Tell him if she is THAT interesting he can move in with her. And you might want to suggest MacDonals with their kid-friendly playgrounds are perfect for daughter/dad bonding sessions.

If she turns up put all the valuable stuff out of the kids way and go out. Just tell DH "Crap! I forgot to balh blah blah... Bee back in a couple hrs. BYE!"

IF you are trapped at home and she infers you should take care of her kids just tell her "Well I am not their grandma and your mother would DIE if she thought I was taking her place. Anyway, why don't you bring them toys to play with? Poor things are bored. Now I have to run out for a while. Oh and your dad bought snacks for the kids in that red cake tin.See you next time!"

If the kids destroy/stain stuff, get DH to replace it or pay for a clenaing service.

Oh wow, you need to shut that sh**t down right now somehow.  Your SD sounds a lot like my younger sister, she used to do this with her kids and the bit that got me was that she sat on her big fat A** whilst our mother was left to feed, water and entertain her brats. She never changed but then nobody asked her to, my mother bitched about it to me (alway triangulation) but did nothing as she is the golden child.

Getting out of the house is a good idea. Only problem is that you will come back to the mess and the SD will feel she has won and she has daddy all to herself whilst using your home as if it's hers. I definately think your DH has to step up and put some boundaries in, of course I suppose he doesn't want to be the 'bad guy' but you know, it's funny when people do that because it immediately makes the other party the 'bad guy'.

As for the conversation being all about her mother etc, yes this is insensitive I agree. Sounds like the SD is a totally insensitive person and probably doesn't actually mean any harm but noneless its happening (this is me being 'nice' - it's the best I can do when it comes to skids *diablo*).

So as oneoffour said, get out of the house, lock up the good s**t and tell your DH to arrange and pay for the repairs and food missing. Unless you can find some way of making your DH see that he needs to tackle her about this, not stop her coming over but ask her to bring toys for them and he should take them to macdonalds then drop them back home. They can chat about the gubm all they like then.

With twenty years between your DH and you age wise, it's not surprising you two are at odds with the grandkid thing. Give yourself another ten years and you'll think your own bio-grandtots are the best thing since sliced bread. 

No, you leaving your home isn't the answer. Neither is banning the little energetic darlings. Both tactics will just serve to cause more heated fights between DH and you. And I certainly don't suggest bringing a few lousy dollars worth of food for two toddlers , demanding to be paid back. These are his first grandbabies. He doesn't see them as you do. He loves his daughter and you can bet those babies mean the world to him. The man has worked all his life , is at or near retirement and if he can't spend a few bucks of his income to feed his hungry grandchild.... well, no, he just isn't going to stand for that nonsense out of you.

So,on to plan B. I take it SD may be a lonely, bored. overtired SAHM. You said she uses this as a time for a break and a chance to talk to adults. Maybe it's time for SD to go back to work? Or, if not, perhaps the next present your DH gives his daughter/grandkids is the gift of one day a week at daycare (real daycare center, not daycare as in you babysitting)? It would give SD her break and a chance to get out and meet other mothers her same age and interest. 

Another afternoon or early evening a week, send Grandpa off to SD's house. SD already has all the toddler toys and I'll assume her home is already fairly kid-proof. Grandpa can take a small sack of the preparations for a meal and he can spend a couple hours playing grandpa, watching the kids trash their own house and chattering with with daughter. Or a walk at the park and playground or whatever grandpas do.

Win-win for everybody. You're rid of SD and the tots unless you specifically invite them over,  DH gets to be grandpa, your home stays untouched and SD and the tots get the bit of time and attention they crave from Dad/Grandpa. 

by coming into your home, letting her kids run amok, and monopolizing your DH.

If you want to mess with her, how about plopping down at the table with your wedding album? Showing her video of your honeymoon? Talking about your kids and their accomplishments?*diablo*

I made the mistake of thinking I had to play hostess to all of my in-laws, skids, and gskids. Don't do it! Don't do anything to encourage or celebrate their visits; that's on your husband to do. Let your DH be responsible for all that, including cleaning up afterwards. If there aren't any goodies in the pantry, oh darn! Just continue on with regular activities like running errands, cleaning the garage, organizing closets, or whatever. If the gskids get underfoot, redirect them to mom and grandpa. Once your husband's daughter sees that she's not getting on your nerves or free babysitting, she'll stop coming around so much. And once your DH gets fed up with having to play host and clean up, he'll stop encouraging the visits.

OP, you should tell your SD just because I let puppies run around my house doesn't mean I will let them pee everywhere. I am just kidding. I wouldn't allow skids or sgrandkids to run a muck in my house whether my DH said so or not. If it was me I would tell your DH that either she gets control of her kids or they can go some place else. As for the SD talking about BM all the time. I would simply tell your DH that if they want to talk about BM then they should do it somewhere else. The fact that he is defending her saying that she is the mother of my children and wants to talk about her with your SD makes me think that maybe he still cares about her. That would bother me.

Just a simple observation- why is it nowadays that it is permissible for people to take their children to someone’s home, or even in a restaurant, and not be taking care of them so to speak? I have had family members visit with their 3 yr old,  they will sit and just keep talking while the kid  bangs on the wall with a small toy hammer..(I wanted to take the hammer away from the kid and start banging on him with it) ....all the while just keep talking and  ignoring the kid. The other day in a restaurant I saw a child using a plastic toy to bang on a large aquarium ....parents just kept visiting.ignoring the kid....(of course if the kid gets hurt, restaurant gets sued) we see behavior like this all the time....

I would tell your DH that your home isn't child safe and that for the safety of his grandchildren that he needs to either child-proof the home (or an area of the home where they visit) or that he needs to go to his daughter's to visit. Tell him, that his daughter wants to see him not necessarily you and that it would be so much less stressful for her if she didn't have to lug the kids around and if he just went there to visit.

I would also make myself scarce when they come over.. noise cancelling headphones and locking yourself behind a door.. or going out to shop or have a lunch with a friend.

Taking her kids to someone elses house, so that she can ignore them and have you mind them while she talks to her father, is rude. Your home is not her escape. If she wants a break from her kids, she needs to get a sitter.

My DH will listen to his daughter talk about BM for a minute (out of politeness), but he changes the subject pretty quick. He does not give one iota what BM is doing or who she is doing it with, and he does not care that she is "the mother of his child". So what? She's not a child anymore for one thing, and hey, she knows they are DIVORCED.

A whole lotta direspect going on for you in your own home.

"Mother of my children"  F-ck That.

He shouldn't EVER say that to HIS WIFE. Ever. Neither should he be emotionally invested in a woman who he's divorced to, particualrly when he's got you!!! HIS WIFE!

He needs to have a chit chat. Learn that he needs boundaries, and you should tell him if she's so amazing he should go back, if my DH EVER tried to use the "Mother of my Children" s*** as an excuse I'd snap. That's all it is, a dang excuse to talk about her and dig, because apparently he thinks it's more important to dig info on his ex than to protect his wife and her home and happiness.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. You shouldn't be. And I don't even let the skids TOUCH my instruments, let alone anyone else. They're valuable and mean a LOT to me.

Your observations and your position IS valid.

Salvation Army stores, Savers, consignment shops, yard sales, etc are good sources of low cost kid toys. Dollar store has paper, crayons, books for these ages. If the kids are going to visit, and the mom isn't bringing things, get Grandpa to pay for things for them to keep at your house.

Take control of your house. Kids eat in the kitchen. Grandpa eats in the kitchen when kids are there. Close the doors to rooms you don't want the kids in and keep them closed or get some tension gates and gate them off. Direct the kids back to the room with mom and Grandpa when they leave it. 

We had and have age appropriate toys. After a conversation with DH, he implemented the eat and drink in the kitchen rule, the color only at the kitchen table rule, the closed doors, the gated doorway,  etc. DH didn't see why at first, but after it was in force he suddenly saw the light. 

Kids like rules. A few weeks ago OSGD10 said 'we always have fun here' so the rules haven't hurt DH's relationship with his grandkids.

How dreadful. I would hate having this SD and her children enter my home. They show zero respect for you or your home. Not to mention  lack of manners. Your SD sounds like a lazy parent. Until she can parent her children to behave in your home your DH should visit SD at her home.

I absolutely adore my DH but am thinking about leaving once grandkids arrive for this very reason. I wanted to have kids with him and we weren't able to...so I don't think I can emotionally handle him going all ga-ga over grandkids, nor do I want to be expected to treat them like mine...which I fear will happen. 

I have an exit plan in case it becomes intolerable. The skids are now 21, 20, and stb18...so it's maybe 5-8 years away? Who knows. Maybe he won't go all crazy and gross over the gskids.