Dreading Christmas with the Ex wife AGAIN
Christmas is coming and I am filled with dread (again), my DH and his family always had a large family get together and the Ex wife will be there, treated as royalty whilst I try to escape into the background. 5 years ago, I hosted it at our house and as his sister was terminally ill and very close friends with the ex, I welcomed her into OUR home. I thought at the time it was the right thing to do but it led to the expectation that she would be welcome EVERY year! Since then I have been able to avoid her at Christmas by visiting my extended family, having a small gathering at my home and making it clear she is not welcome and last year going overseas to meet friends but this year looms as the year we have to go back to his family get together and she will be there, fawning all over him, ignoring me completely and trying to make herself appear the victim because he left her (18 years ago). Complicating this is the fact that her family are European and celebrate on Christmas Eve, so in theory my DHS children and grandchildren can have Christmas with her and us separately, I am more than willing to host at my house for my kids, his kids and grandkids but the SD won’t go without mummy (omg the princess).
I don’t know what to do and fear we will have either a lonely Christmas or I will have to put up with her again!
For some context we try to share Christmas 1 year at my family, 1 at his extended family and 1 at home (or overseas).
Should I just book another holiday?
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Id say stay
Bring it on with flair, rather than fading off into the woodwork.
I always think of myself as the Queen, DH as the King and the Munchkin SD12 as the Princess (but not in a bad entitled selfish narc way) When the Kings away, the Queen has her say. She is responsible and has authority for all her subjects (pets included). She will take care of the kingdom while the King is away, but it is up to King to uphold his Queen.
YOU are the wife. Establish that with your fabulous presence. Perhaps being gone let things slide, but YOU are not to be excluded by princess or anyone. Try to discuss with family, ahead of time. SD does not rule the kingdom.
Does SD try to withold grandskids as a tool? IS BM without anyone? Too bad she is hijacking your family celebrations.
I say, stay - and know YOU are the rightful Queen.
Too tired to rock it
I would love to turn up fabulous and rock it but I am just too tired to bother. I just don’t think she (theEx) needs to be included in family Christmas when we are attending. She ceased to be part of the family when he left her; well before he met me and not one other family member has their ex included.
The princess ignores me, says I am rude to her and doesn’t come to our home anymore as I make her unwelcome; which is complete rubbish. I do leave the room when she rabbits on about her mother and have started practicing disengagement (thanks to you all on this site), so maybe she will get the idea soon that it’s not rude but disinterest.
A quiet day by the pool with a cocktail is starting to sound like a great plan.
thanks for your comments
That sounds like a plan!
After a massage, manicure and pedicure.
:D upshot is, that you have to take care of YOU. They obviously arent concerned (ex w and sd). My advice is just that - take it with a grain of salt (and pepper) - ony YOU know your situation and all of our situations are slightly different (although they do start to sound eerily similar). You sound very kindhearted, and I hope that DH will see that this is hard for you.
SD's they LOVE rewriting history to make themselves the victims, starting with the whole "woe is me, I am a CHILD OF DIVORCE". Gives them a hall pass to be jerks. Because they are the SEED, the BLOOD. And BLOOD is thicker than a new marriage certificate paper.
Sorry to be sarcastic. Its one of those days!
The sarcasm is perfect, I’m
The sarcasm is perfect, I’m having that day too!
Thanks again
I just ... no. Go spend
Just ... no. Go spend Christmas with your own family until BM is not a regular guest at the in-laws home. Which may be never. Not sure why you've let this go on as long as you have, but it's never to late too change what you are willing to accept and not accept.
I think you are right, maybe
I think you are right, maybe I will spend the day with my son, his GF and not bother with any nonsense
thanks for the support
Good advice from Clove, I
Good advice from Clove, I would shine, have fun and pay no attention to those who just keep scrambling to keep up when they should move on...
Time for new traditions.
Time for new traditions. Have your family celebrations on other weekends and go away to the islands with DH for Christmas. Or mountains, where ever you can be alone with him and escape the games, drama and focus on each other.
Stop living your holidays for everyone else and reclaim them for yourselves.
That is exactly what I wanted
That is exactly what I wanted to hear! Making our own traditions sounds perfect, now how to get DH to play along?
Show him how expensive a
Show him how expensive a divorce will be for him???? *ROFL*
I don't know, how big of a priority is his marriage? Bigger than family holidays with them?
If you in-laws want to disrespect you
I would never go over to there house. Let in laws and BM have a good time. They made there choice
Unbelievable. How do you do
Unbelievable. How do you do it???
One time, ONE TIME, I had to play the disappearing-into-the-wallpaper act at SD's wedding. And I told my husband after that mess that if SD divorces and remarries, she's on her own.
I understand how this just sort of happened when there was an ill family member. However, that's over. Time to speak up, tell your husband you don't want to do it and you don't want to spend another holiday alone. If he gives you sass, remind him how many years you've done the dutiful thing and that it's time for HIM to compromise for your sake.
Sure, holidays are *special* and all that crap. But they aren't rare - they come every year (no matter how much I wish they wouldn't). If he skips replaying his first family life this year, he can pick it right back up next year. You deserve a year without playing second fiddle. If SD doesn't want to go without him, so what? That's on her. She can skip a year too and it won't kill her.
You have to speak up to get what's fair in this world -- clearly no one is going to say, gee, Ozlady might like a break from playing happy family for the sake of a woman who has been dead for years. How long do you have to wait in line for what you want? Until everyone ahead of you dies??? You have to take it for yourself.
I was there too. I was the sibling who married late in life, never had kids and I was always yanked around every holiday, expected to be wherever the party was for the sake of my parents, my siblings and my nieces and nephews. I only got a reprieve on the holidays I had to work, which was every other holiday. Some years I volunteered to work just to get out of the same old family obligations. When I married, it started out the same way only now my husband was also dragged to wherever my family's celebration was. I finally put down my foot and declared us free agents.
Do it! Declare yourself a free agent and take your husband with you! You deserve it!!!
Yes, Yes, Yes
I am both sorry you had to go through that and glad someone else was “silly” like me. I am trying to disengage from his family completely and hate that this upsets him but I have come to realise life is too short to be unhappy, even for a day
Thanks for helping
SD doesn't get to decide who
SD doesn't get to decide who you invite to your home. If she chooses not to come because Mommy Dearest won't be there well, that's her choice and it's on her.
How does your DH feel about having her around?
DH has always tried to keep a
DH has always tried to keep a friendly relationship for his kids and now grandkids, which I understand but I think when he married me it was time for her to step back and as this didn’t happen he tried to make his family and daughter understand that I feel uncomfortable with her at family events. I do accept that I have to put up with her at the kids and grandkids birthdays (where she is rude to me and fawns over him, he is really clueless to her games as he thinks she is too stupid to be able to manipulate a situation) and whilst I don’t like it, I will do it for the sake of demonstrating to the children that sometimes you do things in life for other people but there is no need for her to be involved in Christmas Day, especially as they can have their own traditions on Christmas Eve.
I have disengaged from SD completely but this causes DH some sorrow and I like to make an effort for him at Christmas but I can’t put up with the ex again!
I couldn't do it. I'd
I couldn't do it. I'd undoubtedly break the b****'s nose after one too many snide comments or flirtations to my DH...
If SD won't come without mommy, go with the visitation schedule. Either it's his year or hers. But she's not invited to your home. She's overstepping boundaries, flirting with YOUR DH. The answer would be an absolute no to her coming anywhere near my home.
We don't allow Psycho near or in our home, we'll NEVER combine holidays. We did a combined party (and she showed to another UNINVITED. They were awful as he!!. All about her, and I swear her trying to flirt with my oblivious hubby (he ignores her) makes me want to punch her in the throat. My self control has a threshold. She's lucky I haven't met it yet. But she definitley wouldn't be allowed in my home or at our holiday celebrations.
I just checked out OP's other
I just checked out OP's other post and the SD is an adult with two small children of her own so there's no visitation schedule. However, it also seems that her DH puts not only his daughter but also his ex-wife before OP ...
Adult kids shouldn't be
Adult kids shouldn't be expected at holidays anyways... This would be a hard line for me OP. Putting his ADULT daughter and EX before you shouldn't happen. Once they're an adult, they honestly lose even the first responsibility spot. Because they're grown.
You need to be put first. You should EXPECT to be put first. Your DH shouldn't be at that gathering either if you're not. He should NEVER be playing happy family with BM. Forget the unhealthy side of it, that's disrespectful to you, his wife!
Be bold, stand up for yourself. She shouldn't be welcome in your home, or at your holiday celebrations. SD won't come unless mommy is there? Fine. She's acting like a spoiled brat that would ruin the holiday anyways.
I'm sorry your DH is being so thick skulled. Don't put up with this anymore.
Exactly!
Exactly!
Now to make him see that
No is a complete sentence.
No is a complete sentence.
"No, DH, I won't spend Christmas with your ex."
Or, for added flavor:
"No, DH, I won't spend Christmas with your ex until you are willing to spend it with mine. While he paws at me. And ignores you. When you can get through an equal number of Christmases watching me be seduced by an ex, then I'll return to your family Christmas. Until then, have fun without me."
Oh, I had a giggle!
This made me laugh so hard!
Would you believe I have actually said this to him- his response “but he is an asshole who was violent, she is just boring, dumb and pathetic, can’t you (me) put up with her?
For an intelligent man, sometimes he is so clueless
You are right I just have to say no
It's a no from me. It's
It's a no from me. It's unrealistic to expect you to spend the holiday with BM. Would any of them like to spend it with their SO's ex? Nope. Yet you are expected to, because your feelings apparently don't matter. Divorce is the splitting of a relationship. It doesn't mean spending holidays together and just adding in another person (you) to the mix.
Stand your ground! I like Lietenant Dad's suggestion. In fact, I beg you to please say this to your DH...please! lol. It's literally the perfect response.
Look, I get being gracious
Look, I get being gracious that one time when his sister was ill.. but come on! 18 years? She doesn't need to be included... and if they insist, that is enough reason for you to say .. "thank you, but I cannot attend".
Sure, at the root of it, people that host can dictate the guest list.. but that doesn't mean that some guests may not come if others are invited. The hosts need to weigh what they feel is important and go from there. Honestly.. the kids have to be old enough to not need this farce any longer of "happy family"
If I were you, I would book a tropical vacation and encourage your DH to go away with you.. gift to each other and all.
It’s starting to look that way
As everyday closes in on it, my anxiety about Christmas increases I’m thinking holiday without family is the best option
YOu have bent over backwards
YOu have bent over backwards and considered everyone else's feelings for a long time. I think you should be able to put your foot down. If the Ex continues to come to the family celebration.. I plan on being elsewhere. Doing this prevents her from moving on. Adult children can split their day just like they do with all of their other inlaws etc..
Exactly my thoughts
You nailed it, it prevents her from moving on because that is the aim of the game! Not only does it prevent her from moving on but everyone else too. It is a game of manipulation and making my DH and myself uncomfortable, I would dearly love to make a scene and tell her what I think of little games but I never ever would and I think she knows that.
Oh well, at least I have good manners.
I think I will start planning a day away, at the very least