I don't know if I can do this anymore
I love my husband but I just don't know if I can do this for the rest of my life. It feels like a never ending roller coaster and I just want to get off. Some days are good and some days are bad and some days are just so awful I want to cry all day long. I am mad, so mad. I hate BM and I know she is only in my life because of SS (yes I am aware SS is not the problem, DH slept w her and SS just came out of it through no fault of his own). This is so NOT the way I envisioned my life and I just don't know. DH and I got married so young and so fast and part of me doesn't want to give up because I just love him so much sometimes we are sooo happy but another part of me is just afraid everyone will say, "I told you so." I don't know I am just so fed up and resentful and angry and hurt and I don't know if I can deal w this for the rest of my life. Will I ever get over all the shit BM does? Will I ever stop focusing on the past and on things I KNOW I cannot change? Will I ever get over the fact that I did not have DHs first child? Will I ever get over the fact that all the "firsts" for me will be a repeat for him? Will I ever stop worrying about money and stop thinking, if we do this, is we get that, if we go there, will we have enough for CS???? I want to move away, I want BM to move away, I want to start over, I want a clean slate, I want and I want and I want but I just wish I didn't feel this way. I wish I could see the future and see if things will work out or if I am just wasting my time here. I love DH, he really is the love of my life and I don't know if I could ever love anyone this way again, or be loved by anyone the way he loves me and maybe that is what is holding me back, maybe I am just a chicken shit and don't want to face the music, maybe I don't really want out...
Maybe I am about to get my perdiod and need to chill. What is wrong w me?
- young_step_mom's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
SS is only 5 which means I
SS is only 5 which means I have YEARS of this. He is a good kid most of the time but sometimes I just can't stand to be around him (like when we are w my in laws, bc they spoil him beyond belief and he gets veeeery whiny and needy).
DH is VERY good about boundaries (it took 3 yrs but he is finally getting it). He never gives an inch anymore and always asks my opinions, really backs me up. She just never stops being a bitch, though. Any chance she gets she tries to mess w us. I am just so sick of her.
I do want kids but sometimes I think about how things would be and it scares me. I am a worrier and I worry about how the kids will feel, how SS will feel, how we will all mesh together, how BM will shift the situation for further PAS. Sometimes I REALLY want a kid but I think it is bc I see DH w SS and I want that. I don't know, maybe if DH didn't have SS I wouldn't be so into having a kid right now. I also know that is not a good reason to have a kid, and we don't have the money for another kid so I don't see that anytime soon.
Mostly, I think it is me that has the problem. I just don't know if I am cut out for this.
Btw, I like your name
My SS is around EVERY weekend
My SS is around EVERY weekend too, and I think if I even had him every other weekend it would be easier. To have DH to myself every other weekend would be blisssss. Alas, the only downtime we have (we work 8 AM to 8 PM Monday thru Friday) is when SS is around and it is tough. He gets off work at 2 on Saturday, picks SS up at 2:15 and we have him until 9 PM Sunday. I too think that we would not survive if we had SS all the time, but I don't think that will ever happen because BM is too greedy to give up SS. As much of an inconvenience as he is to her, he is also her bi-monthly pay check and that makes him GOLD. I am very fearful about having kids but I don't think that is happening any time soon. Maybe we won't even have kids... who knows?
I hate being a step mom too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too have these thoughts.
I too have these thoughts. Quite often when I need to start my period.
I get really pissed off about CS. I think that is the main thing that gets to me, really. I just try to tell myself... Time flies. Every year goes by faster. I have 3 years down dealing with DH working his rear off and giving $700 a month to BM, 7 years to go until one of DH's kids is 18 and 9 years for the other. So in 9 years we will be $700 a month richer. And I am going to have a big ass party to celebrate that fact that I put up with the CS bullshit. A $700 party. Maybe I'll even invite BM. }:)
Kids grow up and move on. And time goes by so fast. I just try to think about it that way. His kids will be grown and we can enjoy our DS and the next child we have together. And not be living paycheck to paycheck. And we can move out of state like we want to. It will be glorious.
I think the reason that CS
I think the reason that CS gets me soooo mad is because DH VOLUNTEERED to pay the amount he pays. When SS was born DH was still in school and FIL helped him out and so the CO is based of that amount. DH went to court recently but did not change the amount, despite my begging him to ask the judge to base CS on how much he makes now. Every time we pay her I get so frustrated, because it is waaaaaaay more money than SS needs and we are tight on cash right now, so I know we could put that money to better use (like not paying her cable bill). I have 13 years left, and I am pretty sure I will probably have more because DH will want to help SS w college. BM is a POS and she didn't even graduate HS, she could really care less about SS's education and I am sure will not volunteer one penny to his college. We live in Mexico and it is really not customary for people to go to college and work like back in the states, so I don't think that is really an option. DH would probably want him to work at our store (like he did w his father when he was at school), but that is really not going to help pay for school. And I am so stressed that we don't have money for a child of our own, which I am not sure I want right now but knowing I CAN'T just sucks.
I desperately want to move out of state, our store is really not doing well now and DH and I have discussed giving it one more year, if things don't work out by the end of that year we will move back to the states. I dunno if this will happen, I find it very hard to think that he will leave SS but it is really keeping me happy these days!
I really don't know. When we
I really don't know. When we were married we decided I would move because he couldn't leave his son and BM is not the type of woman who would help foster a father son relationship if DH moved away and with it being a different country not just a different state, it might get messy with visitation and everything (esp since SS would need a visa to visit us in the states and that would be another fight w BM).
Things are really looking bad for us financially. DH and I have a store but we have been at it for over a year now and barely make enough to cover rent. He recently started working somewhere else, and I am teaching but it just isn't cutting it. He is a veterinarian and I graduated with a history degree from UCLA. I had planned on going to law school but nixed that idea when I decided to move to Mexico (really not helpful to have a law degree from a different country). I think DH is really seeing that we have would have a much better life there, and he recently told me that he doesn't think it is fair that a mistake he made hold him back for the rest of his life (I don't really think I am translating that well because it sounds shitty). He says he is starting to realize we wont be able to grow and succeed here, and we need to go where we have the best shot of being successful and happy and wherever we can provide a better life for SS, even if this means he doesn't see him every weekend anymore.
A friend of his also has a kid and had to move away for his job and I think it made DH realize that he can't stay here just for SS, especially if it affects us this badly.
But who knows what will happen in a year.
Thank you sooo much for your
Thank you sooo much for your reply I just started crying reading your post because you are right. DH and I do have a lot in common, we love each other but more than that DH is my best friend and I do want to be with him. We do have the same goals and aspirations and we do work together to be better, to grow and to have the relationship we want. Besides SS and BM, DH and I don't really have any problems and maybe this is just the "problem" our marriage has, and with someone else we may not have a step kid/BM problem, but there would be others. I think I just get so sad sometimes because this is not the life I envisioned and it is so much harder than I thought it would be. SO SO SO much harder.