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3rd teenager home from year abroad - total shift in dynamic

steph9's picture

Submitted by steph9 on Sat, 07/14/2012 - 2:55pm

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Teenage Stepchildren

For the past year, I have been living with my fiance and his 2 boys (13 & 14) while his daughter (16) has been studying abroad. She just came home and everything feels thrown out of whack. The boys and I got very close, but the daughter questions me on everything and is very domineering. I don't feel comfortable in my own house anymore, and I'm not sure how to handle this because things had gone pretty smoothly with the boys.

We put off the wedding until the daughter returned home. We are getting married in 6 weeks. The daughter does not want her father to remarry and has made that clear. I'm feeling really depressed about this situation so I thought I'd join this group to see if anyone has any ideas. My fiance says not to take it personally since she's just a teenager, but I can't help it.

Orange County Ca's picture

Submitted by Orange County Ca on Sat, 07/14/2012 - 5:07pm

She's gotten that independence from her year abroad and for her it was an excellent experience. Her father has got to put her in her place but since he has not done it so far its unlikely he's going to. Plus he may not be effective at it as she may decide to defy him anyway.

Obviously tell your finacee that the wedding is indefinitely postponed until you are satisfied that he can bring this under control. And I do mean him - this is not your responsibility and you must keep out of the dynamics of father/daughter completely. Anything you have to say is said to him in complete and assured privacy. To interject yourself into the problem will only harden her stance - guaranteed.

I hope you're not letting your biological clock push you into a situation you'll regret. Far better to have no kids at all then to bring one into a losing situation where another broken family is created.

Note my comments below - you might take heed.

steph9's picture

Submitted by steph9 on Sun, 07/15/2012 - 1:17pm

Thank you for your advice and thoughts -- update is that we are going to see a counselor to address this issue. My SO and I had a long talk last night and I think he is starting to see it a bit from my perspective -- or at least is trying to. Thanks again...I'm sure I'll be back on here soon!

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Sun, 07/15/2012 - 12:20am

Steph, that must be hard.It sounds as if she claims her position as the alpha female in your household that she lost when she took off.And your SO is , of course, in denial, as it is not an attack at him but at you.So he wipes it all off as typical teenager behaviour.
Men seem to like the easiest and uncomplicated ways.Almost always.In order for you to be seen and heard you must stand up for yourself and make him aware of the dynamics and that this is a typical thing in step families.Maybe finding a few articles or getting the book step monster can help him to understand that you are not petty or jealous, but you are facing a very real threat from his dominating daughter, who makes it clear that she doesn't want him to marry you.
SO needs to sit down with her and have a serious talk that it is not up to her to decide what is happening in your house and in your rs.She needs to learn how to treat you with respect and also that she is not an adult.

oncechoosetosmile's picture

Submitted by oncechoosetosmile on Sun, 07/15/2012 - 12:23am

And Steph, many many times, it is the step daughters who behave like that in step families, believing their daddys should stay their property for good, read around here a bit.You may have done all the right things and been the best step mum and still get kicked in the ass.It is time for your SO to step up and help his future wife .

steph9's picture

Submitted by steph9 on Sun, 07/15/2012 - 1:21pm

Thanks. I think you're right -- I've heard that it's easier in general for SMs with boys rather than girls. The year apart made it possible for me to get a good solid foundation with my future step-sons but not with the daughter. While she was away, I emailed her regularly (about 1/month)to try to keep in touch but she never wrote me back even once.

Her possessiveness towards my SO and unwillingness to accept me is unnerving and upsetting, but I think I did get through to my SO during a long talk last night. We are going to see a counselor together ASAP (possibly involving the daughter down the road if she continues to act out like this). I don't know...it's so hard...but your kind words really helped. Thanks.

-Steph