The Letter
Dear daddy,
When I try to talk to you about the things that upset me it makes me cry and it is hard to breath. I want you to read this letter and understand what I am trying to say. I do not want to talk about my letter with you and Rachel without mommy being with me.
For the past while I have been feeling angry, upset, confused, nervous and left out. The reason being because you never want to spend time with me. On our weekends you always have company. Could you have company over when I’m not there? Most of the time I feel I am being lied to and put down. You said I can tell you anything, but sometimes you really don’t hear what I am saying. You say what happens at your house stays at your house. How come when I go to Marie and Carson’s house Ellie says to me I’m stirring up trouble? That makes me think that you or Rachel talk about things with them and things are not staying at your house.
When we went to the cottage at the beginning of the summer after Grandpie’s birthday you said you would go swimming in the lake with me. Rachel came in and she started talking about calling Children’s Aid. Later that night in front of Rachel I told you what she said and you said we wouldn’t do that and that Rachel never said that. When I came back in from swimming with Rachel you said you would come swimming with me but you didn’t. Later on we played Uno. After playing Uno you said that Kirsten was at her cottage and said I could go over for half an hour and when I came back we would go for a swim. Well I came back and we never went swimming. That same night before dinner Shawn, you Matt and Uncle Jason where playing Bocci ball and I wanted to play too. You said I could throw the white ball. You said, “sometime at the cottage you and I would play a real game of Bocci Ball.”
After dinner was ready you said that we could play together but that never happened? I was really disappointed. After dinner I was mad because you said you would go swimming, play bocce ball and even a few days before that you said we would go for a walk just you and me. Then you said that I had to go have a shower. Rachie asked me what was wrong, and I told her nothing. She said that she knew there was something wrong so I told her that you lied to me when I was in the washroom. You then slammed the door open because you were listening on the other side of the door. That made me feel I couldn’t trust you. You said that I shouldn’t be mad and you started to make a deal with me “we would play one board game and then I had to go to bed. We played a short game of blokus and then I went to bed at 930pm.You told me I should sleep in the boathouse with nana but I didn’t want to because I had slept there the night before. I ended up in the boathouse anyway.
When Nana came over the day we got back from Rona’s cottage, Nana was helping me clean up my room. I was playing and joking with Rachie. Rachie said that I stress her out. I felt pretty hurt and said that was pretty mean. Nana said that I should not talk to her like that. How was I wrong?
When we go to the cottage I always have to go in and get you beer. You sent me in the cottage several times for beer for you, Matt and Rachie. You made me wait for you to come and jump off the dock with me. I felt like you were stalling. You sent me in to get Rona’s hat .You said I was a “doll” for running around looking after other people. I didn’t like what you called me.
You told me to get off the phone when I was talking to mommy from Rona’s cottage, the call cost money. Rona asked me if I wanted to talk to mommy, I said yes please. You were out on the sun porch when I called her.
Also the day we left for Rona’s cottage I stayed with the girls until you got home from work. Well you came home and called me to come home. You were all mad. I asked you what was wrong and you said nothing. Then Rachie came out and threw the bags on the ground. She was mad too. You started to yell. You then took the fight inside. I told you two that you were acting like children and I was sick and tired of it. Then Rachie said “oh don’t get me started with you”. I took my book to the truck and started to read. I remembered I needed to get my suitcase. Then I came into the house I saw you and Rachie throwing things at each other in the boot room. I stared at what was going on and then went to to the living room and sat on the couch. Then you both came into the living room and yelled at each other. Rachie said she wasn’t going to the cottage and you told her yes she was. I went back to the truck to read my book. You went back outside.. I saw you grab Rachie and do you know how I saw? The back window of the truck was wide open and I heard Rachie screaming, so I looked and saw you grabbing her. I threw my book on the ground and looked out the window. I couldn’t believe what I saw!
I get upset when you say things about Andrew.
The reason I didn’t want to go to Nova Scotia was because I wanted to see Grandma Bird. We were going to go back to school shopping and spend time with nana and papa. The weird part is you didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go you just assumed I would want to go. Plus I was with you half the summer. One more thing, when I talked to you when I was with mommy a week after we got back from the cottage you said that you hadn’t slept all week and a few weeks ago when I talked to you on the phone you said the same thing. So if you hadn’t slept all week then you should have been able to answer my 4 calls. When we did talk later you said your “cell was out of range”. Before you left to go to Nova Scotia you said that we would have a talk about this BS when you got back. It is not BS to me and that comment makes me sad.
I will be with Nana and Papa on Thursday and I need to be at their home on Friday to help Nana with the birthday plans for Papa.
Love Claire
How would you respond to this bucket of half lies! My husband does not abuse me and I never said she was stressful. and on and on it goes.
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Comments
As sad as it sounds I agree
As sad as it sounds I agree with you.....
BM sent this to us from
BM sent this to us from Daughter, majority of this is not true? So why should we expect CAS at our door. Not only that if they did come they would see that it was all lies as well.
Oh boy. You are in for
Oh boy. You are in for it.
First, her mom told her what to say.
Second, she is trying to divide and conquer, and get you away from her dad.
Third, she is a brat from hell.
If her parent were still together, would she expect this asinine level of attention???? Nope.
Her mom typed the letter and
Her mom typed the letter and that is very clear. This isn't the first email letter we have gotten in 11 years. We had another letter years ago that SD11 grandparents made her write because we wanted to take her to a friends trailer. They made her write that she wanted to spend time with her grandparents and couldn't tell us. I will never leave her dad, so she can get passed that. I think that her mother is very jealous of us, so she can get over that as well.
Sounds like a little bird is
Sounds like a little bird is whispering in her ear. :O
Well we used to have her
Well we used to have her every thursday till sunday, but as per court order she is only to be with us every thursday and every other weekend. Looks like we are going back to that. I also don't get if she wants more time with her dad then why hasn't she come over in 3 weeks???
Same here lol as long as hes
Same here lol as long as hes not piss faced drunk I don't see the difference of her grabbing him a beer or grabbing him a coke
Well, first of all I want to
Well, first of all I want to say that things are never 'perfect' when families go on holidays together. Stepfamilies can focus on the imperfections instead of the good times. It seems that is what your SD is doing.
There doesn't seem to be much gratitude for having been taken on a holiday!
If your husband is in the habit of telling his daughter he will do something with her but then he procrastinates or doesn't do it - she will legitimately feel slighted. Make sure your husband follows through. It can be easy to let something distract us from completing an activity with a kid, especially when we really don't want to take an hour to play bocce with a 12 year old who isn't very good at it - but it is important to be a person of action, not just words.
Sounds like a bit of PAS to me when your SD talks about your husband 'abusing' you. I would be very clear with her about how serious it is to make stuff up and that even though people can argue, it's normal. Exaggerating a normal argument between a husband and wife is a very serious thing to say. She must be told to STOP that. Otherwise people will get the idea that you ARE being abused and that you are just covering it up.
My FDH got a much harsher letter from his daughter when she was 13. I don't know what it is with these girls who think they can simply sling arrows at their fathers willy-nilly. It's disgusting and I know how hurtful it is to watch your husband (and you somewhat as well) get slammed in a letter. Talk about 'not trusting'! After you've gotten one of these all you can think of is how you are being watched, judged and reported back to their mothers.
I have no solution but will advise you to be CAREFUL about what this girl sees and can interpret whichever way she wants.
The thing is my SD is being
The thing is my SD is being interagated by her mother and then her mother munipluates what she is saying. Her mom knows how to work the court system, she has taken 3 men to court already.
This is all sad. How can people be so cruel.
we are so good to his SD11. I have taken her every where she has wanted to go and do what she has wanted to do. Niagara falls, great wolf lodge, camping, cottage, sleepovers,wonderland, swimming whenever she wanted even put her in sports when her mother wouldn't. She was even in my wedding party and we even had vows to eachother during the ceremony and this is how I get treated???
Maybe she would discuss it
Maybe she would discuss it with your DH or you & your DH with a counselor present. That way, she isn't "alone" when she discusses this.
Yes, the way things are phrased makes it sound like BM is playing a part. SD may be doing this to please BM or to prove to BM that she is "on her side".
I'm not familiar with the details of your situation, but I do know that our BM has lied & manipulated my DH's kids to the point where they don't know what's real & what's not. They know BM is their mother, so why would they question what she says...?
Is there a chance BM has convinced her that these are true?
I can tell you, my DH went to counseling with his kids a few times & was blown away by the things that came up. SS swore up & down that he saw DH punch BM. He couldn't give details about where they were or why they were arguing, but he'll swear he saw it happen. DH confronted BM with it & she had some story where DH & BM & the kids were all in the car looking for new place for her (BM) to live & all of a sudden DH got mad & "blacked her eye".
DH didn't know what to say. All he could get out was, "What the fuck are you talking about, BM? Are you saying we packed the kids up in the car & made a day of finding mommy a new house because she wanted to leave us???". She said, "yes".
WHO DOES THAT? It isn't logical. Parents don't load the kids up to go find mommy a new house. But apparently that's the story SS was referring to when he said he saw it happen.
I don't mean to make this about me, but I wanted to give an example of how great an influence a parent can have on their child...how their "Mother" title can make it so easy to manipulate & convince a child.
Like I said, I'm not familiar with the details of your situation, so I'm not sure if this applies. It's just what came to my mind when I read the letter.
clearly everything is YOUR
clearly everything is YOUR fault! seems the little ungrateful brat isn't set on a high enough pedestal.
i don't know your dh, he's either going to bow down and kiss her little ass (like mine would do) or he's going to call her out on her lies and explain that life's not always fair, etc...
if i were you, i would want to choke the little bitch ~ i wouldn't but i would want to. and unfortunately, i would also make all her future visits (at least the next few) miserable as hell, give her something to cry baby about!
^^ completely agree with
Thank you BM has done this
Thank you BM has done this kind of crap with other men. She currently this year had her ex boyfriend taken to court because she accussed him of beating her son and her. SD had to go to court to protest against him even though she was never involved or hurt. Her mother convinced her to protect them saying they would get this sucker. She is now back with her son's dad who she also kicked out because he cheated on her after she was already having an affair. At that point she also warned our sD to never talk to him because he was a bad man, now he is back in the family. I don't get it.
You never will,
You never will, unfortunately. I have tried and tried. I went to counseling with my BM, talked it all out. She said she was grateful her kids had someone like me in her life and when I didn't become bff's with her it all turned again. I also think she is back on drugs because her behavior is exactly the same when she did them before and ended up in rehab. I have stories for days which sounds like you do as well. Don't try to understand her - just make the most of what goes on in your home and don't give her ANY ammunition. I don't ever let his boys hear or see us argue - if they ever said anything I know she would run with it. Its sad but you have to protect yourself.
I guess I would need to know
I guess I would need to know what is true and what is untrue in the letter.
Well this is what is untrue.
Well this is what is untrue. I never said she is stressful. Her aunt Rhona never asked her if she wanted to call her mom. Her cousin Ellie never said that she was causing problems. SD BF did play with her and spend time with her even if it wasn't at the time she wanted. Husband never slammed the bathroom door open. DH doesn't beat me, we were yelling at eachother and having an arguement, but it was out of stress and adults don't get along 24hrs a day 7 days a week. I never said that I would call CAS, I said if someone finds out 11 yr old is babysitting a 7yr old all summer 10hrs a day someone might call. the list goes on.....
You have a good point.
You have a good point.
My husband does not beat
My husband does not beat me!!! I don't drink Beer so she doesn't get it for me, but she does occassionally for her dad, but so did I was I was a kid. We only asked that she not call her mom several times during our visit with her because she had been with her mom for a full week on vacation and we did not see her on our regular scheduled visit, so we wanted to spend time with her and not have her on the phone all day with her mom. IF she wants to bring the courts in, then by all means because for 7years I have been keeping logs of all the things she has done to her dtr and us.
IMO, sending his child to
IMO, sending his child to fetch beer for himself & others is irresponsible & inappropriate. Yelling at each other where she is present is inappropriate. If she was talking to her mom while you & your DH were busy doing something else or visiting with other people, she wasn't taking away from your time with her.
She complained about her dad making promises to swim & play with her & him not following through. He shouldn't be making promises he isn't willing to keep, but you say he did play with her at other times.
The only thing in the letter that I think might raise any hairs is the mention of abuse.
Kids don't get to decide who will do what when, so the stuff about playing when she wanted to play isn't going to mean anything. Just because she didn't get to stay on the phone as long as she wanted to isn't going to mean anything in court.
All-in-all, she may not want to spend as much time with you guys. She's reaching an age where some judges would take her wishes into consideration, so her complaining may result in a judge being looser with enforcing the visitation if you were to fight it.
Your 7 years of logs probably won't carry a lot of weight, just because you've been holding them for 7 years & nothing has been pressing enough or serious enough to file complaints. It would be obvious that the only reason you'd be bringing any of it up is to get back at BM for taking your DH to court (should it go there).
Believe me that the
Believe me that the insistence with her mom that I have logged are alot more serious then SD accusations about us. We never filed a complaint because the BM is so coniving and munipulative we are afraid to lose our sd, now we have done nothing and look what's happened. This is the first instance that SD has been unhappy with us.
Oh, I don't think anything in
Oh, I don't think anything in the letter is going to be enough to get you or your DH in trouble. The abuse is probably the only thing that would be questioned.
I was just saying that the fact that you've been holding records for 7 years without taking any action isn't likely to spark anything either. If it hasn't been pressing enough to file on, it probably isn't going to carry anymore weight than what's in this letter.
^^^THIS.. Sending a kid to
^^^THIS..
Sending a kid to get beer?!? I must live in an alternate reality.
Dad is making empty promises. Those will stick with her forever.
Hand to God honest here... My DD12 wrote a letter to her loser-ass father. I didn't even know she'd written it; she did it during free time at school. She asked me to bring it to her father (I was meeting him to get a signature for name changes.) He read it, looked totally unaffected, folded it up, and said "thanks." WTF? I asked him what he thought.
He said there was NO way she had written it. It sounded to grown up, articulate, etc. I *must* have written it... or someone else, like her grandmother (my mother.)
And it was well written. It didn't read much like a child had written it. And I didn't touch a single thing in it. It went to him EXACTLY as she'd written it.
I'd seriously caution against just assuming something and reacting as if the assumption is FACT. Try to read how SD says she's FEELING in this letter, not each individual claim.
I agree that at this point,
I agree that at this point, the broken promises & hurt feelings are what will stand out for SD. She's reaching the age where judges will start to consider her wishes in regards to visitation. If a judge allows her to opt out of visitation, it won't be so much about legal battle, but his relationship with her that will suffer.
No kid gets all the attention they want, but parents set a poor example when they promise something & choose not to follow through.
When she talks about having time without company over, I don't think it's a lot to ask. Especially if your arguement for her not talking to her mom is about taking away from your time with her. You see her EOW. That leaves you every week & EOW to hang out with company.
I don't suggest your DH bend to her every whim. I don't think it's imperative that he make you sit in another room so they can have "alone" time together. But I do think it's important to recognize that she's requesting more quality time. You're suggesting she shouldn't talk her mom because it takes away from your time with her, but at the same time, your Dh is brushing her off to visit with company.
The abuse I was referring to
The abuse I was referring to was when SD said she saw her dad abusing OP. I wasn't suggesting that dad's actions in regards to SD was abuse. I agree that it's just not great parenting.
Protect yourself! Love and
Protect yourself! Love and light to you
About the getting daddy a
About the getting daddy a beer. It isnt like he is sitting on the couch and making her do it. It's usually when he is busy doing something for her or doing housework, and sometimes it's just when she goes to the fridge to get herself a drink.
It boils down to two things -
It boils down to two things - SD wants time with dad and BM is jealous of the life we have to interagate her dtr and bring all this crap up and not help her deal with it properly.
Sounds good to me!
Sounds good to me!
No kid wrote that it's all BM
No kid wrote that it's all BM that's the reason mom should be there to discuss the letter so BM can prompt and remind the kid of the "truth" and say things like "no honey remember you told me xyz remember" and then make up details the kid" remembers"
Sounds like a lot of
Sounds like a lot of nitpicking to me, and trying to start a fight.
If she doesn't want to visit, let her stay home. That cured my SD of things like this.
I would have a family meeting
I would have a family meeting - DH & you sit down with this child. I wonder if she even knows it was sent. It was definitely written by an adult. She still uses Mommy & Daddy but easily describes all these issues?? No way.
I think the letter is
I think the letter is ridiculous. All kids feel slighted at one time or another. Whether they are children of divorce or from Intact families. IMO, this is a prime age for young girls to be overly dramatic. Once in another lifetime I had a teen sd. She wrote in her journal how her dad was always drunk and how she hated it when he was drunk because he hit her. She also said I purposely would erase her homework assignments and such on the computer because I didn't like her. Her other complaints were that I had used the bathroom when she needed to get ready for school. ( p,ease forgive me sd for taking a pee in my own house that I pay for in the full hour that you spend getting ready in our only bathroom each morning). None of it was true. None of it- well wait I did take a pee. It was kinda scary because she was taking it to school to turn in for a homework assignment. Dh confronted her on it and she got angry and refused to speak about it.
What struck me by the letter is that she appears to think she should call the shots. From when you have company, to where or if you go on holiday, when your dh swims or hangs out with her. Or whether or not she brings you beverages. I remember bringing a beverage or two growing up and I can't say that my kids have never brought me one. Alcohol is not an illegal substance, people. If they were telling her to drink it I'd get it, but they are asking her to bring them a bottle or can. She can't get intoxicated that way. Alcohol becomes a problem when people get stupid with it- I didn't see anything from the op or the letter that indicated that any adult figures behaved Inappropriately.
It sounds as is she went home and told bm that she doesn't get enough attention, the world doesn't revolve around her when she's there, and she actually is treated like a kid rather than an adult or mini wife.
^^^^This^^^^ Totally
^^^^This^^^^ Totally agree.
My SD has routinely sent letters just like this over the years. Her last letter was about 2 months ago and she was upset because she felt that a family vacation was due her.... well, her, SS and STBXH. Just the three of them. SD is 24 and SS is 18.
LMFAO! THEY deserve a family vacation??? Vacation from what?? They don't work, they live with BM f/t, and there are no chores or rules. Again, LMFAO!
Husband and I talked last
Husband and I talked last night and tonight is the first time in 3 weeks (longest time apart) so we are just going to go about business as usual and not even mention the letter that clearly her mother wrote. I agree I think this is BM way of starting a fight. We don't act like this in our family and we are not going to condone it either. We love her and just want to spend time with her.