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in despair's picture

Submitted by in despair on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 1:29am

My bf of 5 yrs has a 19 year old dh and two other kids (16 & 6). I have two of my own (13 & 6). We have been together 5 yrs and we"ve been living together for 3. I want it to work, but I can't stand his oldest. She is still living at home and contributes absolutely nothing to the household by way of finances or chores. We have many issues with her lying and manipulative behaviour, the problem is my BF doesn't see it. I have thought seriously about ending the relationship as I don't think she'll ever leave home, I mean why would she? she has it made right here. She has her own fully furnished basement apartment in our house. My bf feels like his daughter walks on water and there has yet to be any discipline laid down for her actions. She didn't even graduate last year because she was always missing school (to the tune of 90 days) and I can't stand living in the same house with her. I find myself locking myself in my room when I know she's in the house. It's terrible and I'm miserable. I feel like we should break up, but we have purchased a house together and the break up would be tough on the kids. I have a great realtionship with his other two, just not this one. What do I do. If I ask him to make her move, he'll always resent me. If I let her stay, I will continue to resent him and her and we'll probably end up broken up anyway. Help. What should I do?

Comments

Most Evil's picture

Submitted by Most Evil on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 5:38am

Hi, welcome. Have you read here about disengaging yet.?

Just ignore SD and let her dad deal with her. She is still young but I am sure she will want her own place at some point. Just try to ignore her.

20YearsAsAStep-Mom's picture

Submitted by 20YearsAsAStep-Mom on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 5:39am

If she has her own basement apt downstairs she should be paying rent first off unless she is in school full-time.

Does she enter your home upstairs often unannounced? If yes, why does she do this? She needs to be told that her living downstairs is a compromise to her being told to leave but that you have boundaries and she cannot waltz in and out of your home without being invited.

Your BF has guilty dad syndrome and will not listen to complaints about his precious DD. It is time to tell him YOUR needs and boundaries without bashing the SD. Tell him you feel uncomfortable with her skulking around and that you feel YOUR privacy is being compromised. AT this point the discussion should focus on YOU and what you need to make this work. If he fails to respect you I would seriously begin preparation to run like hell - it will never get better. Good luck

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 8:47am

You need to convince your BF that this in not in anyone's best interest, least of all his daughter's. She needs to learn responsibility and independence. That is a parent's job, to raise their children to become productive members of society. He is showing the other children that this is ok. Does he want them all living at home for the rest of their lives?

loulou87's picture

Submitted by loulou87 on Mon, 08/27/2012 - 9:05am

I feel your pain. My BF and I lived together for 3 years and were together for five. We have four girls ages 11, 13,14 and 15 - two are his and two are mine. I understand what you are feeling as I have felt the same way. I just moved out last month. It is the best choice that I have ever made. I struggled with the break up and how it would affect my girls. Honestly, my girls are very happy that we now live in our own house. They are away from the conflict and the fighting that has gone on for two years and are relieved to be away from it all. I cannot tell you that I feel better. I gave up a man that I truly loved but for the sake of myself and my girls I had too. He had horrible children - not that mine are perfect. His girls have been expelled from school, both have been arrested for underage drinking and he has to call the police when they sneak out of the house and refuse to come home. I could no longer explain to my girls that they had to behave when his did not. He would not punish his children out of fear that they would never come back. The 15 year old did not come over for 9 months after she was expelled for drugs. She was mad that we wanted her punished.

My advice is to leave and leave sooner rather than later. Situations like this turn ugly quickly. I have put up with my BF being verbally abusive to me and my kids, unkind to the dog and he will never get out of his denial.

Run away and don't look back. You deserve better. I know - I was in your shoes. See your family doctor and get some professional counseling. You will never regret your decision.