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What things are your financial responsibility?

markwvualum's picture

Submitted by markwvualum on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 11:59am

Forums: 
General Discussion

For example you are dating (not married to or living with) a woman who is divorced and has children from her previous marriage. You still have your own house, bills, etc as you two are not living together and only see each other twice a week. Slowly her house is needing new things (fridge, washer, dryer, new deck,new floors, etc) She bought this house with her ex and he moved out, they divorced, he pretty much ditched her but now he comes over and sees his kids and hangs at her house. Whose financial responsibility is it to pay for the things she needs in her house? She is in a lot od debt and is barely getting by. She wouldnt be living in that house if it wasn't for her ex and having children with him. She also took her kids on several vacations and spend her tax refund and savings on taking her kids to disneyworld, the lake for the weekend, chicago to visit museums and see ball games, etc. Whose responsibility is it for her to pay for her new washer/dryer, fridge, new floors etc? Her own soley? Her new boyfriends? Or her exes? Or all three?

HowLongIsForever's picture

Submitted by HowLongIsForever on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 12:28pm

Solely hers. 

I suppose depending on the decree and what was decided on the house in theory the ex could hold some responsibility.

I'm assuming the place is hers and hers alone since the divorce is final, though.  If that's the case it sounds like she made the mistake of holding onto the house for all the wrong reasons.  

She cannot blame the ex for her continued decision to stay in that property.

If the divorce didn't require a sale, if she made the decision to keep the property in lieu of other assets during equitable division, etc. this house and everything that goes along with it is her decision and responsibility alone.  If she is no longer happy with that decision she can make another one and part with the property.  

notsobad's picture

Submitted by notsobad on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 12:29pm

Hahaha, really? 

So because you are having sex with her you should pay for her home repairs? Or because her ex had sex with her he should pay for them?

JanRebecca's picture

Submitted by JanRebecca on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 1:02pm

If she cant' afford the lifestyle she's living then she should scale back. Dont' start paying for things when you don't live together it will be a dead end one way street!

ndc's picture

Submitted by ndc on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 1:38pm

I'd say it's her responsibility and, to the extent of child support or anything court-ordered, her ex-husband's.  In no circumstance is it your responsibility, and if she thinks it is, I would run for the hills.  No decent woman would expect a boyfriend who she sees twice a week to be paying her bills and repairing her house.  You want to be a beloved companion, not a meal ticket.

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 1:57pm

It is her responsbility unless the exes name is still on the mortgage/home or the exes name is mentioned in the divorce decree that he is also finanically responsible for the home of his children and its upkeep, then its her and the exes responsibility both. It is not your responsibility whatsoever. If she is hinting for you to help her I would be very wary or her motives. Don't be used. Her and her ex decided to have those kids. If they cannot afford them that is no one elses problem but their own. I repeat do NOT be used. If she cannot afford her home and its upkeep she will need to sell it and downsize. It is not your responsibility to save her from her poor choices in men and spending. Those are not your kids. I repeat those are NOT your kids.

Fishoutofwater's picture

Submitted by Fishoutofwater on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 2:01pm

Apparently repairs can wait since they aren’t a priority to her. It’s not your household, so why worry about about repairs and costs that will only benefit the homeowners (gf and xh) when the house is sold. Take care of you and yours. I would be wondering why the ex is coming over to “hang out” and visit. Seems like the relationship is not completely over between them. Good luck. 

Merry's picture

Submitted by Merry on Fri, 04/27/2018 - 2:41pm

Assuming the biodad is paying child support, the responsibility is hers. Solely hers. If you, through the goodness of your heart, want to help her out with household things, have at it, but it is not your responsibility. At all.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sat, 04/28/2018 - 11:28am

If she's just a 2x a week booty call then no you don't have to be the Sugar Daddy. Just don't be surprised when she finds someone else to fill that role and drops you flat.  

georgina29's picture

Submitted by georgina29 on Sat, 04/28/2018 - 1:24pm

Reading your response made me think two things

1. Just because 2 people arent married and do not live together doesnt mean it is just a booty call (especially when children are involved you have to be careful about rushing into things or even moving in together/marrying at all until the kids are grown and out of the house) Why do you think the divorce rates are so high with second marriages? People insist on marrying or moving in together when it just isn't a good idea because of the kids. Why do we have a steptalk page? Because these situations do not lead to happiness most of the time because the kids behaviors, ex, past poor decisions, are just too much to deal with on a regular basis.

2. Whomever his gf meets next will be dealing with the same scenario which sounds like "My main interest is finding a human meal ticket, human ATM to pay for my kids, house, home expenses, bills, etc. since my first marriage did not work out and their father is a loser." So good luck to the next fella. It sounds like using to me.

still learning's picture

Submitted by still learning on Sat, 04/28/2018 - 2:39pm

I agree that it sounds like using but on both ends. As the old saying goes, he's getting "the milk for free without buying the cow."  Yes she wants someone who will help provide and fix things and he wants a part time relationship with no real investment. Sounds like his needs are being met but hers aren't.  How many of us would tell our girlfriend/sister to dump the loser/user who only wanted to see her 2x a week and wouldn't help fix her sink?!  I sure would. Why is it okay for a woman to look for a 1st husband who is a good provider but not the potential 2nd one?  

 

Pear's picture

Submitted by Pear on Sat, 04/28/2018 - 2:34pm

To some extent her ex may have some financial responsibility depending upon their legal agreement.

 

fiscal irresponsibility should be a dealbreaker for a serious relationship.  That is distinctly different than a person falling on hard times.  Sounds like the girlfriend in the OP falls into the irresponsible category.  I would only continue the relationship on a casual level and obviously only if both parties understand it isn’t going to become something more serious.

Old sm's picture

Submitted by Old sm on Sun, 04/29/2018 - 8:59am

She's an adult, it's her responsibility.

I highly suggest you get as far from this type of crazy as possible.  Sounds like you have a good life; you don't need this. Find a woman that doesn't this kind of mess in her life.

DaizyDuke's picture

Submitted by DaizyDuke on Tue, 05/01/2018 - 12:03pm

Her house is her responsibilty and it sounds like her priorities are way out of whack.  Does bio dad pay CS?? 

Listen, it's one thing to help because you WANT to, so maybe you have a friend who is selling a very nice used dryer for $100.00.  You are a nice person and would like to help out so you buy your GF the dryer.  But she should not be asking you to buy the dryer for her because she thinks you have some type of obligation, because you don't . 

The only obligation you have right now is to keep your pecker double wrapped so you don't get trapped into a lifetime of nonsense with this woman.