Im gonna lay out the background facts as to not confuse people. My DH's mom got remarried when he was 5 he also had a 3 yr old sister, his new step dad had a 6 yr old son. DH was the quiet shy, weak one if you will ( not my words) his sister was the only girl and youngest so naturally she could do no wrong ( naturally) his step brother was the hell cat. This mirrors our now family situation (except the little sister is a baby brother) Dh was constantly beat up and harrased by his SB. His parents fought constantly about SB's behavior, which tore a rift between them. Eventually it became "your son and MY son" ( just like in my house currently)SB lied, shoplifted, bullied other other kids, and drove his SM ( dh's mother) INSANE. Dh's dad ( techincally step dad) was always out to sea and did not believe his kid was really behaving that badly..so of course Stepmom was exaggerating and crazy ( this causes MORE issues. Finally he retired and was home FULLtime and saw exactly what SM was talking about. ( Im certain he knew but was just in denial) It got to the point that SM HATED her SS. She went to therapy to keep from physically abusing him ( punching the crap out of him) They sent SS and all of the kids to therapy for years...this did not help SS. Finally as a teen SS got so out of control they let him move to italy with his mother ( note BM abandoned him and was a professional shop lifter/gypsy)the few times he did visit with her she made sure he KNEW that SM was not his real mom and that he didn't have to do what she said ( negative re-enforcement by a birth parent) sometimes this happens in secret..my SS's BM does this online using skype ( shameful) As a teen SB(SS) BM could not control him either and sent him back to SM and dad..the bad behavior, lack of good judgment, stealing, and bullying continued. As an adult SS was arrested for drugs and weapons ( felony) say good bye to having a real job ever...a yr in the pen, now he is a drug dealer, and chronic drug user. He HATES SM and will tell anyone " that's not my mom, she never did sh** for me, i hate my dad too for siding with her..they are dead to me" don't get me wrong, I don't get along with the mother in law but she raised him since he was 6 and NO reward for it. He made her life HELL and now she is quote dead to him. The BM who abandoned him twice, he holds in high regard like the virgin mary (seriously)..so what im trying say is sometimes SK's don't change and go from dysfunctional kids to dysfunctional adults. No matter how hard you tried to make it work. Im scared i'll end up the same way..SS ruins my life and makes me miserable ..causes fights between me and DH...finally he'll turn 18 and we boot him out ( YES IT WILL BE A SWIFT BOOT OUT OF MY HOUSE..BAGS PACKED THE DAY BEFORE HIS 18TH BIRTHDAY) he will hate me and tell wonderful stories about BM who has done nothing for him. What do you do when you've done all you can and the outcome is still BAD?