SO Implemented Feedback
In the past few years I have played an active part in my SS's life. When I entered the relationship woth my SO I accepted and loved both my SO and he BS. Obviously, I didn't know how challenging it would prove to be. I don't have kids myself, however, I consider myself to be a good person and i've tried to establish my role as a SM and a provider in our home. Boy it has tested me.
Interestingly enough, my SO has decided to take him to couseling begining this week. She's going to knock out a few sessions on her own and bring him in later. So I am happy that she has taken my feedback and responded with constructive action.
She also came home the other night, made dinner, served us and we sat down and had a really relaxing evening. Last week I lost my shit and told her that she needed to contribute to making/helping with dinner. I felt like i was taking on too much responsibility making sure we were all fed and I wanted her to step up. My SO can be stubborn at time, but she has definetly taken some actions around areas we have been struggling in.
It's slow and steady progress but that's good enough for me. I also have felt guilty in the past sometimes upset that maybe she thinks I hate her son or don't want the best for him. Is that normal, do the BP tend to have that reaction when SP are addressing problems with the SKids?
I noticed that she served me less food when she cooked ( i don't eat that much) and it was weird how i wanted to be served more and on the same plate- even though I know I don't have the appetite to eat all that much. In ways, I feel like I have grown. And in other ways, like i just mentioned, I feel like I can be petty. I think that I have been trying so hard to ensure that I am respected and I have a say in our home, that perhaps i might take it to the extreme and be petty when it's unnecessary.
Last note: I addressed 16SS about homework, he wanted to go outside and play with his friends. I know he is lying about the missing assignment but I am leaving that to my SO to address. I ask him to clean his room. Put away his clothes. And he comes back tells me he is done. I ask him if he halfed ass it and threw his clothes in the closet. At first he said no. And then I was like, "no for real, did you do it the right way or not" and then he was like.... "ah, ok I'll hang my clothes." (This is where I am seeing progress) He comes to me before he steps out and says, "hey, I am finished cleaning my room, can I go out.?" Which we all know, that action alone is acknowledging his respect for my authority. And I say, "ok. I brought sandwiches for dinner. There are chips. When you come back make sure to eat some dinner."
I can't tell you (my cyber step community) how happy this makes me.
ALSO
Should I push to get iinvolved with these counseling sessions?
No. You're seeing positive
No. You're seeing positive change in both your partner and her son. Maybe do your part to encourage that by continuing to be pleasant and cooperative? Stay in your lane while they work on their stuff.
It sounds that you and your SO are getting your equity life
partnership and equity parent status worked out. Congratulations.
One suggestion on the 16yo. It is great that he is learning to be respectful and follow through on the instructions that you give him. I suggest that rather than asking him if he has completed a task... give him a call to action to show you. My SS-25 was a pleaser at that age and his immediate answer to any question was always in the affirmative. When I asked if he had completed somehting the answer was always a resounding "Yes" even before I had the question entirely out of my mouth. Invariably his "Yes" was far from accurate. Since lieing was one of my hot buttons I decided to remove the opportunity for him to lie. I did that by instructing him to show me that he was done rather than asking if he had completed the task at hand. He learned to just do it since he wasn't going anywhere unless it was done. No more untruths and running out the door.
This tactic definately reduced the stress in our home when SS was in his teens.
The therapist might want to
The therapist might want to see you or speak with you at some point. He or she will know if and when to bring you in. Congratulations! It sounds as if you're on the right road.