Insanity: Doing the same thing and expecting different results
I don't know where to turn. I am at the end of my rope. My DH does absolutely nothing to control his entitled, emotionless, void-of-all conscience children. SD16 and SD15 treat our house like it is their own, coming in and out when they are supposed to be with their mother. We were gone for a week when they were supposed to be with BM and found out they both stayed here with friends. I was told that "they dont agree with our rule' and lied the whole time about details. DH did NOTHING. BM thought it was hilarious. SD16 took his car and either ran a curb at a high rate of speed or took it airborn and destroyed two tires and screwed up the transmission / drive train. Has had her license since summer and this is the 4th such incident (one accident where she rear-ended someone becuase she wasn't paying attention, one blow out of a tire because she was texting and driving, one engine repair because she drove through water, and now this.) I have had money stolen from me, prescription medication stolen and sold that was not locked up, and the list goes on and on. My DH sticks his head in the sand and keeps the myth going that the next time they will finally wake up and act like adults. The kids don't get yelled at, he makes idle threats of grounding that are NEVER enforced and the kids see no issue in lying and show no remorse. I sound like a nag because this is the only area we don't agree about. I am tired of the "I knows, etc." and I am so tired of his brats treating him like a piece of dirt. They ruin vacations, they ruin everything, and most importantly they are going to end up hurting someone else! I feel like I am beating my head against a wall. THe amount of energy wasted with no result is like I am living the movie Groundhog Day.
I would ask my DH a serious
I would ask my DH a serious question about how he is going to handle it if there is an incident in his home and he is sued for negligence. I don't generally have an issue with kids being at either house in spite of whatever the official calendar is as long as both parents are aware of their wearabouts and there is adequate supervision in the home. It sounds like these kids are a fail on the responsible teen scale so they shouldn't have 24 hour access to your home while you are out of town. The fact that you DH doesn't have a problem with them partying while you are gone is a red flag problem.
I might also be very reluctant to fix the budding driver's car in the future. Let her pay for the repairs and see how much more careful she becomes.
Unfortunately, my husband
Unfortunately, my husband acknowledges all that we have at stake and still fails to take action. The car she has damaged was my husband's (despite the fact she has a beater) which he continually lets her drive. Luxury car......probably $10K in repairs (we will find out today) that he claims she will have to pay him back for. I know the drill......she will hide out at her mommy's and she never talks to her dad anyway........so she will hope he will forgive all payment and go on to the next time she f***s up. We have a lockbox on our house because they were never responsible enough to have a key. Changing the code only works to the extent they don't con their way into getting into the house for something tbhey magically forgot.....last time we gave consent for SD to go in she locked a cat in her room for 3 days until our petsitter went looking for her.
This sounds awful. Doing the
This sounds awful. Doing the same thing over and over will never work. So if your DH won't do anything, what can YOU do to change the situation? What are you willing to do and risk to have some peace?
It sounds like your DH just won't say no or set boundaries. Then you have to set them. I agree with changing the locks and you retain control. No keys, no codes for the skids. If DH gets weak and gives in, you change the locks/codes again. Maybe DH accesses the house with only a key--he doesn't know the code so he can't give it to skids. If this were me, I'd resent the hell out of having to be the only adult in the household, but it would be better than the insanity you are suffering now.
I am appalled at the way all
I am appalled at the way all three of you adults allow these girls to behave. They are committing criminal acts that leave you open to multiple liability lawsuits! And you thought telling them off and not making treats for them was sufficient punishment for their actions??? Nothing about any of this is normal! I think if I were you, I'd make a last ditch stand while preparing my exit strategy.
First, meet with a divorce attorney. Find out what paperwork and data you need, etc. Start getting your financial ducks in a row. Separate finances, and take half of all savings.
Secondly, lace up your bitch boots and take complete control of your home. Your H is incapable of doing what needs to be done, so think of him as disabled and disregard him. Strip down those skid bedrooms to the bare essentials - a mattress, blanket, pillow, lamp, a few books. Put all skid possessions in storage, and don't tell your husband where. Change the locks, and don't give your H a key or code. Tell him he is to inform his daughters of basic expectations in front of you , or exercise visitation elsewhere.
Do you and your DH maintain any college accounts for the SDs? If so, SD16's should be forfeit the amount equal to the damage to the car. Insist on this. If your spineless spouse objects, tell him it's now your way or the highway, and that if he wants to save the marriage he'd better have counselling set up in the next 24 hours.
Until and unless you are willing to make your H fear you more than he fears his daughters and BM, your life is going to continue to be an episode of the Dr Phil show. Those delinquents need to know that the party is over at Dad's house so that you can have the peace and quiet needed to recover from this insanity. Yes, there will likely be a blowup with much yelling and screaming from BM and her criminal darlings. Only you know if you're strong enough to stand tall in those bitch boots and say Enough!, or if leaving is best for you, but I hope you'll do something, because the current dynamic is outrageously dysfunctional.
Perfect advice! You couldn't
Perfect advice! You couldn't be more clear or correct about what OP needs to do. Big question for Frustrated: Will you do it?
We all need to be exjulie
Awesome, in control, take no prisoners advice!! You are an in control lady, love this!!!!! I hope OP does all of this.
OP its not fair or sane to live with this crazy. Take back your power in your home. Its gone beyond expecting DH to control this out of control crew. Good luck!!!
Rekey the locks, change the security system code
and call the police when she takes the car or enters the home. Let the system deal with her. It is much cheaper than what you are doing now.
Two teenage stepdaughters, oh
Two teenage stepdaughters, oh my, you have my sincere sympathy. These girls are out of control. Your husband better get his act together and act like a father not a disney dad. I really would have kicked him in the butt by now. Or out the door.
You need to start to speak up and take control of your home. You matter. At this point in your life they don't. They are only thinking of what works best for them.
Either things change for the better for you or get out.
The dysfunction ends here !
The dysfunction ends here ! We are both done with the kids and the shenanigans. NO child - especially these two - are going to ruin our marriage. There is a new sheriff in town, and no more niceness from either of us. As we all could, I could write a novel on what has gotten us to this place....but it doesn't matter anymore. Going forward, it's our way or the highway. The money funnel is stopoped and if BM is such a great advocate of her kids, she can have fun dealing with every implication of her parenting......financial or otherwise. Hope SD has a great handle on what life is going to be like over here because it's going to take a longgggggg time to pay us back the $4K of damage to the car and it's going to be a looonnnnngggg time beore there are any privileges. Hope she can come up with the $ 5K her sporting "career" requires too....that's a LONG summer of fundraising.