To have one of my own?
I'm not really sure how to present this. I'm on the fence as to whether or not my DH and I should have a kid of our own in the future. It's definitely not going to happen in the near future (at least 2 years) but I can't help but contemplate whether or not I should have one at all. I've discussed this with my DH a couple times and he has said that it's really up to me. He said that it would be better financially for us to not have one so that we can go through with our plans to retire early and move to a foreign country at some point in our lives, but if I wanted one, he would try. But I'm having a real struggle. I go back and forth all the time and I can't get it off my mind. I do love my SD4 a lot, but she drives me freaking bonkers all the time! I hate having to share custody with her biomom because every time she comes home it's like starting all over. She's super clingy (because her biomom doesn't ever actually give her attention, plus she's pregnant with twins and she's supposed to have them any day), demanding (i know she knows how to use her manners and say please and thank you and such), rude (she imitates her biomom), thinks she's entitled to what she wants when she wants (cuz her biomom indulges her just to shut her up), and sometimes just plain annoying. Like I said I do love her. A lot. Sometimes I just wish that her biomom would give up her rights since she can't even care for the one daughter she has now with two more on the way. The feelings I get when I'm spending the majority of my time with her, makes me not want another kid sometimes, but she always talks about when I have a baby (and I wanted one for a long time, since I was old enough to have sex, then started getting wary once I got married and started caring for SD4 more than anyone else she comes in contact with) which makes me think of what it would be like if I did. It would be a fresh start for me and DH, a kid of our own, one we don't have to fight over or send off to a monster's house every weekend, one who I can see grow and learn and blossom from day one (I met SD4 when she had just turned 3, she's now almost 5). I don't really want to have to start all over again with another child and chance the early retirment and also make the committment of more than 18 years of my life. Also, the world is overpopulated, and expenses are only rising, and also i don't really see the ethical side of having another child. But at the same time, I want to experience the pregnancy, the birth, the firsts, the laughs, the smiles, the feeling that I am truly a mother, not just for someone else's child, but for my own. I want to give my mom the chance to be a grandma from day one (i'm her only daughter and doubt my brothers will let her experience the birth like I would) and to feel like my DH and I did something wonderful together and created a being that could potentially change the world. I want to be the one to mold my child into a good person with manners (since we need more of those in this world, and I can't do that entirely since we share so much custody of SD4). I just can't overcome all the negatives of having a child to make myself want one, and I also can't accept all the positives (and the idea that they cancel out the negatives) to overcome not wanting one. It's so hard because it's such a huge committment, but at the same time it could be so rewarding (and unfortunately, hopefully more rewarding than just gaining a daughter (that I have no choice but to share with another woman) through marriage). Any thoughts on this idea?
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When you guys sit down at the
When you guys sit down at the dinner table, do you look around trying to figure out why you feel something is missing?
Well I don't know how old you
Well I don't know how old you are, but I didn't want children until I was 33. Now at 35 I am having my first. I couldn't be happier and more excited.
My child and my relationship with my child will be nothing like what I have or would have had with skids. Its just different.
My skids are older though, I still imagine that even if they were young it would be different. Maybe you aren't ready now and that's why you can't decide. This doesn't mean you won't change your mind later and decide you KNOW you want one. Just sounds like right now is not the time.
I'm 22 but I don't want to
I'm 22 but I don't want to have a child after 30 because my DH and I want to retire early (around 40-45) and move to another country and having another child after 30 would mean another 18+ year committment and expense. I know that if I have one of my own it will be different and probably much stronger of a bond than I have with my SD, which is my problem. I can feel the LACK of a bond with her and that's what scares me about having one of my own. Will I lose my temper as quickly with a BC as I do with SD? Will I get as annoyed with the "hey look at me"'s? it's these things that keep me on the fence, because I don't want to be the same kind of mom for my BC as I am for my SD. I try so hard each and every day to not be mean to her and to treat her as if she were my own, but inexplicably, I just can't play that role to a T like I'd want to. And I don't want her to feel like she's been treated differently than any other kids I may have later in life. I want her to feel like I've always played fair and given the same rules and expectations and praises and love to all of my kids... I'm really afraid that I won't be able to do that.
Its just different when they
Its just different when they are yours.
Just remember that the
Just remember that the stepchildren will be "idolized" by your child and will want to be like them. Are your stepchildren worthy??? Mine aren't and I hugely regret having my children WITH MY HUSBAND. I should have left him and found someone better ie, more supportive, stronger values, priorities in order....etc....
Good luck to you.
i'm confused... i don't
i'm confused... i don't really understand why you feel like you should have left him to have kids with someone else, just to have kids? or to find a better relationship? or to get the skids out of the equation?
either way, my SD is a pretty good kid and I would like to see a relationship blossom between her and any child my DH and I have in the future, also because we have majority custody and she displays more of our values than her mom's but the first day or two back home she has a different attitude. But i do love her and would want her to be a part of everything. It's just that i can't decide whether to take on the risk and have one, or to just accept that SD will be the closest thing to a bio child I will get. It's just lately that she's been driving me nuts because she's so in your face about everything. I think part of that is cause she's an only child for now and doesn't have a lot of other children to interact with so she seeks it from her busy parents. I think also it has some to do with her age and being excited about so many different things small or large. I'm not blaming her for not wanting a child of my own, in fact she's part of the reason I want one (even though sometimes she does drive me nuts). It's my own brain that can't let me see the logic in it and let me overcome the negatives. It's just so complicated to explain my thoughts and feelings about it well....
Have you finished every goal
Have you finished every goal you have set for yourself? College? Career? Owning your own home? Opening a retirement account and having a substantial amount squared away? Opened a college savings account for your stepchild and another for any future children? Have you started saving for private school for your future children if that is something that you desire? Have you payed off or down your debts? If you want to be a stay at home mom, has your husband reached a point in his career where that would be possible? Do you have the extra income to have children - doctors visits, preschool, clothing, food, vacations, toys, room decorations, summer camp, day care, a safer or bigger car, etc. etc. These considerations are what determine whether or not one is ready to have children.
Those were examples of life
Those were examples of life goals. Im assuming that a 22 year old who is planning to retire in her 40s and move to an island is fairly well off. Thats why i picked the examples I chose; she was asking about family planning. Also, that was just mean. Im more than aware that without those things you can have a loving family and raise great kids. I'm doing it. Sorry youre having a bad day.
If people waited for the
If people waited for the perfect time & the perfect situation to have kids, no one would have kids.
I agree that people should be self-sufficient before having children, but really...a savings fund for private school, money for vacations, toys, room deocrations, summer camp, college savings accounts, owning a home...? I'm not saying it's wrong to have these things before you have a child, but they certainly are things you can raise a very happy healthy child without.
I don't think it's necessary to ensure a child a life of luxury.
I think it's much more important to consider how having another child would affect the current situation. What would their life be like with step-siblings? What would it mean for your marriage?
we're on our way to the goals
we're on our way to the goals we have set, but I'm on the same page as the other woman who posted that if we waited to have them at the perfect time and everything is set in place, then I wouldn't be having kids until I am retired... My DH says the same that he wants to have EVERYTHING in place prior to having one IF we ever have one, but I've tried explaining what I just mentioned and he doesn't get it. I wouldn't put myself in the situation where I am not at least somewhat prepared for one, but I also just don't know if I want another child. Especially because I'm starting to resent my SD sometimes with the behavior she brings home from her BM's house and also starting to get frustrated with my DH for defending her bad behavior and writing it off as "just being a kid" or "she just got back". Either way, I don't get on her case unless I know that she knows better or at least is blatantly ignoring an (for lack of a better word) order. I don't know if I would have more patience and heart for a child of my own. Because I would hate to have one and then feel the same resentment I sometimes feel for my SD toward a BC.