How do I explain? Please, I would like some opinions
something happened today that made me feel stupid and I need opinions..
bit of background first..
BF and BM split while pregnant. BF and I met/ got together when SS (2and a half) was just a few months old.
I find it really hard to talk to people about how long BF and I have been together, as I'm sure they think all sorts, like..
I should have backed off to give BF and BM enough time to see if they could really work things out, or that maybe I had an affair with BF while BM was pregnant.
(I know I shouldnt care what people think, but these are just some random thoughts)
basically what happened today: I was chatting to a nice girl that just started at my job, and talking about SS2, showing pictures on my phone, there were a few pics of me and SS when he was only a few months old, and she said in a confused voice “oh, so if SS is 2, when did you get together with your BF?”
I said “SS was a few months old when we got together. BF and BM split when she was pregnant. I think its a bit stupid really.”
“what do you mean?”
I paused and thought ack, what did I just say?! What should I say now?! (this is obviously a result of my feelings of previous blog)
“I.. er, I.. just think they should've figured that out before”
“oh right, before they got pregnant”
“er, yeh” (nervously)
she was nice, nodded and just said “yehh totally” ..but now she thinks I wish SS had never been born! Nooo she'll think I'm an awful person 
It is weird, because on the one hand, I'm proud that I've helped raise SS from when he was tiny, hes a lovely boy. BUT on the other hand, I'm ashamed of how long BF and I have been together because of the suspicions in peoples minds I mentioned.
ok ok ok I know I should not care what other people think but seriously, I need some little sentence to say when people ask about it, I know I shouldnt have said that, it just slipped out.
Any ideas?
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I do look down on them for
I do look down on them for making such a HUGE error of judgement, they had been unhappily married for years, and they try for a child?!! I find it absolutely ridiculous.
I totally agree with what you said
"the more I do look down on SO and BM for doing something so stupid. Bringing a child into a relationship that they knew on some level was going to fail"
because as time goes on, and he is starting to speak more clearly, and in proper sentences, he is saying things like "I want to go to mommys house" it makes me so angry, as he deserves both his parents, they're a pair of absolute idiots for putting a child through being in the frigging car 90% of his life, back and forth between homes.. grrrrrr
why would you not have a child with SO? are you nervous that the same thing would happen to you? like split up when pregnant/ when the childs few months old? (that thought has fleetingly crossed my mind as well)
no, I was just assuming thats
no, I was just assuming thats what she thought.. I dont know if she did think that.. she may not even have given it a second thought.. but I do tend to overthink things, and worry unnecessarily about things. and also, I wish I wasn't, but I am very paranoid as to what others think of me
I too have that fantasy of the perfect world, that SS is mine and BFs, (BF has said several times he wishes it was so) and that we didnt have to sort out schedule times with BM, decide where hes going for xmas, etc etc, its just all so draining..
I know its just a fantasy but hey like you say, wishes..
I would say that in this day
I would say that in this day and age blended and non-traditional families are the norm. If people ask when you got together, I would simply say, "when ss was a few months old." and leave it at that. Those who want to ask will, and those who don't won't. You can't control what people say to you or what people think but you can control how you respond. Given the nature of the conversation as you presented it, I would never have taken your response as you wish SS2 wasn't around. I am sure she probably doesn't think that either. At worst, she thinks you are the type of girl who bags on BM's and you know what, that's up to her to think.
You can drive yourself crazy worrying about what other's think of you. Trust me, I have been doing it for so long I am now the official tour guide of the bus. I wouldn't worry too much, because whatever she thinks is what she is going to think. But, you may want to work on your filter just a little
hahaha tour guide of the
hahaha tour guide of the bus.. could you do me a favor and kick me out of the bus at "chill outsville" I dont want to reach crazy.
I knoowww I need to work on my filter, I cannot believe it just popped out like that, ack!
most of the time I say "when SS was a few months old, they split while pregnant"
now the reason I feel the need to add that extra bit, is that if people think they split after SS was born, I wouldve been a total rebound :/
yeh I know thinking too much again right? argh.. what do you think
I think the people who would
I think the people who would automatically think someones are the same type of people who can't keep their mouths shut about what they think so they'll likely ask. I do, however, agree with one of the other posters it might just be easier to say we have been together for 2+ years and let them ask if they want to. Reality is, most people are not going to understand. I have been dating SO for a little over 5 months, and have lived with him and his kids for pretty much all of it. I know that sounds ridiculous on paper but for us, it just works. We fell into a groove pretty quickly and he's nowhere near a Disney dad so we have similar parenting styles. Or at least I have adapted quickly to his since I'm not a parent. People ask pointed questions all the time. But as I told my best friend once,"I love him, and it's ok for me to love him, no matter what anyone else thinks." That's when she knew that this was the one. No justifying and no trying to get someone to understand. It is what it is and I have never been happier.
ohhhh migosh that is sooo
ohhhh migosh that is sooo beautiful what you told your bestfriend awwww!
I think I will also steal this if you dont mind, as its lovely as well aww..
"No justifying and no trying to get someone to understand. It is what it is and I have never been happier."
yes you are so right too, reality is, most people are not going to understand *sigh* its tough..thats why I was hoping to get some opinions on steptalk, how to answer peoples questions.. I think I like the answer "2years" very simple.. but then the OBVIOUS next thing to say will be "but SS is 2?!"
..eurgh. I just need to stop worrying and overthinking. wish me luck with that..
I will tell you what though
I will tell you what though sunny, I was really shocked by how many people have supported the relationship. I was terrified to tell my parents SO and I were dating even though they met the kids because SO and I were "just friends" and I had just moved to town. When I finally broke down my mom was thrilled because of how we interact and how natural our relationship is. Friends I haven't heard from in months have seen pics on fb that my sister posted and have called to find out what's going on. Sure a few have said you are crazy but most have been really supportive, which has absolutely shocked me. Most of the people you care about will understand, and those that don't maybe shouldn't be people you care about
Sigh! First I would not give
Sigh!
First I would not give too much personal information. And don't show people who don't you or BF socially pictures of SS. Put it this way, did she need to know?
If the subject of how long you have 'been' with BF comes up you can respond with something like "About a couple of years, give or take a month or 2." And if they respond "Well he has a 2 yr old..." You can say "Yes he does." And leave it at that.
Lots of people have babies when they shouldn't. I mean check out Maurie Povich and see the girls lining up for the free paternity tests. Lots of kids are concieved during one night stands.
What people will judge you on is your character and your honesty and integrity. Also your ability to listen and be kind and empathetic. Stop obssessing about this little boy's time of birth and the situation at the time. For some reason still not apparent there is a reason he is on the planet.
the new girl asked to see
the new girl asked to see photos of what we had been doing at the weekend, as we were talking about our weekends! I showed her, and the old photos were right there..
"Stop obssessing about this little boy's time of birth and the situation at the time."
that is great advice, and I really wish I could, but I just cant seem to stop worrying, overthinking and obsessing about.. well, everything. not just SS, every aspect of my life too. its a real problem, my doctor says its anxiety
I'm on the waiting list for therapy, hopefully I will learn techniques to stop worrying.
wow you are so brave to not
wow you are so brave to not care what people think, respect to you.. and clever for coming up with that response haha! I'm sure they dont expect that haha! I hope I can work on not caring what people think, for my own sanity!