AJ crazy train came to town
I had an ugly-cry epic meltdown last night in front of my SO. This was hormone fueled mixed with me stupidly stalking my exes facebook yesterday.
I went to SO's, and proceeded to tell him how much him having an addict ex from the same stomping ground my ex is from makes me feel trapped and forever connected to all the horrible stuff I only want to forget and run away from. He retorted "then why do you check up on him?" ... 2 points for SO.
I also ugly cried to him that the fact that I am not sure I will be able to have kids makes me a resentful person and I had sworn off men with kids, only to end up back with a man with a kid. Told him I hate his ex just on principle. I told him the idea of having to share my life with another woman again makes me want to vomit. I said mean things, honest things, semi batshit crazy things (like how I hate hearing about his proud dad moments and it makes me feel a mix of disgust and envy).
He got a little insulted at some of my digs and let me know it (I am rude and sarcastic when I feel hurt, it is a horrible defense mechanism). Then this is what he told me:
-He wants to take care of me.
-He would always make sure his son respects me.
-He is not my ex and I need to stop checking up on my ex and holding onto that misery.
Then he just quietly laid next to me. I am used to volatile screaming matches, "I dare you to hit me," swearing, bag packing, I hate you and hope you die type fights during the last 6 months before I finally walked out the door last summer. So when this "fight" didn't end up escalating, I sort of just sobbed myself into a coma and fell asleep.
This AM I have a "meltdown hangover" and I feel embarassed and strange... yet calmer.
He probably thinks I am crazy. I am ... kind of crazy. I admit it.
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Comments
I'm going to be honest here,
I'm going to be honest here, I don't know if getting involved with this guy is a good idea. Not only does he have a kid, but he has an addict for an ex. You are not getting off of the merry-go-round, you are just on a different side of it.
I am not sure either.
I am not sure either. Confused. On the one hand, I feel I want a real partnership. Although I was not alone for some years, I might as well have been. I also don't want to lose a kind hearted, hard working, genuine guy. On the other hand, I've had enough addict manipulation and instability to last me a lifetime. His ex isn't even high conflict, she just sucks at life.
Time will tell I guess.
I think being in a SM
I think being in a SM situation like the one you just got out of is like dealing with PTSD. Looks like you found a good guy that understands. OMG, I have had meltdown hangovers before, never thought to call them that but they totally are and just awful! At least you got it out! :) Oh, and he is totally right, DO NOT check up on your ex. I'm sure your ex is hoping that you are and making stupid comments like that to keep space in your head....don't allow that!!!! Block him!!!!
Right?! Meltdown hangovers
Right?! Meltdown hangovers are the worst. Almost like an alcohol hangover.
I do need to block him out forever and never look nor care what he is up to again. He is out of my life - that is the best part of splitting from someone who has no assets, it is quick. Now it is just the emotional stuff.
I just have to say that a man
I just have to say that a man that responds the way yours did is a keeper. I had more than one melt down due to ptsd from my previous relationship and my SO acts like yours. It is pretty amazing. I always tell him he is the calm to my crazy.
He is certainly the calm to
He is certainly the calm to my crazy. I can be pretty rude sometimes and he doesn't deserve it. I need a better mouth filter.
AJ, not a single person doesn
AJ, not a single person doesn't occasionally snap. your ex posting that kind of s*** stings! I know it has to! It was a careless dig odne by a careless man. Having a crazy meltdown is completely understandable, and it honestly looks like your SO understands that too! Don't feel bad about it! At least you didn't keep everything bottled up!
This made me feel better...
This made me feel better... thank you..
Time to do what you do that
Time to do what you do that makes your SO stay with you - great sex? Great cooking? Great gifts? Whatever it is, pulls out all the stops and make up for your blowup. He deserves that for being so cool about your meltdown. And meltdowns are perfectly normal, especially for we girls
You would feel awful if your SO kept checking up on his ex - it gives the appearance that you're not over your ex and that is hurtful to your SO. SO JUST STOP. If you can't stop looking, delete your Facebook account and stay off it! The best revenge is happiness. And the worst insult is ignoring someone. So ignore your ex and be happy with your SO. Your ex only wrote what he wrote because he's certain you're looking - he got one over on you. Don't let him get two over on you.
Dignity, girl, dignity! You might think about your ex every now and then - you can't help that. But you don't have to seek him out online. You want to be over him, so fake it until you make it. Make yourself JUST NOT CARE.
If your ex is such a bad guy, you know those happy smiles will implode sooner or later. So stop checking and just count on it. Now go be happy.
Yes, today is the day I stop
Yes, today is the day I stop checking. I cannot let him win anymore.
Are you really ready for a
Are you really ready for a new relationship? I mean this constructively, but it does not sound like it.
You don't seem to have completely healed from the last relationship because you haven't given yourself the time before getting into a new one. If anything, do stop checking on your ex, and if you feel like you need to melt down or just talk to someone, talk to a girlfriend. Otherwise, your new SO will get the impression that you aren't over the ex, and he is just the rebound guy.
I am not as healed as I
I am not as healed as I should be. My SO did say he feels like the rebound when I check up on the ex. He isn't though. He is a guy who came out of left field, I didn't even think I would catch feelings for him and I ended up loving every single thing about him. He could never be a rebound, I respect him too much.
I told him if my ex was the last guy on earth, and we had to sleep together to try to procreate, I would let mankind die. I cannot stand the thought of him being within feet of me. So, I am over HIM, but my ego is still hurting from having him shred me and exploit me to make himself look like the victim. I also lost more (skids, dog, nieces and nephews) than he did. I am just.... angry.
AJ..you know I also kind of
AJ..you know I also kind of worried that you were getting back in a relationship a little soon and also had reservations about the fact that your new beau has an addict for a GF.. one that apparently is in same circles as your EX. The situation is just ripe for your EX to have access to your life through the acquaintences in common.... and you couldn't help but snoop a little on your own.
Now individually those things aren't completely alarming or bad. I mean, I met my husband the weekend after I kicked out my ex/addict BF..lol. We have been together 15 years now. I will admit to checking up on some Exes.. via facebook..or even in online court system records.. partial curiosity.. partial hoping they are far away from my orbit.. but not at all because I want to see any of them!
I think your BF handled this as best he could. I also think there are things about him that can't be changed and while he may be a decent guy.. it remains to be seen whether he really is the guy for you. The issues with kids and a chaotic EX are going to put serious stress on anyone in that orbit. It may not seem as bad now.. but when the honeymoon phase wears off and people are no longer on their best behavior.. well.. then you may have a much different situation.
And... it does appear that the two of you are pretty exclusive... so you have kind of shut the door for the time being to meeting someone without kids or the addict baggage. So... I would probably do a lot of soul searching as to whether you want the chaos in your life... because it will come with him and as nice as he may be he has no control over it.
We are exclusive it went from
We are exclusive it went from measured, casual doses of one another... to me rarely going home. It just happened quickly and I love being there. But still... obviously the doubts creep in as they should.
I need a crystal ball to see how he will be a year from now... do you have one I can borrow?! sigh...
Supposedly the BM isn't actively using, but she is an ex heroin addict dating an ex heroin addict and she still drinks and smokes weed, so... doesn't look too promising. No definitive way to predict if she will spiral into full on hard-drug addiction again, but the statistics say it is likely.
Generally, weed isn't
Generally, weed isn't addictive and medical weed is a substitute for the pills/heroin....some people do react differently, but generally it is the lesser of drinking and pills/heroin. That is why so many states are passing the medical weed bills, to stop the need to over perscribe pills and stop the addictions.
The drinking concerns me as that is highly addictive and can lead to starting to dabble in the hard drugs while intoxicated.
My late DH was hooked on pain pills. He was tired of the addiction merry go round and was taking himself off of the pills when he noticed he had a persistent sore throat. It turned out he had stage 4 throat cancer and the pills he took for his addiction masked the pain.
Listen, I am nosey AF! and I
Listen, I am nosey AF! and I do mean AF! I stalk everyone! Doesn't mean I care what they are doing or saying, or that I am emotionally involved in some way... I'm just plain nosey and bored. You, however, seem to be emotionally involved still, which is understandable given the amount of time you've been away from your ex. I think it's perfectly OK to stalk exes IF your feelings are gone. But to stalk an ex when you still have feelings.. good or bad... is just continuing the emotional rollercoaster. YKWIM? Maybe block him for a while until you are in a better place mentally, then stalk away and LAUGH at his stupid shit instead of cry.
The thing that stood out to
The thing that stood out to me was that you fight mean. That is something YOU have to work on. It is ok to have a meltdown and cry and lose your crap, but it is NEVER ok to be mean, sarcastic and unkind to someone who has NOT done anything wrong. Meaning, you can't take out your insecurities in life on this guy. He might be ok with it now, because your relationship is rather new, but if you keep treating him like that, you are inviting the horrible, ugly fights you used to have with your ex.
Everyone makes mistakes, but I would encourage you to make sure you are never a mean fighter again. You can be angry, you can be justified in letting your SO have it if he is in the wrong, but always fight fair. Always fight like a mature adult. Don't be mean. Don't be abusive. Don't be the reason your relationship fails.