All Drama Aside. I Think I May Have Outdone Myself On This One!!!!
I get so sick and tiered of the intentionally not following rules when there's no adults around, the lying, tantrums, just plain bad behavior that I came up with a positive incentive program for all three of the kids, BD8, SD7, and SS5, and it has been working great so far. I've seen an almost 100% turn around with all their behavior since we talked about it on Monday of this week. So I thought that I might share this with all of you SMs with young Skids.
I created family dollars that can be earned for going above and beyond in the house. Things like treating everyone in the household with kindness, doing chores around the house (without having to be asked) are just a few examples of how they can be earned.
They start out in the beginning of the day with family dollar. Now if they get a check on the naughty board for not listening then they lose that dollar and have to go to bed early 10 minutes for every check. If they have a bad report at school they lose that dollar and suffer whatever the consequence is depending on what they did. If they intentionally break rules they lose their dollar, if they fight they lose their dollar. I'm sure you get the general idea here.
Regardless of losing their dollar if they have misbehaved they can still earn more throughout the day. This way they don't ever get into the mantality of it doesn't matter anymore because I already lost my dollar.
If they steal another kids family dollars or even tease about it to just make the other kid freak out and cry, they lose all of their family dollars and start over at zero.
At the end of every week they will get the opportunity of buying prizes with the money that they have eared. (I went to the dollar store and dropped around $30 on toys, lip gloss, nail polish, pretty much anything that I think that they would be into. Everything has a price on it. If they want one of the high dollar things they will have to save their money until they have enough.
I'm not really big in paying for good behavior, but I'm hoping that by doing this enough it will start to become like second nature to them. It also shows them that DH and I are paying attention when they do something kind, go out of their way to help, listen, and follow the rules. I think it will also teach them some responsibility with money, even though it's not real, by having to save for something they really want. They also know that if they lose their family dollars that they will not be replaced so they need to put them in a safe place.
SS 5 earned an extra dollar this morning when I told all three of them that it was time for school. When they got up and started walking towards me I asked them to turn the TV off. SS was the only one who listened. He turned around went back to the TV and shut it off while the other two just kept walking towards me. I know listening should be expected but it should also be rewarded.
Just thought that I would share. I know I just started it this week, but so far so good.
- Unhappy's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
"I created family dollars
"I created family dollars that can be earned for going above and beyond in the house. Things like treating everyone in the household with kindness"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Uhhh...treating everyone in the household with kindness is hardly going above & beyond.
You might as well throw $10 at them every time they call you ma'am. http://www.steptalk.org/node/73645
Paying for common courtesy is ridiculous & leads to entitled children. PARENTING will take you & them so much farther in your relationships with each other & their relationships with others in the future.
A simple "thank you, SS, for listening & doing what I asked you to do" acknowledges that you are paying attention without teaching them to expect a handout in return for their respect.
Storm, I get where you coming
Storm,
I get where you coming from and I read that blog when it was first posted. I don't agree with rewarding behavior that is expected, but I do think that by getting them into the habit of doing these things that it will hopefully become second nature to them, or at least something that crosses their mind.
I should have been a little more discriptive when I said treating everybody in the house with kindness. An expample of what I mean would be SS 5 falls off of his bike and gets hurt. Instead of the other two girls not caring, they react to the situation with empathy trying to comfort him and go and get help. They would both earn a family dollar for doing so.
We've tried the parenting, and will continue to do so, but when you're dealing with kids that will break the rules when you're not around just because you're not around and then shrug when you ask them why they did it and you punish them for doing it and then they turn around and do it again, we need to explore other options. Why do they do that? Because they don't care if they get punished. There's no punishment that will make them listen or thing that can be taken away. So why not try something else. SD wants the lip gloss that costs 15 family dollars so bad she can taste it. She's already at 5 family dollars for the week. She gets one at the beginning of the day and gets to keep as long as she follows the rules, doesn't cause issues in school, and isn't mean. If she is, she loses that dollar. That means that she is further away from getting that lip gloss which is the one thing she wants. So essentially I am taking away the one thing that matters to her, plus depending on what she has done there are other consequences, which is where the parenting comes in.
I think that main problem with both DH and I with parenting is that there are two sides. One side we have always used which is punishing when a munishment is due. The other is the postitive reinforcement side, which both of us tend to overlook. Not intentionally, but we do. This way, they see that we notice when they do things and they get rewarded for it.
I understand why some folks
I understand why some folks are saying being kind should just be expected, but I also understand WHY you are using this technique. I had the same problem with my D14. She didn't care if she was punished for bad behavior. You have to find the one thing THEY care about.
Like your SD- she WANTS that lip gloss so she is doing what she needs to do to get it. Obviously praise isn't working for her. But the incentive of that lip gloss is.
You have to find the right carrot (incentive) to get the behavior you want.
Ehhh..if it works...it works.
Ehhh..if it works...it works.
That's what I think. It's not
That's what I think. It's not a permanent thing of course. It's just to get them started on a better path.
I think it's a good system. I
I think it's a good system.
I do something similar with my daughters.
D14 has a jar with six buttons in it. If she is rude, disrespectful, doesn't do her daily chore of doing the dishes, she loses a button.
At the end of the week I count up how many buttons she has. Each button is worth a dollar so if she's good she can earn $6 a week. When I was dating my exBF he told me that wasn't enough but I think six dollars a week for a then 13 year old was sufficient.
I will add that both of my girls have weekly chores that they are supposed to do, but they don't get paid for those.
Wouldn't work in my house,
Wouldn't work in my house, but if its working for you, great!
I like it! Positive
I like it! Positive reinforcement is always the way to go! Thanks for sharing!
I think it's a good start ..
I think it's a good start .. I would be wary to continue to pay kids (fake money or not) for simply being decent human beings and doing as they're told. I can see this snowballing in that the system will stop working when the treats are no longer desirable. It's going to either cost you a ton of money to upkeep, especially as they get older, or it will be rendered useless.
That being said, when training dogs, you start by rewarding them every time they do something right (sit, stay, etc). Then you slowly wean them off, giving a treat only every 2nd or 3rd or 5th time; until they have learned with no exceptions that they are expected to do this every single time you ask them to. It's sad to compare parenting to dog training, but that was the only correlation I could draw in this situation.
So, I think it's a good way to get started, but I think you need to be careful in the slippery slope that results in entitled children.
In our home, kids have to listen to adults in charge (obviously not strangers or random passerbys). No exceptions, no excuses. If they don't, they lose priveledges (dessert, tv, outside play, toys, etc).
I couldn't agree more with
I couldn't agree more with you. This is not something that will continue to go on for forever, but I am hoping to work with them long enough to try and make it second nature for them. Will it work? I really have no clue. But I can tell you it's nice to see them actually helping around the house instead of destroying it. Plus they are going above and beyond to earn them. SS and my BD went out and cleaned the garage the other day, put all of the shoes on the shoe rack in the laundry room, cleaned their rooms, and organized the movie closet. They earned one family dollar by doing that.
There will be no big ticket items for them. This is just a temporary positive reinforcement idea that I came up with. Plus, another thing they don't know is that I'm seeing everything that they are capable of doing so when they are asked to do it later on down the road, the I can't do it, won't fly with me.
When I was in college, I had
When I was in college, I had to write a paper on my philosophy of classroom management. My professor asked me why I had not included "motivators and incentives". I told her, "Because, I'm poor first off, second off, what happens when I don't have an "incentive" available and I'm asking them not to run off on a class trip? I don't believe in bribing kids to do what is EXPECTED for their own good"
She asked me if it mattered at all to me that if I had included these things that my grade would have been higher. Inside, I felt like, "Ugh b*tch, quit playing games and let me have a re-do and feed your ego whatever it desires."
Instead, I said, "Of course it would matter. I worked my ass off on this paper." She went on to ask me if I would have worked so hard if I was not to be graded on it. "Absolutely not! I work full time, drive three hours a day, and take six classes."
Professor-"Therefore, you had incentive and motivation to do your best."
Me-"Yeah, uh-huh, sure. What's my grade? (In my mind-I'm not friggin falling for this. Kids should do as they're told!)"
She asked me if I saw her point, and at the time, I did because I wanted a good grade, but not because I agreed. However, I later re-thought what she said. We all work for rewards. For some, it's praise, for others, it's grades, or dollar store items.
I think it's perfectly fine to show kids that their actions have consequences, whether they are good or bad is determined by what they do.
I do agree with SMof2Girls that you will eventually have to wean them off of tangible rewards. I think a great way to do this is by evaluating the behaviors they have been rewarded and punished for. Sit with them and have weekly "conferences". Let them know why you are proud, and make suggestions and give options for areas that need improvement.
I'd also tell them, I'm using a reward system with you right now, but in the future, I am hoping that you have learned to make good decisions without having to have "dollars" given to you. I want you to do the right thing, because you are a great person, and I know you will get into the habit of doing things because you are just a good person that doesn't need outside rewards.
Glad to hear that you have found the tool to use that will enable you to teach them how to behave and act respectfully. It takes a lot of trial and error to get it right as a parent, and even if we don't all agree on the methods, I think we can all agree that the efforts you are putting into it are worth praise, and that trying is always better than doing nothing at all, or even worse, merely complaining about it.
Best wishes & good luck!