NOW DH is screwing up the weekend! (sorry to be a blog hog)
...
Sorry to be a blog hog today but this is getting unreal. As stated in my previous post (rant), I was worried sick again over the weekend plans and not having one clue as to what to expect. I wanted to go to the beach this weekend, DH, little old me, and BS1. BS1 has not been anywhere since he was 3 mths. old BECAUSE his dad is not making ends meet lately and BM went for full C/S, during his last unemployment...
Anyway, so BM normally throws the old "blah blah blah wants to come over", at the last minute, and DH caves. SS8 talks to me behind his dad's back about HOW MUCH MONEY DADDY HAS :O and that sugar step pop is RICH and gives the old ex-gold digger cards to pay with. Sweet, isn't that of his kid? (not my kid, no way).
So, I'm sick here today and did go ahead and throw out MY PLANS to DH, so he would know maybe what I wanted to do, for a change and get this, he emails me back, asking me if his son can come over this weekend?!! What? I JUST asked him very nicely if we could all 3 go to the beach, and he has to fuck up everything by pulling that crap? Why??? Why can't I have one single weekend alone with MY family? I don't call up my other son and say, " Hey, we 3 are needing some time alone as a family after working 60 hours a week, you want to jump in too?" No. I do not do that. IF BM were not bad enough doing this crap, now I must have a guilty dad on my hands as well, who can't even ENJOY his baby boy without feeling freaking guil;ty over a kid that really could give two shits about him, never calls, forgets he is alive, when sugar step pop is living it up with all of them.
Grr. long rant. IF he can't get a grip, how will he ever stand up to BM for once, and tell her NO. Oh I am soooooooooooooo f-n mad.
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So when he asked you if SS
So when he asked you if SS could come over this weekend, did you say no?
Here is my actual
Here is my actual "response";
As far as Sunday goes, the only thing that bothers me is that if I see something that our baby might need, or me or you, that SS8 will feel like he should have anything bought for him too. BS1 does not receive any other dinners or support financially and it is an awkward situation. Sooner or later you are going to have to explain that to him. Both of them, as BS1 gets older too. We already take a hit from the C/S that is taken out of your pay.
Whatever you want to do is fine by me. If I have to, I'll just go somewhere with BS1 by myself this weekend so that you can have your day with SS8.
It seems like you're in a
It seems like you're in a competition (on BS1's behalf) with SS to make sure SS doesn't get anything more than BS1 gets.
BS1 isn't going to care if SS gets something he doesn't get. In the future, it would make sense to see that things are fair, but your kid is 1. None of this means ANYthing to him.
Your DH asked your thoughts. He was considerate of your feelings. You had the opportunity to say no & you didn't. If whatever he does ISN'T fine by you, why would you say it is?
You're upset because your DH doesn't speak up & tell BM no, but you're doing the same thing.
"whatever you want to do is
"whatever you want to do is fine by me".....
But it's NOT.
You should have said, "no. I was looking forward to a weekend with just us with BS1. I made plans for us. Next weekend would work much better."
And if dh has a problem, then tell him that you are telling him the truth. He asked. You answered. If he is going to ask and then not respect your wishes, then you will just spend the weekend with bs by yourself.
I agree 100%. You have the
I agree 100%. You have the right to express your wants and needs. And for what it is worth, I would tell him that I cannot cope without a set schedule of knowing when you will have SS.
WOW!! Your DH is not getting
WOW!! Your DH is not getting it is he?
I think maybe if you make it MORE about you and DS it may go a little better…maybe.
Don’t make it about CS or how much SS gets. Make it about YOU wanting time with your Husband.
Ugh…I don’t know girl. Does he want to really see SS or is he afraid to tell BM no?
Interesting: I feel like I am
Interesting: I feel like I am in a chess match. Here was his last response;
"If there is something that BS1 or you or I might need, then we’ll just get it. No need to walk on egg shells like that. No need to go somewhere with BS1 by yourself."
Is he avoiding the actual situation or is he actually ??? saying that he understands?
too evasive here
Wow, that is evasive. Tell
Wow, that is evasive. Tell him you want time with just you and him, and BS1. Tell him that no schedule is not good for you...this is your moment... say it. In a nice way, but say it, or you will be doomed to this evasive type of convo until you do.
Why not just ask him? "DH, I
Why not just ask him?
"DH, I want you & me & BS to spend the weekend at the beach...just the 3 of us. Are you in?"
I do agree with him that anticipating whether or not you can purchase needs for the 3 of you without buying something for SS8 is unnecessary. Get what you need for whomever needs it.
To me, it seems like you're making this more difficult than it needs to be. It doesn't have to be a chess match. Just say what you mean. If you aren't okay with SS coming over this weekend, when your DH asks if you are, say no.
I'm not trying to create an
I'm not trying to create an argument with you, but why should she have to say no?
Given her history and the tenor of her email, a person with Asperger's should be able to tell she doesn't want SS there.
Her DH already knows. It's not a mystery.
I agree, but it seems as
I agree, but it seems as though he is putting the ball in her court and now it is time to just be point blank about her needs and wants.
I'm probably putting too much
I'm probably putting too much of my experience in there.
I can tell my DH things that bother me, point blank, and I get yelled at for being mean and insensitive, and then later he acts like we never had the discussion.
So that wouldn't work for my DH, but you're right, her DH isn't my DH.
Thanks. At this point I don't
Thanks. At this point I don't really care anymore if I look mean or insensitive, you know? What do I have left to lose?
Sorry but this is NOT my kid, the child needs so much attention and care, wants everything, and will not even go outside and play like a normal 8 yr. old boy. (I have two boys now). Yes, the 1st of mine did go out and play, because I made him! *gasp* such a cruel mom I am to enforce social skills and activity...
So, my BS1 literally plays by himself, happilly, longer than SS8... Can you see my frustration here?
I need this weekend too?!
A simple "no" would solve the
A simple "no" would solve the back & forth. He very clearly asked if she was okay with it & instead of very clearly saying "no" she replied with question about what if SS thought he needed to buy something because they bought something for someone else.
Should she HAVE to say no? Maybe not, but it certainly would put the chess match to rest.
My DH says stuff like that.
My DH says stuff like that. When he says it, it's usually an attempt to wallpaper over a crappy situation he created. He downplays my feelings and the heart of the issue to focus on some trivial piece of the issue, and puts a big smiley face on it.
If I try to continue the discussion from there, DH will wonder why I'm creating an argument out of nothing when we had everything all resolved.
Maybe your DH is totally different, but this sounded very familiar....
and, he just called too. I
and, he just called too. I asked him, "what about this weekend, school does start on Monday and BM will want to have SS8 with her on the first day?" and he only said, "did you get my reply???" (email). he is avoiding everything.
I need to just speak up. This will get worse and worse if I do not become vocal. They need a set schedule, and that is that. There are others involved here too, as well.
Perhaps the 2 of them can arrange to both take SS8 to his 1st day of school together... that would NOT confuse the shit out of SS8, would it??? (sarcasm)
The old, " fake, co-parenting, divorced, now all are remarried, nuclear, public eye" act that looks absurd and confuses the kids involved.
Yes, you just need to speak
Yes, you just need to speak up. If you start communicating directly & clearly with your DH, then perhaps he will do the same with you instead of being evasive.
My email: "Hi sweetie, Please
My email:
"Hi sweetie,
Please listen and take no offense but there needs to be some kind of schedule in place. I really wanted to just spend a weekend with my husband and our son. It seems that every time I try to make any kind of plans with the 3 of us, I get a "no." DH, that is not fair at all to me or BS1. We have not really been able to do one thing with you for months. I thought you would understand that."
There. guilt put back on him now. Sorry, but someone had to finally say something. jeez.
This is truly insane. He is
This is truly insane. He is not retarded. He knows I mean no. I should not have to go through this stress, just to get one single weekend.
So tired of this BS.
I have to LOL at you butter!
I have to LOL at you butter! And I say this with love...you are doing the same thing to him that he did to you.
I'm glad you said that. I
I'm glad you said that. I was starting to feel like I was the only one seeing that!
Wasn't that a nice way of
Wasn't that a nice way of saying, "hell no?" or should I just text a huge
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO to make it clear to the idiot? LOL }:)
I know you posted that for
I know you posted that for Butterfly but that had a lot of resonance for me too. I see the reason I tend not to be direct with my husband is because he doesn't give a crap, so what is being direct going to do for me? It's just going to get him mad and he's not going to fix the problem anyway...just redouble his efforts to convince me my way of looking at things is wrong.
But if he's an ass he's going
But if he's an ass he's going to be one regarless of how she replies. She's complaining that her DH won't be direct & speak his mind, but she's not being anymore direct & when he asked a very simple yes/no question & gave her an easy opportunity to simply say "no" she sent back a reply saying she was fine with whatever he wanted to do. Truth is, she's anything BUT fine with it.
I guess it's all in what we prefer. I prefer simple, honest, & clear. I'm not one to create grief for myself for the sake of creating it for someone else.
I suppose for some it all about the strategy & the game. To each his own. :?
I find that it is best to be
I find that it is best to be very, very direct with my dh. At times when I've tried to tiptoe around issues he totally misses the point, may be becaue eh wants to miss the point-so when it comes to ss I've learned to speak very directly which at times comes off very harshly as well. He, himself, still tiptoes around ss issues and doesnt like to bring stuff up because he doesnt want to make me mad. Sigh. He says I get all weird when it comes to ss.
In your situation, I would simply state that I need a schedule. Which I would definitely need this. It wouldnt even necessarily be about ss, for me, but gee, I just cant live not knowing day to day what to expect, who's going to be staying at my house, and who's going on family outings. I'm just not good with that. I would come at it from this direction so he doesnt feel the need to defend ss.
Also let him know there are occassionally times that you would like to just hang out with him and bs. Ask him if he is ok with this. Remind him that ss hangs out with his bm and other assorted family members so you feel like your son should that experience as well.
Yes, perhaps you are exactly
Yes, perhaps you are exactly right. IF that is his mindset though, he is the stupidest man on our planet. If only you could see what I am talking about.
Wow. He cussed me out? He was
Wow. He cussed me out? He was mad and typed WTF back to me JUST because I told him that they need to have a schedule?
Here is my final responsde to him, I was very blunt;
"I'm not trying to fight at all here but be honest. BS1 barely knows who you are lately. When he wakes up, you are gone, when you get home at night, he is going to sleep. He desperately needs to be with his mom and dad, alone, once in awhile.
Without cussing me out as usual, please understand that I could not be anymore blunt about the word "no" this weekend. You guys need to get together on some kind of schedule, somehow. Like EOW, or something so that everyone else can plan accordingly in advance.
I can't understand why you would throw all of this last minute stuff on me while I am only trying to be happy, make a plan for once, and maybe spend some time with my husband. I've dealt with no schedules really, for four years. I never know what is going on.
please do not keep me hanging. thx."
Really? His response was WTF
Really? His response was WTF to you wanting a schdule and to spend time with him? Wow. Can you get a third party to tell hi to pull his head out? ETA: by third party I mean a therapist....
Do you think there was
Do you think there was anything wrong with my above email? He has not responded yet. What does that mean?
"I'm not trying to fight at
"I'm not trying to fight at all here but be honest. BS1 barely knows who you are lately."
"Without cussing me out as usual, please understand that I could not be anymore blunt about the word "no" this weekend."
"I can't understand why you would throw all of this last minute stuff on me while I am only trying to be happy, make a plan for once, and maybe spend some time with my husband."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IMO, all of those statements throw fault & blame.
You accused him of having no relationship with a 1-year old.
You suggest he makes a habit of cussing you out.
You said that you couldn't have been more blunt about "no", however you couldn't bring yourself to just say "no". You insisted on throwing guilt at him & suggesting he should be able to decipher what you really meant.
You pretty much accuse him of intentionally failing to communicate clearly while all you do is try to be happy.
My guess is he's feeling attacked & guilted & probably pissed.
Well if he actually does
Well if he actually does stuff like cuss her out, should she just pretend that doesn't happen? Is it an attack or a fact? And if it is a fact, maybe he should just stop doing it, instead of being pissy about being called out on it.
DeeDee. exactly. These are
DeeDee. exactly. These are facts. He should NOT lose it when called out on it and turn that around on me, to make me look crazy? That is called gaslighting and I am reading up on it and becoming more aware of these mind games.
Of course he should be called
Of course he should be called out on it. However, if my DH always cussed me out I wouldn't be addressing him as "Sweetie" either.
Nobody should put up with being mistreated, verbally or physically.
I was just noting that her reply was loaded.
It seems that he is happier
It seems that he is happier when I just pretend, say nothing and comply with what he wants.
No woman should have to try to explain herself to the point of so much stress.
Here goes his normal yelling when I do not just go along with what he wants; I need to do things too.
"Here we go again. I’m not participating in this, again. Especially from work. I can’t do this job anymore and deal with this. I’m outta here"
What??? :O wow. All I did was ask for a schedule?
So don't worry about making
So don't worry about making him happier. Be honest about what makes you happy. You aren't with him to make him happy. You're with him to be happy with him, right? Why should you always put yourself in a position of sucking up the crap while he lives carefree?
The back-&-forth shouldn't be happening through email. This should be a real conversation...face-to-face.
Communication is important. Honesty is important. No games. No guilt. No blaming.
You didn't just ask for a schedule. You included a whole lot of blame & guilt. I see you adding so much to the complication & then trying to pin it all on him.
"Here we go again. I’m not
"Here we go again. I’m not participating in this, again. Especially from work. I can’t do this job anymore and deal with this. I’m outta here"
++++++++++++++++++++
Emotional blackmail. What an ass.
Yes, Willow. I'm no angel
Yes, Willow. I'm no angel here but he is becoming more emotionally abusive lately. gaslighting, stonewalling, etc. ONLY when it comes time to talk about SS8 and the BM? What is going on here?
My DH does this. He does it
My DH does this. He does it because he's not:
1. Interested in changing whatever he's doing that makes me upset and
2. Putting his big boys pants on and dealing with me being upset by his behavior
He tries to convince you that the whole thing is your fault, or at least shut up about it so he doesn't have to deal with it.
exactly.
exactly.
Oh yes, and I cause too much
Oh yes, and I cause too much stress and need "help" , not him at all? Righto, dude. Funny how when I bring up only these issues, I need "help."
I think you both need help
I think you both need help communicating with each other.
@ stormabruin: I have tried
@ stormabruin:
I have tried so so so hard to talk with him, face to face. He stomps off, throws things, slams the door, locks himself in the bedroom, all I HAD been doing at those times was begging him to only talk with me? NOT a big deal.
I was told to communicate thru email since he acts out like this in person. He could not walk away from emails and I FINALLY got to speak my peace.
Am I ruining our marriage? If he acts like an ass and a baby, it is already ruined and the sooner I can heal and move on with MY LIFE.
Have you guys tried
Have you guys tried counseling to work through this? If the only way you can communicate with your DH is through email, it seems as though there's not a lot of marriage to ruin.
I'm not trying to be argumentative. I just see you complaining about him being wishy-washy & then you being wishy-washy right back. Obviously I don't know you & I don't know your DH. I'm just reading a blog & responding based on what I read.
If he's an abusive ass, then I absolutely agree. The best thing you can do is move on with your life.
Take your son to the beach this weekend. Leave your DH with SS & go enjoy yourself!
The emails back & forth are loaded with fuel. Nothing good comes from that. They weren't communication. They were just accusatory & full of blame. That's no better than what you describe the face-to-face to be.
Again, I'm not not trying to be shitty. Just commenting on what I'm reading here.
My exH was emotionally abusive. I'll be the first to tell you that getting away from that was the best decision I've ever made.
I don't think you are being
I don't think you are being shitty at all actually but quite helpful , and on your time, laying out the truth about what is happening.
I'll be honest. IF BS1 were not here, I would have already left him. It is tough when you have a baby. I think I am dreaming though now.
I am not being as honest in my replies as I should, you were right, BUT because I am so afraid of always pissing him off.
Your story sounds a lot like
Your story sounds a lot like mine. My husband has conditioned me that telling the truth on certain issues will just get me a pile of crap, so why bother?
Then, they can ignore us and claim they didn't know we had an issue (they know damn well.). If we bring it up again because we take them at face value, they punish us again (yelling, cursing, stomping around.)
I wish I could help. There are no good answers in that situation.
I can understand that.
I can understand that. However I realized that:
Being honest = getting shit on
Suffering in silence = getting shit on
If I'm going to get shit on either way, I'll leave the dirty work to him. I wasn't going to continue doing it to myself. I wasn't about to go out of my way to keep him happy while I suffered. His feelings are no more important than mine, but I was putting mine behind his just like he was. I was treating myself the same way I hated him for treating me.
There are not EASY answers, but there are answers. When you've had enough, you'll know it.
Why is it that these DHs only
Why is it that these DHs only worry about the SKIDS well being? And bios be damned? And when you ask them to step up to the plate w/ the bios and be a dad YOU need "help"??? It's like falling down the rabbit hole in "Alice in Wonderland"!!!
I have no clue. I see a
I have no clue.
I see a pattern developing here in a very unhealthy way though;
UNLESS DH gets some help, gets over whatever guilt is eating him up, this is how it will be in his mind, as far as priorities:
#1- SS8
#2- Goild digger BM
#3- Daddy's precious car
#4- BS1
#5- " HIS HOUSE" WTF? I don't think so, MR. }:)
#6- HIS WALLET
*7- Just me" not saying anything and letting him live in whatever fantasy world he thinks he is in. stupid man. so very stupid of him.
YOU GOT IT. tHAT IS ALL TOO.
YOU GOT IT. tHAT IS ALL TOO. nOT HIS PAYCHECK, CAR, WHATEVER. just a husband by my side.
He is getting older and older and will screw up the best woman/ family to ever come in his sad life. What a shame.
Before you go running to the
Before you go running to the docs to get a shitload of psych meds because you are not happy with everything and vocalize about it, ask yourselves this;
Am I like this AWAY from the situation? If you say "no", and remember being more yourselves BEFORE this relationship, psych meds will NOT help you. The DH's need the help. I tell myself, "I'm fine without this BS?"
DH does not seem to like my new big girl attitude lately. oh well. I was miserable the other way and am trying to stand up for me.
I'm going to try to get ready
I'm going to try to get ready at home and take my BS1 with me to a marketplace, alone if need be.
I can do this.
Damn, my DH acts exactly like
Damn, my DH acts exactly like this sometimes, esp this: "Here we go again. I’m not participating in this, again. Especially from work. I can’t do this job anymore and deal with this. I’m outta here".
He just doesn't want to deal with the situation, he doesn't even want to think about it.
And I think it's just the "Guilty Divorced Dad" thing, never want to disappoint the kid he hardly sees and would rather disappoint you and BS because it's like you two will always be there.
Sometimes, it's best to be clear and demand, "I want a weekend with just you, me and BS. Next weekend. Make it happen."
Seriously, if this keeps up
Seriously, if this keeps up he will have a reason to be guilty when he is all alone yet still living years later on the leash of BM. Not to mention another divorce and quite frankly, a young son that he has hurt more than SS8.
Not to mention that he will be homeless and riding a bike to work.
Last summer, when SS
Last summer, when SS graduated from HS and my BS graduated from Middle School, I had suggested to DH that we take the boys to the shore as a "gift" instead of throwing a Graduation BBQ. DH immediately threw in that he wanted to take SD. I immediately said "NO." He became very upset and insinuated that I don't ever want to do anything with his child. I calmly explained to him that this trip was about the BOYS. And that we were a nice even number of 4. And that if he added SD into the mix, she was going to want to be up and down with the boys not letting them do their own thing. I explained that even getting on rides in the amusement park would now become a problem because someone was always going to have to stay behind when she wasn't tall enough to get on the rides. Then and only then, was he able to understand my point. The reality was I didn't want to take her. She is a daddy hog and requires too much attention, she also is one of those kids that wants EVERYTHING that she sees and DH has no back bone to say NO to her. Needless to say, I got my way. But I was very clear and straightforward. There is no need to beat around the bush.