I feel like throwing up. I just looked at the remainder of July's visitation schedule with the skids:

July 19 = SD
July 20 = SD
July 21 = SD
July 22 = SS
July 23 = SS
July 24 = SS
July 25 = Both
July 26 = Both
July 27 = Both

F*CK!

I imagine that by July 28, we'll be filling out the divorce papers.

I am still severely wounded by the last visit with SS and how DH just *disappears* as my husband when his kids are here. Every time he can't even carry on an adult conversation with me, or spend 5 minutes with me, or sit next to me, or even acknowledge that I am in the room -- feels like a proverbial kick in the nuts.

SS's last visit was absolutely ridiculous. See my past blogs for details. I'm sure DH's sh*t ass behavior is going to be magnified by 12,000 now that SS has some sort of heart thing going on and DH is so preoccupied by it that he can't think of, talk about, or even DO anything else -- thus leaving me holding the bag on EVERYTHING ELSE in our lives.

I'm not discounting how "traumatic" this news can be -- but dammit, that is not the only f*cking thing going on in our lives -- the clock isn't standing still. Buck the f*ck up and step up to the plate. Life still has to go on, the world is still turning, and sh*t still needs to get taken care of.

The kid is NOT going to die, nor is he going to be permanently disabled. He may not even need surgery. F*ck.

So essentially, I feel like I am not even married. I've got this other "adult by age only" in my house that I can't even rely upon to talk to about job interviews/offers; educational opportunities; ANYTHING GOING ON IN MY LIFE; how the bills are going to get paid; help with my car when it breaks down... NOTHING.

He is completely and totally absent.

So soon I am facing 9 days in a row of:

1. Watching him jump through every hoop freaking imaginable and tripping over his own feet to cater to these kids every whim; 2. 24/7 entertainment -- even spending money we don't have -- you know, so they don't have to go without -- the poor babies;
3. Watching him treat them like they are infants (even going so far as to cradle them in his arms while sitting on the sofa)
4. Whiney/cry baby SS;
5. Being ignored by my own husband because he simply cannot appease his children and be a husband at the same time;
6. DH's inability and unwillingness to expect his children to respect my personal space;
7. DH allowing his children into MY intimate space (my bed);
8. SS up DH's ass 24/7 and DH allowing it. 5 minutes of alone time for the kid? Not likely. After 1 minute the kid starts bitching about "being bored" and repeats it over and over and over and over and over and over and over again -- until DH just walks away from ME -- even if I am in mid-sentence - to go play with the kid.
9. Listening to SD, "BM does this, BM does that, BM this, BM that, BM, BM, BM...." all the while knowing the truth -- that BM is a lying, lazy ass, welfare sucking whore...

Uggg. I could go on and on, but what is the point? It's all the same old shit.

And please, I can't even bring myself to THINK about what the two of these kids are like together. Holy mother of God, please deliver us from Satan...

Just shoot me now. It would be a whole lot less painful.