paying for this.  Have you husband get a part time job to pay for his daughter 

I don't know... the girl "did" graduate.  Whether it was with the honors that other people wanted or the career path that they hoped for... she apparently has another way she wants to go...be a tattoo artist.  I think I would not be totally against the graduation party... but honestly... harking back to MY own time as a partying senior (lived in Germany.. it was the 80's... different time/place).. I had zero interest in doing anything with my family for graduation.  No party etc.. A few kids in my school had them, but most didn't. 

I'm sure it's part and parcel to the new age way of milking people for gifts at every turn in our lives.  I would tell your DH that you personally don't think the girl really merits having a huge party and that you expect the guest list be limited to ensure costs stay under control... set an amount that you agree is reasonably fair.  200? 500?  Whatever it is he needs to stick with it as being his "gift to the grad" from your househould.  Yeah.. technically that means an account that your money goes into pays for some of it... but maybe you could agree that YOU get an equal amount of money to spend on something you wish to do that is "frivolous".

I guess you can also think about the relative contributions into that joint account.  Like if your DH  makes X more than you... you could think of the money coming out of his contributions.  If you contribute more... then it gets a little tougher to justify.